The rain is still falling and the measure of apprehension I am learning to deal with in my daily life seems to be building as well. I am here and okay for the moment. I still have my dreams, more like nightmares, that invade my waking life and seem all too real.

Just like forever, everything seems to be moving in slow motion these days. My thoughts are only in the future and yet, seem permanently grounded in the past at the same time. I can not help but wonder if I will be nearing an end soon or will be stuck in this so-called-life for an eternity.

I am alright with the aloneness right now, especially in light of the current situation I am forced to deal with,( only because I have been dealing with it alone since it's inception), but I am staving off a paralyzing fear that I need that very certain support now, more than ever, and will fail if I do not have it.

Yes, I feel pangs of jealousy sweep over me at times and that feeling of being used and thrown away doesn't exactly help to build any kind of great self-esteem, but I am forced to face it head on. I have no other choice. The feelings of inadequacies of being me are starting to cloud my vision of all the good things I have accomplished in my life and in the last four years alone. I wish and will them away for good. And yes, I still feel anger, some moments more than I care to, and am starting to rationalize that I was the stupid one during all of this and am starting to turn the anger towards myself. I just want some kind of resolution and complete disconnect from this horrific nightmare that has been my life for so long. Will, I wonder, get it by the end of this week? Or, will I have to endure it longer? Perhaps, it is just that Friday was so painful when I had to relive the past so vividly and in every little detail. Not just for the purposes of what brought to me this place, but for every personal issue as well. Maybe, I had really tried to shut the door on all my painful memories and then was forced to pry it open once more. Maybe that's all it is, and I shouldn't dwell on yesterday because there's nothing I can do about it any longer. And with that last statement, I am lead back into that feeling of helplessness I feel about everything in my life all at once. I have no control of anything in my life at all right now. It's not fair and it stinks. No one, it seems, is giving me a chance to be myself at all. I am fighting to stay alive and afloat by myself and that struggle is sometimes too hard for me to keep going. And yet I do. Why is that? What exactly is the light at the end of the tunnel for me? I was so certain it involved him for so long that I lost track of myself along the way and now I am at a great precipice that only seems to grow larger and darker and more uncertain. I want out of this game but am forced to stay in and play the hand that I was dealt, but for what? What exactly will I win? And, of course, that's if I win at all.

Okay, so that's where I am at this Sunday. Pretty in depth and insightful. Doesn't add up to a hill of beans though. My words, there just words, nothing more. I need to feel reconnected to something not me. Something greater than me, a purpose to keep this uphill battle meaningful. A declaration of some kind that validates I am a human being and worthy of the air I breathe. I would love to get that from that past, but the truth is I already know it lies in the future. From where I couldn't tell you, in what timeline is not mine to know.

I just hope it happens soon.

Ciao, my friends.