Turns out I was right. I am always right and I hate myself for doubting myself. He played cards. Just like the old days when we used to be driving to a restaurant with reservations and that f---g guy would call and I would beg him not to answer and suddenly he was playing cards, I was home alone and forget about dinner. Am I back here again sans the romance and the courtship? Right into the neglected, take second seat to gambling? I don't need this again. Not at all.

And, of course there is a game tonight. I really don't want to go home, mom keeps yelling at me to go to a meeting. Sometimes I really don't feel like being part of that world. I have to stay out until 9:30. I don't feel like drinking and I'm not pysched to go home, maybe I will go to the movies. I was never any good at being by myself. I though I would sleep in a bed tonight. I have fantasies of shooting that f---g guy, but it would serve no purpose. Roger chose him over me many years ago and he is forever here. He's even going to Roger''s daughter wedding. Roger's taking the fat demented cow. We never even speak about it, not at all. Why am I living through this again? With every lie he speaks the past comes racing back to me with all the might and destruction of a tsunami. Nothing good ever comes from me being with him, and yet I can't seem to break away. Roger owes me so much. He is incapable of living without these two dark forces in his life. How I hate them both, so much.