I had a very strange dream laast night and it left me tired and distressed. He was there, of course, only, she was there with us. We sat next to each other but did not speak. He handed me a glass of wine and a parakeet died. Pretty weird, huh? First dream of him I have had in areally long time.

A message to my beautiful lover:

I miss you and prayed for you in church today. I have been taken all the right steps since seeing you last and will be going away for awhile. Would you call me before I leave? My heart is getting very tired of carrying the pain of losing you all the time. I would love to see the light at the end of this tunnel, be it with or without you. I need to walk through this pain once and for all and be happy again. I want to to feel the sun on my face and appreciate it again, without having to reflect on the past when we would bask in the daylight together. My life is far from over, yet it is without the wholeness of which everyone else has. I want myself back. I have been incomplete for a very long time now and I want to be whole again. Please help me. You are the only one that can. Forgive me for my anger, my anger was just my pain reaching out. I am sorry for everything I ever did to cause you any harm. I would love to hear your voice and see your beautiful blue eyes once more before I go. God forgive me, but I cannot seem to stop loving you.