All at once it feels strange to be here. I know I am safe and that it is ok to be alone for awhile, just that not too alone is what seems to be creeping up around me. I am beginning top0 feel alittle isolated at that moment, talking with "new" friends just doesn't seem to make the grade long enough. I would rather talk to my mom but she either won't answer the phone or just won't call. I miss Jeannie too, but I feel like I dissapointed the entire New York area by leaving that house. It prevents me from calling anyone. And yet I am so alone. Maybe Roger was right about me being so angry. Maybe with that I was meant to be by myself. and then I think about all those nights when we were together and she would call crying to say she missed him and I was just sitting there or lying next to him when he would answer and talk her down. I am angry for a reason and I can't hold it inside anymore. I only let it go when I am drunk. No one knows me at all.

The lawyers called this morning, still fighting over discovery, I told them that discovery doesn't last for two years, it has to end. I became very upset, mostly because of remembering him not being there at all for me when I was doing this on my own. The pain just doesn't subside. I wonder if it ever will.