Well, Happy New Year's Eve...I got a reprieve from the governor yesterday, my adventurous trek into Manhattan was re-scheduled until next week. So, I am glad as I sit here and watch the snow falling, after just getting back indoors, it was freezing out there, so I know from experience it would be even colder navigating the city streets. The buildings act like wind tunnels and you don't, if you can help it, want to be anywhere near there on a day like today. And that's just weather wise.

So, now I have to reconsider my options for New Year's Eve '08. I am reminded of years past when the loneliness enveloped me and carried me for days. I refuse to cede to that yet again. Friends want me with them for an early supper and gathering, and I will probably go. I spent the better part of this morning crying over that narcissist bastard and his demonic ways, and I feel better now, albeit a little tired. Plenty of time for a nap.



Well, wouldn't you just know that this would happen. I pray in the morning that God gives me strength throughout the day and brings me into tomorrow a better person with alot less anger and there he is, and he im's me and he asks me over for New Years Eve. Now, I know what you all are thinking right now, and believe me, I thought of it myself. How much humiliation can one person endure before crashing and burning for good? How many times must I forgive and forget for him to forgive me and start treating me like the human being I always was. What is it finally going to take for me to realize that he will never love me like I want and dream him to? Is one night, ok it is New Years Eve, worth the incredibly painful and long-lasting heartache that ultimately will follow? WHEN, IF EVER, WILL I LEARN AND LET GO?



I am sober and trying hard to evaluate the concerns I have in order to make this decision with a sound mind. Why does it have to be tonight of all nights in the year for me to exercise my right to say no? Why tonight do I finally have the choice to say forget you and walk away? There has to be some irony in that. This must be retribution for praying that he gets a deadly disease.By the way, he was really pissed about that one, let me tell you. ( I still laugh out loud when I read it.)



What am I supposed to do? What should I do? The powers that be are really throwing me into the fire pit with this one. Though I must say that I do not feel that nervous tingly sensation I usually got whenever he would come around again after dissing me so coldly, instead I am rather calm and have actually picked up the phone to call the woman I have become supported by to seek out her advice. Yes, you probably already know what she said. But, unlike the other women in my life, she gets me to think about the answer myself instead of telling me what it is. I really appreciate that quality in her alot. Thanks Jeannie, I love you.



But, that doesn't necessarily mean I will go ahead and do the right thing by me either. Though, I must admit, it feels good to have the choice. Me, not him. But I am thinking more in terms of the future than the pleasure of the night. I would love to sit with him by the fire again and watch a movie and more importantly, be held, but would it be the same? Can I empower enough of the fantasy to make it work for both of us? To make it last more than the few hours that he will ultimately decide I warrant before he drives me home and tells me he has to get ready to go out or to get ready for a poker game? Will I stay strong and , very importantly, sober in the aftermath? Will things change or be different because it is New Year's Eve? I don't think so. I think that he has no plans, he immed me, he didn't call me and I'm drawn between two directions. Two paths diverged in a yellow wood and I chose the one less traveled on. Robert Frost, smart man. Only he, like so many of you, don't know what the path of Roger is all about. I have gone on and on in this blog about the viciousness of his actions and how he left me homeless and all alone and broken-hearted and frightened. Obviously there was alot of good or I wouldn't have fallen in love with him in the first place and stayed for so many years. There was much good there.

I guess I'll just have to decide this one for myself. Happy New Year my friends, peace to you all.