I have a strange feeling that I will be leaving very soon, perhaps even today and now I really don't want to go anymore. I want to stay around and get a job. I want to just not go there anymore at all. Is bit because of him, yes and no. Just the feeling of being behind closed doors for so long is really starting to get to me. After all, I am doing ok right now, although I still could use the extra help. I'm just not sure if it is that much help I need. I have to keep reminding myself that he is not forever, I am. He is not number one, I am. He will never love me the way I want him to. Ever. I have to take care of myself, he won't. So what do I do and where do I go from here?

There are way too many chefs in my kitchen again, the reason I left before. I want my damn money and I want it now. I want to run away again to Tortola or somewhere quiet and reflective. i want to take him with me of course, but that will never happen either. All I know is I do not want to go there. Help!!!!!!