It's not that I am a stupid woman, far from it actually. I think it was just something that was out of my control, something that I couldn't put the brakes on to stop. A rollercoaster ride, that's for certain, and a thriller of one at that.  That was my Roger. He walked through life without the slightest idea that he could affect people and just looked out for himself.  Whatever there was that he wanted to do, he did. No conscious of hurting me or anyone else, just did whatever he felt like whenever he felt like. Missed almost everyone of my birthdays and holidays in the process. I swear, to this day I hate the fourth of July just for the mere fact that I was always alone, watching the twilight zone marathon or the honeymooners. Dreaming of him and what he was doing. 

 

After we returned home from France, he did a complete turn about and left again. I had pneumonnia and  I was hos-[pitalized for 10 days, he never once came  to see me. He was gone.  It seems he was always gone, more I guess than he was there.

He was more insecure and self-doubting than I ever was. Took me a long time to figure that one out.

About a year after that, he started a relationship, friends, with a younger gentleman than ran a deli up the block from our house. It was immediate and , I feel, deliberate, on the part of this "friend" that a total transference occurred. Suddenly, everything he needed and loved about me, was now on this guy.

How, and I don't mind saying this, I hate this guy.  But, Roger allowed it, and Roger , like I said before, does for Roger. Always. End of story.

If they aren't the phone 30 times day, they are together. Everything Roger and I did together was now done with this guy. Everything. Food shopping, vacations, atlantic city, mohegan sun, vegas. Clothes shopping, bar hopping, etc. Everything needed a stamp of approval from this guy, nothing was left in the privacy of our home or our bedroom anymore. Everything had to go through him. If Roger and I were on our way to a restaurant on a Saturday Night and the phone would ring, I would beg him not to answer. He did, plans cancelled , he went out with him. No apologies, no "tomorrow, I'll make it up to you," nothing.  And so it went.

At first I tried to be friendly,when he took over our plans for new year's eve so that they could play poker, I was gracious, making food and coffee, and acting like a waitress. But it quickly became clear that I was the third wheel and this guy wanted me out of Roger's life, for good.

When the other players left at 1 or 1:30a.m., he would stay with Roger till almost 6 am.

And, that is when Roger's wiring, his entire thought process,  changed for good.

He was no longer the man I fell in love with  or who fell in love with me. He was a man, who like a child, went after the shiny, new thing, tired of the old. And that new thing was Dan.