It occurs to me, that no matter how old we grow to or how many experiences we encounter in our lifetime, we are still reluctant to the concept of change. Most of us, usually the older ones, have set in stone the pattern of their lives so concisely , it is sometimes quite frustrating for the rest of us, who have always been open to new dimensions of life and learning, to watch as these seemingly "normal", functioning" individuals negate all the possibilities to grow or to see the forest through the trees. Instead, they sit comfortably in their lazy chairs of life and watch the world go by doing exactly the same thing they did 20, 30, 40 or even 50 years ago.

My own Mother, God bless her, has driven the same way to the mall as she has since it opened back in the 70's, even though there are shorter routes to take now, with less lights and less schools on the way. She always parks in the same spot and goes in from the same store, even if the only store she planned on shopping in is at the other end of this half-mile long concrete precipice. On Sundays, she sits in exactly the same pew at the church as she has since my father died.When he was alive, we always sat completely on the other side and she holds in great esteem, the ability to always drive over the curb in front of her house in order to park way on the left side of the driveway. If you ever question her about any of these habits or why she doesn't change her scenic view at least once to get to the mall, she will immediately get on the defensive and state quite firmly that she is "quite comfortable" doing it this way and not to ask her about it again. It literally drives me crazy, no pun intended, but there is nothing I can do about it. End of story.

I begin this way, because it has suddenly occurred to me that I am a fortunate person. Perhaps not in love , as you already know, and/or money, but in the simple reason that I was never afraid of change or to adapting a new point of view. Of course, the gentler anything was introduced to me, the more open I was to receive it. If you try to thrust anything on me , I will fight you to the finish, even if you are right and I am wrong. I do know when I am wrong, but, like the true Turauen I am, if you try to push anything on me in a less-than-friendly manner, I will never give in. I always liked to learn something new. I learned the computer many years ago, after moving back home from upstate and getting a job at a nearby TV repair business. It was a Thursday, I started on Monday, I had never worked on a computer before, I didn't have one. Jeff, the owner, lent me a book and I took it home, I made a drawing of a keyboard and read the manual from cover to cover. On Monday, I was both frightened and nervous he would see that I wasn't as "experienced" as I told him I was ( actually in order to get that book, I told him I was learned on another program, but I was a fast student and I just needed to brush up on the fundamentals) well I had that job until I the hotels opened up again and I was back upstate. As I sit here now and think about it, I have to pat myself on the back, who else would know to draw a keyboard on a piece of paper to learn how to use a computer? I have to admit it was a brilliant idea and it worked. That is the best part of the story. It worked. And, because I knew I had to learn this to go anywhere I wanted which I did.

This simple story brings me back to idea of change. Om January 3 I had a conversation with woman I met in my church years ago and just now am becoming friends with. She said something very basic , yet extremely fundamental to me. I am in charge of my own happiness. Simple, straight to the point. Of course, as all roads in my mind and my heart point to Roger, this was earmarked for our talk on him. And yet, it is true. Something I was never willing or perhaps able to see so definitively black or white before. If he chooses to not want me in his life anymore, am I then obliged to spend my days and nights in morning? Do I have to suffer his loss by making it my own? I did almost everything right by him, that much I do know, I loved him completely and honestly and without reservation. I accepted every flaw in his character with a sour taste in my mouth but the hope that he would see the error of his own ways. Need I still feel bad for the loss of something that really wasn't mine in the first place? No. So, I am no longer crying and staying isolated from the world. I am embracing this fundamentally easy adage into my daily mantra. Where, in the past, as those of you have faithfully kept in tune with me know, I had lived almost every single waking minute since I was abandoned on the streets in May feeling sad and drinking away my feelings and being miserable when I had the power to change it all the whole time. I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. I just didn't know, I just didn't get it.

Though, all things being as truthful as they are on this blog, I seemed to like myself much better when I was I with him, then when I was not. I always felt like a much better person when I was loving someone than when I was alone. I was sober with him and looked through the real rose-tinted-glasses and not the kind I seemed to have fabricated since. It was only when he would lie or cheat or leave me and my heart was broken in so many little and unfixable pieces that I literally thought I was going to die, did I turn to my only other best friend, the bottle for comfort and support.

And, honestly, that never was any comfort at all. It was just a means to an end of feelings and remorse. Yet, he knew that and he used it against me. He still does a little, I am almost certain of that. But, that is neither my problem nor my concern, That is his and his alone. So yesterday, instead of spending the day alone and wondering, I went to early mass, went shopping with Mom, went out to lunch, went back to Church to see a Christmas Concert, which I was so happy I did, because as you know, I missed Christmas again this year and then went to a reception following with another friend from church. All in all, I had a good day. A good, positive, Rosie is happy day. And it was and I am.

So change can happen, even to the most stubborn of us bulls, and it can be good.

And now to answer those inquiring minds that want to know what I decided to do on New Years Eve. After three hours of calling everyone on my support list and some who weren't but who still deserve to share their points of view, I decided to see him anyway. I guess you can tell what everyone advised me not to do. I did it because I needed to, not because I was overcome with emotion and hopefulness. I wanted to see if this road was the one I should chose to travel down still. It was quiet and relaxed and lasted for three days. I slept in a bed and it was great. We ate too much food and played a marathon of scrabble. And I noticed things I had not seen before, perhaps because I did not want to or because I was simply too afraid to acknowledge them. And it goes back to change.

When I first allowed Roger to come into my life and love me , I looked around his apartment and felt the absence of warmth. A simple as that. So, being the person I am, where there were no curtains, now there were, embellishments on the walls and the doors, pretty pieces to take away the starkness of the dark paneling that encompassed the whole living area. Flowers, hand-painted stem ware, flattering pillows, an incredibly beautiful day-bed set with my own hand sewn embroidered pillowcases and and my own designed pillows, (which I definitely want back, especially after realizing he is inviting skanky women he meets on the Internet to have sex on this daybed that is conveniently situated in front of the fireplace, I'm actually wondering if I should send him the bill for the dry-cleaning of these after I do get them back) I made his house a home. Even his own children acknowledged to me what a wonderful job I did in making his apartment finally into a home. It is slowly losing the warmth again. I looked around and felt the absence of the warmth I had so carefully and lovingly bestowed upon it slipping quickly away. I felt sad. He is going backwards to being who he was before he ever met me. I do not know what that means. Wiping the slate clean in order to start again? Pretending that I never existed at all? Should I perceive this a compliment or an insult? I do not know and further I do not have the energy to care about it anymore. Those are the exact thoughts that will only make me crazy and want to drink again. I have given him too much time and emotion without receiving anything back as it is, I can't give him anymore. But it was sad, to be in a once happy and loving place, now empty and void of any real feelings anymore. He is back to basics again, filling his need for love and companionship with insignificant whims and flings and gambling. He is so obviously trying to get something he misses back into his daily routine, he is all but trying to clear out and erase the mistakes he has made. I was real. The love he had for me was real. It will always be inside him and he knows it. That is the truth I will take with me today. No more promises of a happy future and living in Neverland, just the truth, why try so hard to get rid of everything that reminds him of me if he weren't trying to forget what he really gave away in the first place?

And, finally, to those of you that read my words and "report" back to Roger on it, I would like to leave you with a question that you can take with you and think on, if you are actually smart enough to think for yourselves as I know some of you are clearly not. If after reading everything I have written here since July and not being able to grasp the truth in my words or being able to read between the lines I have written, do you honestly believe that Roger hasn't continually lied to you about me from the very beginning? Or do you honestly believe that you are special and lie-proof? Think on it my adversaries, and why not write me back? I would love to hear how you really feel about that? Because you are not special at all, as sad as that may seem to you, you just aren't. That's it. Like me, but ever more desperate than I would ever want or allow myself to be.