Well, here we are in October already. The weather has changed dramatically and the promise of an Indian summer has all but passed. I finally worked up the courage to go through the boxes of stuff he dropped off at my mom's house, only to find that nothing was mine. So I have to now gather up the strength to see him and get back all my things.

I am not looking forward to this task at all.

In other news I am looking for an apartment and not having any real success at it. The prices are either too high or too far away from where I want to be. then again, I suppose I can go anywhere at all because there is nothing holding me here anymore. Fear is overcoming me and I must steer myself through that as well.

I am still sad, but I keep going. Trying new things and being bold again.

Well I guess that's all for now.

Caio.

Well, like almost everything in this world, it's time to say to good-bye to the Summer of 09. In a way I'm glad it's over. Nothing of any importance happened for me these last two months. There were no water parks, like I was promised, nor was there Coney Island. There were no late night picnics on the beach followed by the sweet exotic-ness of love-making on the sand. No Carvel on warm August nights and, most of all no laughter to fill my heart. There was just the constant reminder that I am no longer needed, wanted or loved by him.


And , although my heart stills cries a little each day for the longings of his face and his eyes and his touch, I still live and breathe and go on. I guess I will never have the closure or the understanding of why this all-consuming relationship has come to and end, I still get up each morning and face the day. Albeit, not with any joy or happy expectations, but only with the knowledge that he will never call, he will never e-mail, only that he just doesn't care. At all, anymore.

Happy September to everyone else.

I want to climb to the highest mountain I can find today and scream at the top of my lungs that this is not going to happen to me again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am through with the "have patience" thing and the "say a prayer that things will work out" thing. Hear that God, I'm done. I just want to go back with life right now, I want to go back being happy and laughing and dancing again, I don't like this "limbo" crap anymore. Can I get any more exact than that to you? Can you hear me NOW?

That said, Good morning my friends.....


Well, it's been a stellar week, I can say that. The universe, the eclipse, the stars, they have all played their roles very well and as predicted these last few days. As from Sunday on, I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions and turbulence and , by the way did I ever mention to you that I absolutely hate roller coaster rides?, I do, but, still I am strapped in and awaiting the next sharp curve and the always dooming climb and decent.

Today I plan on the beach. I haven't been at all this year, so this should be good. The sun is shining and the day looks promising, but my heart is still in foreign territory. Not yet eclipsing with my soul right now. Or maybe it's my soul that is awol and not my heart at all. I'm really not at liberty to say, all I know is I feel like I am limbo and I'm pretty sure I know why.

So, moving forward, the beach. Looking forward to it actually. Baby oil, fresh fruit, sand, and the always amusing people watching thing. I love to watch the world. Be an observer and you shall learn, alot. Do you realize how much you can learn from what people bring to the beach? You can write volumes on that alone. It's a fact. You leave home, your stuff, your life. You head out into a direction you know where you can't bring what you are most comfortable being surrounded by so you carefully choose what you desire most to be with you. Your best "I'm leaving home for a few hours but I still need to be connected" stuff. Some people bring everything and it's quite a struggle, and to me a waste of time, to see them just unloading their car and navigating through the parking lot. These days I'm sure that involves a laptop, an ipod and and a cellphone. I have a cellphone, these days who doesn't? But, let's not forget the concept of going to the beach. Relaxation. There are very few people on this earth that I can honestly say I would
feel at ease just going to the beach with. My family fights where ever they go, so I never go to the beach with them, and they live at the beach. My girlfriend Jean from Brooklyn is just too high maintenance for me to even relax on the sand with, let alone explore the possibilities of having some quality girlfriend time other than in my home, or more specifically, kitchen with. And Roger, well, let's just keep that part a mystery, suffice it to say I loved going to the beach with him. No, there is actually only one person I have gone to the beach with , been to the beach with and am going to the beach with today. He's quiet, he's polite, he's funny when he wants to be and he brings the radio. He never fights with me, he opens the door for me and he's safe. Thank you my friend. So I am looking forward to this day or better still not even having to plan the day, maybe just a few hours and that's it, that's the beauty of knowing each other so well. You don't have to put on a fake smile and laugh if you don't want to. Yesterday we went to lunch. I was having a bit of an emotional hangover and he knew it and he accepted it and he got me through it. Thanks again.

So to today my dear friends, let's laugh, let's tan, let's just be the best at being ourselves.

Ciao.

JULY 8TH - A very special day for someone very special, Happy Birthday to you my dearest friend.

The sun is shining and I have the option of not one, not two, but three different dates to go on. I kinda like that. I'm choosing option #2 and going to take a nice long drive somewhere on the North Shore. I'm thinking Sag Harbour. Have a nice lunch at the Americana Cafe, browse through some really nice boutiques and feel the sun and the wind on my face. Did I mention it's in a convertible mercedes? Hooray for me.


Well that's it for me, have to run and get ready.

Caio for now my friends. Have a great day!!!!!!!

Hello Friends, hope all is well in the land of cyberspace. I finally had a good night's sleep and feel more relaxed today than I have in a very long time. I even took an almost three hour nap yesterday! Sleep is very important and essential in keeping your body and mind in a state of awareness and positive thinking, so I have learned the hard way. Is there anything I haven't ever learned the hard way for that matter?

Summer is here and I plan on having some fun, fun, fun. Something that has been lacking for the past year from my life. Of course, having the sun shining for almost a week straight definitely helps in that point of view.

For the first time, in a very long time, I feel the promise of life coming back to me. The promise of a warm day, a walk in a distant park or at the beach, a warm summer night watching the moon shimmer off the still waters of the bay with a warm breeze blowing in my hair. All good.

I am trying hard not to look at my world as half empty, but with the promise of being half full. It's all up to me and me alone. I just feel good. I feel like good things are going to finally begin to happen to me and I am breathless with anticipation.

So that's where I'm at this Tuesday July 7th. In a comfortable place and feeling peaceful.

I wish everyone a great day and hope that everyone has something to laugh about and with and that your smiles are abundant.

Caio for now my friends.

Well, hello again, my friends. It has been awhile since I have written or even been on line. I have nothing really new or exciting to report except that I am still waiting on getting my belongings back and there is absolutely no communication at all. Where does this person get off thinking he can keep, give away or throw out my things? I will never understand this part of him, or anyone else for that matter, at all. I had a conversation with a friend of mine yesterday that pointed out to me that anyone else that wants no more to do with someone would more than likely want them to get their things and clear out of their life completely. So why did I get stuck with that one person that is still holding onto part of me? That's it, pretty tired these last few days, haven't been sleeping too well and doing too many things during the days. It's good to be back.

Caio for now.

It occurs to me this morning that I have not been in a really good frame of mind for some time now. I blame myself. If I didn't love so unconditionally I wouldn't be in this state of mind, but, if I didn't have the chance to love at all, I wouldn't be here either. Where am I to go now? What am I to do? My best instincts tell me to run as far away as possible, but I am paralyzed in my own existence. I want to kiss him again and make him love me, but I am frightened with the fear of rejection he keeps sending me. That's all for now. Ciao

Well, I finally had a "talk" with the asshole yesterday. More like a chat. He told me he was moving, shutting down my phone, won't pay me back and not to come over and get my stuff. I was furious. He sucks. He claims he will drop off my things at my mom's, idiot that he is he doesn't even know whats mine anymore. Seems he's either moving into that bitch in heat's house or with that black skank or with anyone else he's sleeping with right now. Why the hell do I still care about him or what he does anymore at all. I want my stuff, I want my my money and I want to keep my phone on, claims he wasn't paying me back because he was paying for my phone. Now he's taking that as well. I HATE HIS GUTS. I hate that I ever met him in the first place and I hope bad things happen to him for the rest of his narcissistic life. He also told me that he never wants anything to do with me ever again. Think I was suicidal before, it's getting worse.

In a moment's time, I think of you and then you're gone, where exactly are you?

Today is Saturday, May 30. I bring this to your attention for only one reason. This marks one year for the last good day I ever really had. The last time I smiled, and greeted the sun and the gardens and my heart. The last day I slept in a bed. The last day I would be happy. The last day I would ever feel the love back.

Happy Anniversary to me.

Yesterday I walked the city streets and felt peaceful. I gazed upon buildings that I have never seen before and the great architecture that they were created with. I found myself downtown, first on Center Street, then on Church and finally on Canal. The street vendors, the hustle and bustle, and yes, the gangs on every corner. So there I was, just me, checking out New York City and enjoying the freedom of being alone and being able to make my own way, with no one's guidance or influence. More comfortable than I have been for awhile.

I met some very interesting people along the way. People warm-hearted and kind and very friendly. New York City certainly gets a bad rep for no good reason. It was literally exhilarating.In fact, the headache that I left the office with was suddenly of no consequence to me anymore. The sights, the sounds, the smells, they all seemed to invade my senses and carry me away to a calmer, more tranquil place. I was without fear or worry as my steps took me further away from the realities that had gripped my world for so long. I had a blast. Even the train ride home made me do something I had never done before, sleep. Dreamless sleep on a train. New one for me, never fell asleep on a train. It actually felt good, but I did miss my stop. Nothing too drastic. But, now it is today.

Back to the grindstone and the slow wheels of progress. Standing still, but still standing.

Well that's all I have for now. have a nice day.

Sometimes, I can hear the wind whispering my name.
Soft and gentle, calling to me.
Tomorrow is here and yesterday is a blur of heartache and lessons learned.
The wind lifts me up and carries me to the shore,
birds fly and waters glisten and there is finally the promise
of good things to come, tranquility and peace after a lifetime of turmoil and wrath.

Sometimes, I can hear the wind whispering my name,
and I want to fly away. Forever.

My dear heart:

As I gather myself together this morning and shake off the dreams of last night, I am thinking about how to be happy again. This past week has brought to me new friends and new perspectives and new opportunities. I just need to breathe deep and take the plunge into tomorrow for once and for all. The warmth of the sun on my skin yesterday revitalized my spirit and I found myself happy not to be alone while I was enjoying it. (Although, I do wish someone had informed me how red I was becoming.) Today promises to be just as nice and hopefully I will be laughing again by dusk.

There were times yesterday that my mind went towards the past but I didn't allow myself to linger there for too long. I am quite proud of myself for that, in itself. I am ready to let go now and hope the water is just as warm as the sun when I finally dive in.

I have four new suitors calling me now almost daily, in fact, and I have begun to allot my time accordingly. I have been busy tieing up loose ends in all my affairs and look forward to putting away the demons of my past forever.

Holidays used to unnerve me, for the fact that I was always abandoned whenever they grew near, but now I have plans and commitments and the tv will thankfully be off. Let someone else watch reruns this weekend, I have a brand new life to lead.

So, my dear heart, I am finally healing and I am finally living and I want to thank you for letting me go.

Today the sun is bright and light and promises to fill the earth with warmth. I have the need to be outside and bask in as much of it as I can. I think I'll pack a light lunch and go to the beach with my Sunday NY Times crossword and just veg out on the sand for as long as I can. I want to erase all of the yesterdays from my mind and for just a short time today pretend that everything is right with the world. I think I can do that. I know that I can do that.

I saw his car at the diner last night, Hungarian goulash night. Sometimes, it seems to me, that routines are never really changed that much. His or mine. I took a little comfort in that. It's just that at this time of year I think back on the flowers and the garden and the sheer pleasure of planting and living and loving with him.

Also, today is a month that I am into a new birthday. As usual, there were no balloons or festivities for me, something I have surprisingly gotten quite acceptable of. Sad, really, but nonetheless, accepting of. It is amazing what one can become accustomed to, the lack of or the more of whatever it is.

Yet, I don't want to spend even one minute today on being sad or relegated to the past. Today is a beautiful spring day and I want to enjoy it as much as I can. That's all I have planned, nothing more. I'd even say that I deserve it.

So, please excuse me while I go find a bikini to slip on and I hope that everyone has real nice day too.

Ciao.

Sometimes I just log onto my webpage and gaze at the photographs I posted here. I look amazingly beautiful, don't you think? Well, actually, I don't care what you think, I know I look great. (Just kidding) And as I stare at them I begin to wonder where I went. Who was that woman that seemed so happy and what happened that made her change so drastically and in such a short amount of time.

Truth is, I was happy and felt complete. I look at the second one, I remember that entire day. He took me to have my hair done, he went and got me a bowl of fruit and fed me while I had dye on my hair. We went back to my apartment and made love, then we puttered around and he tinkered with a new TV stand. We hung out with the girls that lived upstairs and made plans for the evening. Dinner and dancing at the City Cafe in Garden City. I loved to go dancing with him. It was one of the best things that we did together. Sometimes we would dance in the supermarket, in elevators, in the living room and backyard. I was quite literally walking on air whenever he held me in his arms and danced. I always felt like the most fortunate woman on the face of the earth that he was with me. I sometimes get so scared that I will never have that feeling again. And, even if I do, it will never be the same. No one, to this day, can understand the magnitude of that statement, so I gave up trying to explain a long time ago.

And yet, I digress. So I look at these photos and I remember the emotions and the bliss and the sheer joy of living and being and I wonder where did I go. Will I ever come back?

Today I notice I haven't been photographed in a really long time. I haven't had a reason to dress up and celebrate Saturday night. I haven't danced. When someone else forces you to look into your past and then dissects it like a frog in biology, you can't help but ponder all the reasons that define you as a person and all the sentiments that make you that way. I have been so hard on myself for so long, I literally willed myself away from life and living and love. I consumed myself in sadness and pain and depression and anger. It has gotten me nowhere at an alarmingly fast pace. Yet, I'm still here, life is still here and love is right outside my door. I want to be that woman again so badly, I want to wear that smile in my heart once more.

Yes, I still wonder where he is, what he is doing, if he is okay. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and sometimes I still cry. He won't answer the phone when I call him anymore and yes, I do reach out and want to hear his voice, but he is gone it seems and loving and living and dancing with somebody else. I only get angry about this, because he would always take calls from that bitch in heat that lives in Commack when I was with him and for some unknown reason he won't take a call from me. Do I scare him? Does he feel guilt for the things that he did to me or does he actually think that I am an evil person and he is happy to have nothing to do with me anymore? I sometimes feel like I need answers to these questions and I haven't gotten any, sometimes I feel like I never will. But I always feel like I deserve them. After all, I am still here and I am worthy and I can be that beautiful, self-assured woman smiling in those photographs again. I am. He walked away from me and I want to know why. Dammit, I deserve to know why.

So all this comes from the past few days and the trepidation of things to come. I hate not knowing and having to face this alone again. I hate that he was never there for me during any of this, not once. I hate is a very strong statement, yet I do. But I do not hate him, just the choices that he made. I hate that he left me alone and stopped loving me without letting me know. I hate not dancing anymore.

The rain is still falling and the measure of apprehension I am learning to deal with in my daily life seems to be building as well. I am here and okay for the moment. I still have my dreams, more like nightmares, that invade my waking life and seem all too real.

Just like forever, everything seems to be moving in slow motion these days. My thoughts are only in the future and yet, seem permanently grounded in the past at the same time. I can not help but wonder if I will be nearing an end soon or will be stuck in this so-called-life for an eternity.

I am alright with the aloneness right now, especially in light of the current situation I am forced to deal with,( only because I have been dealing with it alone since it's inception), but I am staving off a paralyzing fear that I need that very certain support now, more than ever, and will fail if I do not have it.

Yes, I feel pangs of jealousy sweep over me at times and that feeling of being used and thrown away doesn't exactly help to build any kind of great self-esteem, but I am forced to face it head on. I have no other choice. The feelings of inadequacies of being me are starting to cloud my vision of all the good things I have accomplished in my life and in the last four years alone. I wish and will them away for good. And yes, I still feel anger, some moments more than I care to, and am starting to rationalize that I was the stupid one during all of this and am starting to turn the anger towards myself. I just want some kind of resolution and complete disconnect from this horrific nightmare that has been my life for so long. Will, I wonder, get it by the end of this week? Or, will I have to endure it longer? Perhaps, it is just that Friday was so painful when I had to relive the past so vividly and in every little detail. Not just for the purposes of what brought to me this place, but for every personal issue as well. Maybe, I had really tried to shut the door on all my painful memories and then was forced to pry it open once more. Maybe that's all it is, and I shouldn't dwell on yesterday because there's nothing I can do about it any longer. And with that last statement, I am lead back into that feeling of helplessness I feel about everything in my life all at once. I have no control of anything in my life at all right now. It's not fair and it stinks. No one, it seems, is giving me a chance to be myself at all. I am fighting to stay alive and afloat by myself and that struggle is sometimes too hard for me to keep going. And yet I do. Why is that? What exactly is the light at the end of the tunnel for me? I was so certain it involved him for so long that I lost track of myself along the way and now I am at a great precipice that only seems to grow larger and darker and more uncertain. I want out of this game but am forced to stay in and play the hand that I was dealt, but for what? What exactly will I win? And, of course, that's if I win at all.

Okay, so that's where I am at this Sunday. Pretty in depth and insightful. Doesn't add up to a hill of beans though. My words, there just words, nothing more. I need to feel reconnected to something not me. Something greater than me, a purpose to keep this uphill battle meaningful. A declaration of some kind that validates I am a human being and worthy of the air I breathe. I would love to get that from that past, but the truth is I already know it lies in the future. From where I couldn't tell you, in what timeline is not mine to know.

I just hope it happens soon.

Ciao, my friends.

Although the day is grey with fog and rain outside, I am still holding on to hope. Yesterday's brilliant sun didn't touch my face as I was engrossed with legalities and preparations for an upcoming trial. When I came home from the city I was so mentally exhausted I slept until this morning. Sometimes I feel I am swimming upstream and never reaching shore. I called him last night before the bliss of dreamless sleep took over and of course he didn't answer. I left a message to tell him what I had accomplished on my own. I sounded pathetic. Why won't he even talk to me, what did I do so wrong or is it that he is just so narcissistic, he only hears himself ? I am at a loss, but it is out of my control. He is gone again, living high on other people's money and his own damn lies.

I am still hurt and yesterday's emotional relapse into the past didn't help to bring me closer to the end than it did to resurrect the pain of all I have endured. How I wish this would all come to an end quickly. I was never one to cope well with adversity. The stress of this is going to kill me.
Yet, I have to deal with this all over again come Tuesday. And Wednesday. And next week as well.

I guess that's it for now. I have to start my day and move on for just today. Say a prayer for me, my friends, I need them now, more than ever.

Ciao for now.

You know that feeling you sometimes get? You know the one. You can't quite figure it out, but it just stays with you? Well, that's what I've got going on right now. I can't call him, I can't see him, yet he's still here with me. Everywhere I look, everything I hear, all the things I know. It hurts really deep and it won't go away.

I can't stand being alone. My mind just races like a freight train full of memories. I want to call him and ask him out, but it probably would only be more painful in the long run. Please, God, ask him to remember me today in a good light, don't block me from him entirely.

Once again, I have to reiterate how alone alone can be. It just sucks. Period. I hate it. Where is my happiness?