Today was a very interesting day indeed. I accomplished much from eight am on and learned a few new things that may or may not be good for me and my prolonged battle in the Federal Court.

First, seems the people that I am fighting against fired their attorneys. Very interesting indeed. This little bit of information means one of several different things. But, as I am on a gag order, I cannot disclose any of them. Cross your fingers and say a prayer. For me of course.

Second, I have to tell you that I had a continuation of that strange dream last night. I was with him again, only we were at her house, it was all so surreal. He took a shower there and I went into the bathroom to confront him and then she came into the bathroom after me and handed him a towel!!!! After that all I remember is that I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. I might even have woke myself up to avoid anymore distress in my waking life.

Third, I spoke with him today. The power of prayer and the confidence of not giving a damn anymore. I am waiting to hear from him again and hope to see him for a short time this evening.
But, everything being Roger in this blog and this world, he, of course, has the last say in this matter. Will I see him or won't I? It is up to him again. Although I can always say no I know that I want to. I know that I need to before I go away. I need to sit with him, listen to the sound of his voice, see his eyes, hold his hand. I need to just be with him, you know? Even if it is just for a cup of coffee at the diner. I miss him terribly. And we all know that he is not forever, and he never was, although I had always thought he would be. I always hoped he would be.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I am going to go relax for awhile and wait on his call.

Caio for now.

I had a very strange dream laast night and it left me tired and distressed. He was there, of course, only, she was there with us. We sat next to each other but did not speak. He handed me a glass of wine and a parakeet died. Pretty weird, huh? First dream of him I have had in areally long time.

A message to my beautiful lover:

I miss you and prayed for you in church today. I have been taken all the right steps since seeing you last and will be going away for awhile. Would you call me before I leave? My heart is getting very tired of carrying the pain of losing you all the time. I would love to see the light at the end of this tunnel, be it with or without you. I need to walk through this pain once and for all and be happy again. I want to to feel the sun on my face and appreciate it again, without having to reflect on the past when we would bask in the daylight together. My life is far from over, yet it is without the wholeness of which everyone else has. I want myself back. I have been incomplete for a very long time now and I want to be whole again. Please help me. You are the only one that can. Forgive me for my anger, my anger was just my pain reaching out. I am sorry for everything I ever did to cause you any harm. I would love to hear your voice and see your beautiful blue eyes once more before I go. God forgive me, but I cannot seem to stop loving you.

As with everything else in life, delays happen. I am still here, but expect to be leaving soon. I have been having a very enlightening week and interesting forces are coming into play. I am packed and ready to go but with the passing days am starting to feel a bit hesitant about the decision I have committed myself to. This I have been told is normal, still I do no like the feeling.

The house that I shared with Roger might be sold soon and I have belongings there that I want returned to me before he has to leave. They are mine and not his and I want them back. All of them. Please let him know. My mother is still here and would welcome his delivery of these things of mine. I have just a short time left, so please if you yourself are reading this, I want you to know exactly what and where everything I am mentioning is located. I am still very angry with you for giving my other things away. I do not wish to lose anything more. I have lost enough just knowing you and having you in my life. Some of these things were given to me by my father when I was a little girl. So please be a man and do the right thing. Thank you.

Dear Friends, I am leaving again and will be gone for some time. I will not be online during my absence but rest assured I will be fine and in good health and hands. I will miss you all and look forward to the day when I will be able to write to you all again.

Until then, stay well, be good and try not to screw your life up anymore.

Ciao

All at once it feels strange to be here. I know I am safe and that it is ok to be alone for awhile, just that not too alone is what seems to be creeping up around me. I am beginning top0 feel alittle isolated at that moment, talking with "new" friends just doesn't seem to make the grade long enough. I would rather talk to my mom but she either won't answer the phone or just won't call. I miss Jeannie too, but I feel like I dissapointed the entire New York area by leaving that house. It prevents me from calling anyone. And yet I am so alone. Maybe Roger was right about me being so angry. Maybe with that I was meant to be by myself. and then I think about all those nights when we were together and she would call crying to say she missed him and I was just sitting there or lying next to him when he would answer and talk her down. I am angry for a reason and I can't hold it inside anymore. I only let it go when I am drunk. No one knows me at all.

The lawyers called this morning, still fighting over discovery, I told them that discovery doesn't last for two years, it has to end. I became very upset, mostly because of remembering him not being there at all for me when I was doing this on my own. The pain just doesn't subside. I wonder if it ever will.

I was safe for awhile, but I left. I went out into the unknown and was immediately thrust into darkness. I am safe for now but I am again all alone. No one to talk to, and feeling it every minute again. You ask why did I leave, because I am determined to do this on my own. no more people controlling my every move, my every thought. I am so tired of being programmed by people that think they actually know me. No one seems to get the fact that I am so sad because of him and him alone. they believe it is only about drinking. FACT: I DON'T DRINK WHEN I AM WITH HIM< ONLY WHEN HE LEAVES. HELLO CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME???????????????

I am scared and feel small. I have been sitting on the couch all day watching movies and feeling bad. I spoke with him yesterday and of course, everything being Roger, he lied to me. Used his daughters as an excuse yet again. He will never change. It actually didn't dawn on me until this morning, which pretty much set the mood for the rest of the day. I really don't know if I want to stay here but I am at a loss of where to go next. And all things being relevant, I am broke. I wish I had enough money to hop on a plane and fly away to somewhere warm and inviting. But I made a commitment here so here I must stay, at least for right now. I am alone in this world and the aloneness is starting to envelope me