Well, it's officially over, summer I mean. I watched all the litle children getting on the bus this morning and I had to sigh. This is the longest absence I have experienced as yet. The entire summer season now behind us, I am finally coming to grips with the fact that in no uncertain terms, he is gone for good. Lost forever to the delusions of dan and whoever is reaping the benefits of his love.

I realize I am accountable for my actions and I take responsibility for my shortcomings, but I stil feel like the victim in so many ways when it comes to him. I feel alone and like an orphan, trying to fit it in and belong to strangers and new friends now. The safety of his arms forever a memory and never to be felt again. The warmth of kiss lost forever to someone else.

I am keeping busy now, days flowing into weeks with hardly time to mark them on my calendar, but, always, the constant tapping in the recesses of my heart and mind reminding me that I once was where I should have been and now I am not. I am trying to find the positive in all my new surroundings, but I am no good left alone, for my thought s always seem to return to him, to us.

How I wish I could gather the courage to just call him, but the fear of being rejected yet again prevents me and in that fear is born the sadnes thta has covered me like a blanket this entire season. Being with him is like walking on eggshells, the fraility of my own self woth when I am around him is unacceptable to myself and all who share in my views. No one shouls love like this, this is not real love.

yesterday I was with a friend and he told me,

 I am what I am, You are what you are, IF I am what I am because you are who you are, I am not.

A quote from a 16th century rabbi. Pretty accurate when it comes to my relationship with him, don't you think?

And, yet, I still wonder where he went, in his mind and his heart. How could a 64 year old man be so easily manipulated by another man and go along so easily without the consciousness of his actions ever weighing on his mind? What happened to my Roger?

Will he ever know what he did to my heart? Will he ever have the courage to even ask? And why, dear Lord, do Istill think of him every day and pray that he is alright and safe and beautiful still?