Today is Saturday, April 11. All of the horoscopes I read said that yesterday was going to be one of the most romantic days of the year for me. Yeah, right. I never even left the house. Today will be different. I need to go out and do something. I am still waiting on when I will be leaving and find that with each passing day, I want it less and less.

I am not without forgiveness in my heart. After all, just read my entire blog from the beginning. Some of you think I am completely nuts for going back time and again. If that doesn't say forgiveness, what does? And, of course, while we're on the subject...

He didn't come online till almost three pm yesterday and stayed long enough to read a short note I sent him, with no reply. Did he say hello, no. Did he respond, no. Isn't that just the way? But I truly did not expect him too, at all. No, all things being him in this world and this blog, he had probably already made plans for the weekend and did not want to have to say no to me if I asked him out. I wouldn't have done that anyway. I didn't feel all that well yesterday and I know, in my heart, he is not alone over there. He can never be alone. I am sure he has someone new in his life and he likes her. That's just how life always worked with him. I have had to accept that fact for a very long time. And I have. Besides, we only saw each other for one night. It was passionate and wonderful, but it was Roger, not the proverbial white knight. To him I was probably just a booty call, nothing more. His heart will never be mine again, I know that as well. Funny how I haven't picked up a drink at all to help me deal with me it this time, truth is, it really doesn't hurt that much right now. There were no tears in my eyes when he drove home the next day, nothing. Maybe my prayers to God to help me walk through the pain once and for all were actually heard and heeded to this time around. For whatever it's worth, it was good to be with him again, having dinner, watching a movie and making love, of course, and I am grateful I do not hurt, I have too much other stuff on my plate right now anyway.

One final note on the subject, he is supposed to call me by 12:30 today and I hope he does, he has something I need and I want it. No BS, no excuses and certainly, no silent treatment. Let's see if he will come through. Also, I am almost certain that I will be gone next week and I need to have it before then. Like today.

Other than that, nothing new over here to write about. I am growing somewhat bored with the daily routine and the waiting. I am concerned only for myself and am a little angry over certain situations that involve some people in my life that I am choosing to not contact right now. I need some space.

So, although it is rainy and gray outside, I feel good and at peace and am happy to have not drank over anything in sometime. My life is far from perfect, but it is still life and I am not looking forward to the alternative just yet. The only thing I would truly like is to win mega millions. (Betcha he'd come running back then, huh?) Just kidding. Really. I would be on a plane so fast I would be a blur to the world. No, probably buy a house first somewhere around here, with a big yard and plenty of trees and a separate garage, turned studio, as a workshop for myself. Then I would leave. France, Italy, Fiji, Greece. That would be my desire. And I would do it alone. I always liked to travel by myself, until him, but now I am more comfortable in my own skin than I have been in some time. I could do almost anything again, and I could do it alone. I really do not need to hold onto anyone anymore, just myself. I really hope this feeling lasts and grows.

Okay, well I guess that's enough for now. I am sure I am boring most of you with this, but it feels good to get it out and share it, after all if I really do go where I had planned, no computers. Really rethinking this entire operation. Pray for me, I will need it. Thanks.