Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Okay, I'm human, and I'm starting to freak out. Truth is I could have gone in last Monday but I didn' t because I wanted to see him, now I'm drinking again because I did. How more real does it get? Really wish I was her right now, black, pretty and on the receiving end of him. Why does God do this to me, I wonder. What great sin have I have committed to warrant this punishment?
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Happy Easter Friends and Foes.
Well, another night of sleep did me well again. No dreams and no nightmares to disturb me, I am ready for Easter Mass. I have only the promise of today to contend with, nothing more and nothing less.
Two text messages, two voicemails and one email later I still have not received a response from Roger. He must really like this woman with the long black hair.Although, in my defense and honor, for all the times I had to endure the other women in his life while I was sitting or lying right next to him, it was extremely disrespectful of him to completely ignore me like that yesterday. Really junior high school bs.He could have at least walked away for a moment or two and just given me the courtesy of calling me back and acknowledging my existence. Not to mention, owning up to his responsibilities like a real man would. It hurt, just a little, just for a minute and then, thankfully, it was gone. I have more important things to worry about and am not at all concerned or care that much about his nymphophelic trysts.
Well, have to make that call again at nine, before church. Get somewhat nervous in anticipation of the outcome. Know what I don't want to hear. Pray everyone, that I do the right thing.
Easter will be spent here this year. Very unusual, that's for sure. Wonder what to expect, at least I'll have my couch and my remote. I actually find some comfort in that.
Well, have to get ready for mass. I need to have another cup of coffee and really start my day.
Happy Easter Egg Hunting Everyone.
Caio.
Well, another night of sleep did me well again. No dreams and no nightmares to disturb me, I am ready for Easter Mass. I have only the promise of today to contend with, nothing more and nothing less.
Two text messages, two voicemails and one email later I still have not received a response from Roger. He must really like this woman with the long black hair.Although, in my defense and honor, for all the times I had to endure the other women in his life while I was sitting or lying right next to him, it was extremely disrespectful of him to completely ignore me like that yesterday. Really junior high school bs.He could have at least walked away for a moment or two and just given me the courtesy of calling me back and acknowledging my existence. Not to mention, owning up to his responsibilities like a real man would. It hurt, just a little, just for a minute and then, thankfully, it was gone. I have more important things to worry about and am not at all concerned or care that much about his nymphophelic trysts.
Well, have to make that call again at nine, before church. Get somewhat nervous in anticipation of the outcome. Know what I don't want to hear. Pray everyone, that I do the right thing.
Easter will be spent here this year. Very unusual, that's for sure. Wonder what to expect, at least I'll have my couch and my remote. I actually find some comfort in that.
Well, have to get ready for mass. I need to have another cup of coffee and really start my day.
Happy Easter Egg Hunting Everyone.
Caio.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Today is Saturday, April 11. All of the horoscopes I read said that yesterday was going to be one of the most romantic days of the year for me. Yeah, right. I never even left the house. Today will be different. I need to go out and do something. I am still waiting on when I will be leaving and find that with each passing day, I want it less and less.
I am not without forgiveness in my heart. After all, just read my entire blog from the beginning. Some of you think I am completely nuts for going back time and again. If that doesn't say forgiveness, what does? And, of course, while we're on the subject...
He didn't come online till almost three pm yesterday and stayed long enough to read a short note I sent him, with no reply. Did he say hello, no. Did he respond, no. Isn't that just the way? But I truly did not expect him too, at all. No, all things being him in this world and this blog, he had probably already made plans for the weekend and did not want to have to say no to me if I asked him out. I wouldn't have done that anyway. I didn't feel all that well yesterday and I know, in my heart, he is not alone over there. He can never be alone. I am sure he has someone new in his life and he likes her. That's just how life always worked with him. I have had to accept that fact for a very long time. And I have. Besides, we only saw each other for one night. It was passionate and wonderful, but it was Roger, not the proverbial white knight. To him I was probably just a booty call, nothing more. His heart will never be mine again, I know that as well. Funny how I haven't picked up a drink at all to help me deal with me it this time, truth is, it really doesn't hurt that much right now. There were no tears in my eyes when he drove home the next day, nothing. Maybe my prayers to God to help me walk through the pain once and for all were actually heard and heeded to this time around. For whatever it's worth, it was good to be with him again, having dinner, watching a movie and making love, of course, and I am grateful I do not hurt, I have too much other stuff on my plate right now anyway.
One final note on the subject, he is supposed to call me by 12:30 today and I hope he does, he has something I need and I want it. No BS, no excuses and certainly, no silent treatment. Let's see if he will come through. Also, I am almost certain that I will be gone next week and I need to have it before then. Like today.
Other than that, nothing new over here to write about. I am growing somewhat bored with the daily routine and the waiting. I am concerned only for myself and am a little angry over certain situations that involve some people in my life that I am choosing to not contact right now. I need some space.
So, although it is rainy and gray outside, I feel good and at peace and am happy to have not drank over anything in sometime. My life is far from perfect, but it is still life and I am not looking forward to the alternative just yet. The only thing I would truly like is to win mega millions. (Betcha he'd come running back then, huh?) Just kidding. Really. I would be on a plane so fast I would be a blur to the world. No, probably buy a house first somewhere around here, with a big yard and plenty of trees and a separate garage, turned studio, as a workshop for myself. Then I would leave. France, Italy, Fiji, Greece. That would be my desire. And I would do it alone. I always liked to travel by myself, until him, but now I am more comfortable in my own skin than I have been in some time. I could do almost anything again, and I could do it alone. I really do not need to hold onto anyone anymore, just myself. I really hope this feeling lasts and grows.
Okay, well I guess that's enough for now. I am sure I am boring most of you with this, but it feels good to get it out and share it, after all if I really do go where I had planned, no computers. Really rethinking this entire operation. Pray for me, I will need it. Thanks.
I am not without forgiveness in my heart. After all, just read my entire blog from the beginning. Some of you think I am completely nuts for going back time and again. If that doesn't say forgiveness, what does? And, of course, while we're on the subject...
He didn't come online till almost three pm yesterday and stayed long enough to read a short note I sent him, with no reply. Did he say hello, no. Did he respond, no. Isn't that just the way? But I truly did not expect him too, at all. No, all things being him in this world and this blog, he had probably already made plans for the weekend and did not want to have to say no to me if I asked him out. I wouldn't have done that anyway. I didn't feel all that well yesterday and I know, in my heart, he is not alone over there. He can never be alone. I am sure he has someone new in his life and he likes her. That's just how life always worked with him. I have had to accept that fact for a very long time. And I have. Besides, we only saw each other for one night. It was passionate and wonderful, but it was Roger, not the proverbial white knight. To him I was probably just a booty call, nothing more. His heart will never be mine again, I know that as well. Funny how I haven't picked up a drink at all to help me deal with me it this time, truth is, it really doesn't hurt that much right now. There were no tears in my eyes when he drove home the next day, nothing. Maybe my prayers to God to help me walk through the pain once and for all were actually heard and heeded to this time around. For whatever it's worth, it was good to be with him again, having dinner, watching a movie and making love, of course, and I am grateful I do not hurt, I have too much other stuff on my plate right now anyway.
One final note on the subject, he is supposed to call me by 12:30 today and I hope he does, he has something I need and I want it. No BS, no excuses and certainly, no silent treatment. Let's see if he will come through. Also, I am almost certain that I will be gone next week and I need to have it before then. Like today.
Other than that, nothing new over here to write about. I am growing somewhat bored with the daily routine and the waiting. I am concerned only for myself and am a little angry over certain situations that involve some people in my life that I am choosing to not contact right now. I need some space.
So, although it is rainy and gray outside, I feel good and at peace and am happy to have not drank over anything in sometime. My life is far from perfect, but it is still life and I am not looking forward to the alternative just yet. The only thing I would truly like is to win mega millions. (Betcha he'd come running back then, huh?) Just kidding. Really. I would be on a plane so fast I would be a blur to the world. No, probably buy a house first somewhere around here, with a big yard and plenty of trees and a separate garage, turned studio, as a workshop for myself. Then I would leave. France, Italy, Fiji, Greece. That would be my desire. And I would do it alone. I always liked to travel by myself, until him, but now I am more comfortable in my own skin than I have been in some time. I could do almost anything again, and I could do it alone. I really do not need to hold onto anyone anymore, just myself. I really hope this feeling lasts and grows.
Okay, well I guess that's enough for now. I am sure I am boring most of you with this, but it feels good to get it out and share it, after all if I really do go where I had planned, no computers. Really rethinking this entire operation. Pray for me, I will need it. Thanks.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
I have a strange feeling that I will be leaving very soon, perhaps even today and now I really don't want to go anymore. I want to stay around and get a job. I want to just not go there anymore at all. Is bit because of him, yes and no. Just the feeling of being behind closed doors for so long is really starting to get to me. After all, I am doing ok right now, although I still could use the extra help. I'm just not sure if it is that much help I need. I have to keep reminding myself that he is not forever, I am. He is not number one, I am. He will never love me the way I want him to. Ever. I have to take care of myself, he won't. So what do I do and where do I go from here?
There are way too many chefs in my kitchen again, the reason I left before. I want my damn money and I want it now. I want to run away again to Tortola or somewhere quiet and reflective. i want to take him with me of course, but that will never happen either. All I know is I do not want to go there. Help!!!!!!
There are way too many chefs in my kitchen again, the reason I left before. I want my damn money and I want it now. I want to run away again to Tortola or somewhere quiet and reflective. i want to take him with me of course, but that will never happen either. All I know is I do not want to go there. Help!!!!!!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
It is a new day and yet another new beginning. My prayers in church on Sunday seemed to work. I met with Roger yesterday and all went well. We laughed like old friends and at least I can say with confidence that I came away with a better perspective on things. In a very small way I don't want to commit myself to my obligations anymore and I am a little nervous about not taking care of myself or even wanting to on the level that I should. That I need. It was, after all, only for a brief time.
I am still here.
I am still here.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Some days are more like walking daydreams than reality. There was some bad news yesterday with regard to Roger and one of his kids and the pain in his voice is something that I have not been able to erase in my mind. I don't think I even fell asleep till 4:30 this morning. I would so much like to be there for him but I know that that is impossible. I want to to hold him and tell him it will be alright. His love for his children is stronger than any I have ever witnessed. His heart is breaking and I know that he wishes he could take her place. I only wish I could be there for him in some way, I am sure that she will be. I feel helpless, I can only imagine what he is going through. I would take her place to if I could. If only for him to feel better.
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