It's been bout a week, perhaps longer, since I have written my last entry.  I suppose the harsh memories of what I am writing about has something to do with it. To force myself to remember and relive the truth of the lastthree years and the the most painful events of the last three or four months hasn't been easy or anything I would recommend doing over along period of time. I started this journal so I could to wash the memories away for good. I thought it would be cathartic and helpful tome to move on from a hopeless and dire situation. It is painful, more painful than I had thought it would be.

I have good days where I spend I consciously make an effort to seperate my feelings from the facts and pretend to be alright with the circumstances of my life. That alone is quite a tiresome activity. And then there are days that I find myself completely enfolded in a blanket of sadness. The tears fall effortlessly and my heart aches. But, yet I prevail.

I remind myself that he is gone; that he made his choice to stop loving me. I remind myself that he no longer needs me, or wants me around, That he has this shiny new thing to confide in and befriend, and share his life with.  

I have to stay strong and move on. But I clearly and so obviously find that letting him go completely has turned my hair a little more grey and my life alot less complete. I force myself to eat and sleep and focus on the positive blessings I have. My family, my summer, my knowledge. I try not to be crippled with the absolution of this loss. I feel like I lost a war. And to the victors go the spoils. How I hate that. How I hate how this gift is gone. That the laughter is silenced, that those beautiful blue eyes will never smile at me again. That tthose big strong arms will never embrace me again.

There were times that we made love and I cried for knowing it would be the last time, he was always going off to someone else, and I would wait in a mess of loneliness and alcohol for him to come back, but it's different this time. He's not coming back, ever. He is gone into the sunsets of the season, taking with him a very large part of me and my heart. He is laughing and loving and living in someon else right now. My beautiful, beautiful Roger. This most amazing man I have ever known, never to be replaced or replicated. He truly was one of a kind.

I guess I should be grateful for knowing him at all, but I am not. I am sad that he hurt me so effortlessly and so much, and I coped by turning to the bottle and then justifing him by being a drunk. My coping skills stink. I couldn't see past the pain, though I am sober now and trying to deal with my heartache with a little more clarity and maturity. I still miss him, I still pray for him, I still hold a secret place deep inside that wishes he returns. Yet, that is where my intellect ends and the fairy tale begins. I don't think God wants him to return to me, I don't think I could make it through this again. I feel as if I have used up all my courage and conviction that I ever had and I would fall victim to my old ways and that would be it for me. I truly didn't deserve the hurt this man put me through. I gave my heart so purely and honestly and completely that I have run out resources to fight anymore.

I admit defeat and will promise from this day forward to let go of the this man for once and for all. He  will never change his ways, he will hurt the next one as well. He has done this before, to others, he will do it agin to more. He can 't help himself. Besides, he's too old to change now. He is wrapped up so well in himself and his psychosis that he doesn't even know or understand the power his actions have on others, on me.  He will always be taken care, he will always find someone to satisfy his itch and he will always be hurtful.

Enough for now, I  need a break from my owon thoughts. I'll be back.