There were many moments in every day I used to devote to other people. Whether it was just in thought, or writing or in doing, my energy was always focused on someone else and never myself. Do I have any regrets about that now? No, I can't possibly, because I assume, that's what I was meant to do. But, what the real question now becomes is can I consciously change or alter my way of thinking to bring that energy to me? In other words, can I , without the association of guilt or selfishness, concentrate on and make myself number one? I am going to experiment with just that philosophy today and see how it turns out. Stay tuned for the results.

On all other matters, life is calm and I am sober. I went to a meeting Thursday night and it was ok. I sit in front in the big room now and like the serenity of it. I do not share, but I do listen. No drama and no judgements. I have significantly cut down on daytime groups and I have been trying to apply different positive facets of this organization into my daily life. Aside from screaming and cursing at an ex-friend last week, I think I'm doing a pretty good job> Ha- Ha. Also, I got a little laugh, instead of angry, at how some people came up to me and tried to see if I went "out" again when I went away last week. Too sad that some people have to look for the failure of others to justify their own sobriety.

On matters of family and friends, I am happy to report that no one has passed away this week and all is quiet here on Alhambra Road . Yet, I did wake up extra early this morning and Mom is still sleeping. So that has to count for something. But, I like the quiet and stillness in the morning, I always did. I am better able to read and write when I know it is just me.

On matters dealing with my heart and all things Roger, it has been a low-key week and I have to admit that that is okay with me. I guess I wasn't in the mood for drama in any form at all this week. Even skipping over his horoscopes so my mind doesn't go into cyber fantasy world either. Just taking things one day at a time and taking care of me. Of course, I could probably take alot better care of me if I had a million dollars, or two. But, lets face it that's just not going to happen, at least not yet. But, I still keep my fingers crossed.

Anyway, unexpected surprises are always nice and welcoming and I am trying to deliberately make the best of every day I have right now. Whether or not that means being with or without Roger, I have other things I can do and other people who do want to spend time with me. So, I will just wait this day for as long as I can and then I will try to do for me again. I realize it is Saturday night, and if he isn't having a card game he may very well be going out with someone else. I have learned to accept and acquiesce. Even if I don't like it, I am longer going to allow life to pass me by because I am not with him, that was always the biggest waste of time for me over these last 8 and 1/2 years.

Well, I guess that's it for now, maybe I'll come back later, might futz around the house for awhile and eat breakfast.

Ciao for now, my friends.