I can't stand being alone. My mind just races like a freight train full of memories. I want to call him and ask him out, but it probably would only be more painful in the long run. Please, God, ask him to remember me today in a good light, don't block me from him entirely.

Once again, I have to reiterate how alone alone can be. It just sucks. Period. I hate it. Where is my happiness?

The sun is shining!!!!! This is really big news. It's only supposed to last for two days, but that's two days of warmth.

It's still raining in my heart though, dare I say? I'm starting to dream about him again. I'm waking up tired and anxious and feeling quite alone. I hope things get done quickly and I can move on with every aspect of my life soon. I would really like to be able to finally do that.


Whispers of yesterday,
grow loud in my head.
I am tired forever
and forever in bed.
I look to tomorrow
to take me back to the past
And I hate I still love him
and pray it will last.

Caio for now.

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That's it for now, although I absolutely hate I am going to sleep alone again now. But, that won't last forever. I am just sad today, and this to shall pass. But I miss everything, the touches, the feelings, the smells, everything. Can't blame me for being human, can you?

I guess what I miss the most is kissing him. I used to love to kiss him. Wherever we were, no matter what we were doing, I always just wanted to kiss him. I envy whoever it is that's kissing him now. I hated that he wouldn't care who he was with romantically, as long as they "delivered." And, apparently, they always did. I'm sure this new one does too.

I guess I miss dressing up and going out to dinner as well. I used to love dressing for him, always excited to see his reaction. I was sure he liked that we could both turn heads wherever we went, but I remember always being meticulous in getting ready in anticapation of that look in his eyes when he would first see me. I just loved to please him. I would do anything to please him.

Funny, and a bit strange I suppose, how some things just come back to you out of nowhere. I wish he could have read my mind at times. Maybe he would've known how I really felt. I don't like any part of not being around him, nothing about it is good. I just want to run away and die sometimes. I miss him so much and I had to put it into words.

Today is the first Sunday in May. The rain is soft and the air is damp. I awoke this morning and found myself reading my horoscopes with an enthusiasm I haven't had for awhile. I read more than I had wanted and they all started to blur into each other. I guess I'll have to go back later and read them again.

Well, I didn't win the mega millions lottery on Friday, probably because I forgot to buy any tickets. (That would've helped, right?) No, so I am still no more better off financially than I was on Thursday, or last week, for that matter. I am still struggling to stay alive and not be consumed with the sadness that has come to be my best companion.

There is a once favorite song of mine that says, "If the phone doesn't ring it's me, I'll be out in the eye of the storm...If the phone doesn't ring, it's me, I'll be out with someone who makes me feel warm" I used to think it was about him not calling me, now I think it's about me not calling him. Whatever, it makes me feel better to think about it like that for now. So I guess all you intelligent people out there can guess what I am not writing about but am still conveying to you.

In any case, I do feel like leaving again. Some place warm and tropical would be really nice right now. Yet, I still have to wait for another day. I hate being patient. It gets boring really fast.

So just for today I will take it slow and easy and try to be good. My head and my heart still pray for all the people and things I want to have in my life, but I feel better now than I can let most of my burdens go.

And, just for today, I will listen to the rain and say me prayers in silence.