I have a strange feeling that I will be leaving very soon, perhaps even today and now I really don't want to go anymore. I want to stay around and get a job. I want to just not go there anymore at all. Is bit because of him, yes and no. Just the feeling of being behind closed doors for so long is really starting to get to me. After all, I am doing ok right now, although I still could use the extra help. I'm just not sure if it is that much help I need. I have to keep reminding myself that he is not forever, I am. He is not number one, I am. He will never love me the way I want him to. Ever. I have to take care of myself, he won't. So what do I do and where do I go from here?

There are way too many chefs in my kitchen again, the reason I left before. I want my damn money and I want it now. I want to run away again to Tortola or somewhere quiet and reflective. i want to take him with me of course, but that will never happen either. All I know is I do not want to go there. Help!!!!!!

It is a new day and yet another new beginning. My prayers in church on Sunday seemed to work. I met with Roger yesterday and all went well. We laughed like old friends and at least I can say with confidence that I came away with a better perspective on things. In a very small way I don't want to commit myself to my obligations anymore and I am a little nervous about not taking care of myself or even wanting to on the level that I should. That I need. It was, after all, only for a brief time.

I am still here.

Some days are more like walking daydreams than reality. There was some bad news yesterday with regard to Roger and one of his kids and the pain in his voice is something that I have not been able to erase in my mind. I don't think I even fell asleep till 4:30 this morning. I would so much like to be there for him but I know that that is impossible. I want to to hold him and tell him it will be alright. His love for his children is stronger than any I have ever witnessed. His heart is breaking and I know that he wishes he could take her place. I only wish I could be there for him in some way, I am sure that she will be. I feel helpless, I can only imagine what he is going through. I would take her place to if I could. If only for him to feel better.

Today was a very interesting day indeed. I accomplished much from eight am on and learned a few new things that may or may not be good for me and my prolonged battle in the Federal Court.

First, seems the people that I am fighting against fired their attorneys. Very interesting indeed. This little bit of information means one of several different things. But, as I am on a gag order, I cannot disclose any of them. Cross your fingers and say a prayer. For me of course.

Second, I have to tell you that I had a continuation of that strange dream last night. I was with him again, only we were at her house, it was all so surreal. He took a shower there and I went into the bathroom to confront him and then she came into the bathroom after me and handed him a towel!!!! After that all I remember is that I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. I might even have woke myself up to avoid anymore distress in my waking life.

Third, I spoke with him today. The power of prayer and the confidence of not giving a damn anymore. I am waiting to hear from him again and hope to see him for a short time this evening.
But, everything being Roger in this blog and this world, he, of course, has the last say in this matter. Will I see him or won't I? It is up to him again. Although I can always say no I know that I want to. I know that I need to before I go away. I need to sit with him, listen to the sound of his voice, see his eyes, hold his hand. I need to just be with him, you know? Even if it is just for a cup of coffee at the diner. I miss him terribly. And we all know that he is not forever, and he never was, although I had always thought he would be. I always hoped he would be.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I am going to go relax for awhile and wait on his call.

Caio for now.

I had a very strange dream laast night and it left me tired and distressed. He was there, of course, only, she was there with us. We sat next to each other but did not speak. He handed me a glass of wine and a parakeet died. Pretty weird, huh? First dream of him I have had in areally long time.

A message to my beautiful lover:

I miss you and prayed for you in church today. I have been taken all the right steps since seeing you last and will be going away for awhile. Would you call me before I leave? My heart is getting very tired of carrying the pain of losing you all the time. I would love to see the light at the end of this tunnel, be it with or without you. I need to walk through this pain once and for all and be happy again. I want to to feel the sun on my face and appreciate it again, without having to reflect on the past when we would bask in the daylight together. My life is far from over, yet it is without the wholeness of which everyone else has. I want myself back. I have been incomplete for a very long time now and I want to be whole again. Please help me. You are the only one that can. Forgive me for my anger, my anger was just my pain reaching out. I am sorry for everything I ever did to cause you any harm. I would love to hear your voice and see your beautiful blue eyes once more before I go. God forgive me, but I cannot seem to stop loving you.

As with everything else in life, delays happen. I am still here, but expect to be leaving soon. I have been having a very enlightening week and interesting forces are coming into play. I am packed and ready to go but with the passing days am starting to feel a bit hesitant about the decision I have committed myself to. This I have been told is normal, still I do no like the feeling.

The house that I shared with Roger might be sold soon and I have belongings there that I want returned to me before he has to leave. They are mine and not his and I want them back. All of them. Please let him know. My mother is still here and would welcome his delivery of these things of mine. I have just a short time left, so please if you yourself are reading this, I want you to know exactly what and where everything I am mentioning is located. I am still very angry with you for giving my other things away. I do not wish to lose anything more. I have lost enough just knowing you and having you in my life. Some of these things were given to me by my father when I was a little girl. So please be a man and do the right thing. Thank you.

Dear Friends, I am leaving again and will be gone for some time. I will not be online during my absence but rest assured I will be fine and in good health and hands. I will miss you all and look forward to the day when I will be able to write to you all again.

Until then, stay well, be good and try not to screw your life up anymore.

Ciao