As I gaze out the window of my childhood bedroom, now the computer room, I see the sun trying to break through the clouds that seem to be hanging low enough in the sky to reach out and touch. I am wondering how cold is it out there and will it snow it again? I have yet to begin to get my papers together for Thursday's meeting, and as it nears, I find myself getting more nervous of the outcome. This has been a long involved case, three years long, I have gone through so much in life since it's inception. Homelessness, biopsies, hospitalizations and of course, the most traumatic, a broken heart, then a healed heart then a broken one again and again and again. I really need a vacation.

I would like to feel the sun touch my skin and feel the soft waves knocking against the side of a boat gently coaxing me to sleep. I can see it so clearly, it 's as if it's almost real.

Last night, I wore a pair of pants I bought in France with Roger. The compliments I received were innumerous. Really unbelievable. I was surprised when a fellow AA asked me where I got them which led to a long and descriptive story of the South of France. I was amazed at the onslaught of memories that came flooding back to me and then the all too familiar twang of that which I miss. I want so much to go back there, and yet I know the one major reason I do is because I was with Roger there and I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. That realization took me by surprise and I had to consciously come back to myself and all things present.

When I awake in the morning I have a routine that I began many years ago. I make my coffee, read the paper and then I go online. My mailbox is flooded with at least fifteen different astrology sites bringing me daily predictions on what my day will be like and love horoscopes. I read them all dutifully and with an open mind. When I am with him I read his too. When we are apart I don't, simply because his is always full of 'new love" this and "new love" that. I will not allow myself to go there when I do not need to. Today was no different. I wonder sometimes is it me they are referring to or the new girl from that chatroom, with the skanky pictures and the promise of doing something nasty on the open fire? You know, if I were a man and a woman I never met before sent me provocative, half-naked pics of herself and chatted me up with sexual innuendos and such I would imagine I would hook up to. I mean, why not? Free sex...that's right up his alley. But there might just be more to this one than merely that. I really don't know, but I am not going to fool myself into thinking anything less but the possibilities. Will he take her to Atlantic City like he promised he would take me or has he already? I can feel the heat wave begin to rise right now in my throat and know I have probably struck a nerve of truth in myself.
And then, I have to see the other side of the coin as well. For all the years I let him in, he was with countless other women from all across the country, taking notes, keeping binders (complete with pics from A-Z) and they are gone into the four corners of nowhere right now. I sorta feel bad for him in a way. I want him to be happy for real not from something he fabricates and can never hold on to. He starts these "relationships" with lies and I wonder what can you build up to from there? I really do want him to let someone love him for real before he dies. He was my best friend, perhaps that is the reason why I missed him so much. He was one of the best.

I don't know if I should let that stay in this morning's blog, it might come back to haunt me later on. Do I dare take the chance? I really don't know. Also, am I the only woman that has been in his life that this bothers? That other "dear friend" of his that still makes me gag when I think of her, where the hell is her self-respect? Moral of the day, boys and girls, desperation comes in many sad ways. I, as much as I hate her, have alot of pity for her as well.

So that's it for now anyway. I am tired of writing today. I am going to go focus on the positiveness of yesterday, the possibilities of today and the promise of tomorrow. I needn't sit here and focus on the past. But, for all things Roger in this blog, I hope he calls and says hello.

Ciao for now.