Well, Happy New Year's Eve...I got a reprieve from the governor yesterday, my adventurous trek into Manhattan was re-scheduled until next week. So, I am glad as I sit here and watch the snow falling, after just getting back indoors, it was freezing out there, so I know from experience it would be even colder navigating the city streets. The buildings act like wind tunnels and you don't, if you can help it, want to be anywhere near there on a day like today. And that's just weather wise.

So, now I have to reconsider my options for New Year's Eve '08. I am reminded of years past when the loneliness enveloped me and carried me for days. I refuse to cede to that yet again. Friends want me with them for an early supper and gathering, and I will probably go. I spent the better part of this morning crying over that narcissist bastard and his demonic ways, and I feel better now, albeit a little tired. Plenty of time for a nap.



Well, wouldn't you just know that this would happen. I pray in the morning that God gives me strength throughout the day and brings me into tomorrow a better person with alot less anger and there he is, and he im's me and he asks me over for New Years Eve. Now, I know what you all are thinking right now, and believe me, I thought of it myself. How much humiliation can one person endure before crashing and burning for good? How many times must I forgive and forget for him to forgive me and start treating me like the human being I always was. What is it finally going to take for me to realize that he will never love me like I want and dream him to? Is one night, ok it is New Years Eve, worth the incredibly painful and long-lasting heartache that ultimately will follow? WHEN, IF EVER, WILL I LEARN AND LET GO?



I am sober and trying hard to evaluate the concerns I have in order to make this decision with a sound mind. Why does it have to be tonight of all nights in the year for me to exercise my right to say no? Why tonight do I finally have the choice to say forget you and walk away? There has to be some irony in that. This must be retribution for praying that he gets a deadly disease.By the way, he was really pissed about that one, let me tell you. ( I still laugh out loud when I read it.)



What am I supposed to do? What should I do? The powers that be are really throwing me into the fire pit with this one. Though I must say that I do not feel that nervous tingly sensation I usually got whenever he would come around again after dissing me so coldly, instead I am rather calm and have actually picked up the phone to call the woman I have become supported by to seek out her advice. Yes, you probably already know what she said. But, unlike the other women in my life, she gets me to think about the answer myself instead of telling me what it is. I really appreciate that quality in her alot. Thanks Jeannie, I love you.



But, that doesn't necessarily mean I will go ahead and do the right thing by me either. Though, I must admit, it feels good to have the choice. Me, not him. But I am thinking more in terms of the future than the pleasure of the night. I would love to sit with him by the fire again and watch a movie and more importantly, be held, but would it be the same? Can I empower enough of the fantasy to make it work for both of us? To make it last more than the few hours that he will ultimately decide I warrant before he drives me home and tells me he has to get ready to go out or to get ready for a poker game? Will I stay strong and , very importantly, sober in the aftermath? Will things change or be different because it is New Year's Eve? I don't think so. I think that he has no plans, he immed me, he didn't call me and I'm drawn between two directions. Two paths diverged in a yellow wood and I chose the one less traveled on. Robert Frost, smart man. Only he, like so many of you, don't know what the path of Roger is all about. I have gone on and on in this blog about the viciousness of his actions and how he left me homeless and all alone and broken-hearted and frightened. Obviously there was alot of good or I wouldn't have fallen in love with him in the first place and stayed for so many years. There was much good there.

I guess I'll just have to decide this one for myself. Happy New Year my friends, peace to you all.

Well, it's almost here. The ball drops, people kiss, champagne flows. Where will you be? Where will I be? As it turns out, I have to go into Manhattan tomorrow morning for a meeting on Park Avenue. The busiest day of the year for the city and I will be right smack dab in the middle of it. I have a little apprehension for this short journey, but I am trying very hard to see the forest through the trees on this. I will dress warm, only bring what I need and project a positive spin on the situation. I will not be afraid and intimidated by the madness, but resign myself to the fact that if I did not get into a such a funky depression last week, I would have accomplished this task then. I just couldn't imagine myself taking a ride from him and listening to his stories of what a wonderful weekend he had, while I was under the impression that he and I had already cemented plans in place. I couldn't bare to face him and be a prisoner in his car. Like other times before, it took me several years and talks with family and friends to realize that part of his "addiction" is to tell me of his conquests. And he did. Sometimes in graphic detail. I just couldn't allow myself to get so full of anxiety and jealousy and anger and then have to behave professionally with the lawyer I had never even met before. I couldn't mentally do it. So, I have come to an understanding with God and the powers that be, that I am supposed to go into Manhattan on New Year's Eve and since, I have done nothing in the last eight years on this date, I am destined to be courageous and journey out into the world for the mere fact that solitude and isolation and depression are not on my list this year to embrace on such an auspicious day. The powers that be would rather have me delight in the real world and not the fantasy world in which I have allowed myself to be reside in. Hopefully I will be back here, safe and sound before the real madness starts, but even that means to me that I will be home alone for midnight. I don't know if I want that again. My decision and my world. For right now I have to concentrate on paper work and formalities and getting what I desire out of tomorrow's meeting. I have to get a warm wardrobe together, and directions from point A to point B. So that's that for now.

I am wondering if he has read any of this blog in recent days or if he is just too busy with all his new friends. I still giggle over yesterday's prayer.

In case I miss tomorrow, Happy New Year to all.

Dear God: Here is my prayer for today. I am grateful for the little things, but I would really like to go away on a long and far away journey, now. I am grateful for the people in my life but since they have seemingly no clue what the hell I am feeling, I want to have that journey begin now. I am grateful for all the blessings you have bestowed upon me but can't you bestow them on me somewhere else, like the Bahamas? And, most of all, I hope that everything that Roger cherishes in this lifetime would just die or break or be sold or just simply disappear from his life. I hope he grows painstakingly ill and becomes bedridden with a crippling disease and that he loses his sanity through some wicked sexually transmitted disease. Amen.

Good Morning, Sunday. Good Morning all things past and present. I have the gifts, wrapped and tied with ribbons for him, still sitting in my living room. He came on line yesterday and I suppose as soon as he saw I was online too, he logged off immediately. Pretty juvenile behavior for a 65 year old man, wouldn't you say? Well, I guess that's that again. So much for holiday cheer.

Will the good tidings ever come and fill my heart again? Will I have to wait forever to be loved again, this time the right way, the way I deserve to be? No one deserves this, no one. I don't care what I did that was so wrong. It isn't fair and it isn't right. I shouldn't have to judge myself by his approvals or dismissals, who is he anyway, just a man who is a sex addict, a liar , a cheat and a gambler.He actually operates an illegal gambling den in the downstairs of the home we used to share where all my things are quickly disappearing from. And I need him because why? If he wants someone else he can have them, let them feel the hurt that I have been feeling for so long, let them know the pain. It is not my job to save anyone else but myself. Besides, not everyone is as vulnerable as I am, so maybe they will see through him more quickly than it took me.

I would like a second chance at life and obviously it means living a life that doesn't include so many tears and so much pain. I repeat, no one deserves this, no one. Isn't love something that is supposed to make you happy and not sad, anyway?

I hate him so much right now, I feel consumed with it. He really stinks as a person. He truly is evil in so many ways. Where did he get that from? Certainly not from God. And how is it, he thinks he is always so justified in causing so much damage and grief? Will he ever get his?

He made love to me last Tuesday. On Wednesday, just like in the beginning, I cried on the way back to my house because I didn't want to say good-bye. On Thursday it was Christmas shopping and dinner, he promised he would take me to see the holiday lights over the weekend and to Atlantic City after Christmas. He even asked me where I wanted to stay. On Friday he wouldn't answer the phone. I haven't heard from him since. How would you feel? Merry Christmas, again.

It is very early on the morning of the winter solstice. The rain and snow outside have left the slush puddles in an enormous and obtrusive river to my front door. The skies hang grey and low and the feeling of merriment is far away. Christmas is almost here, is it not? Where is the joy then, I wonder? The lights seem to shine brightly on all the other houses in my neighborhood and are ominously bleak around mine. Will the sun come back before the 25th? Will the peace and good-cheer of the holiday season return and fill my heart with love? I pray on it.

AN OPEN LETTER TO SANTA CLAUS:

Dear Santa,

I would like to begin by telling you that I still believe in miracles. You have showed me this past year that I am a survivor, even in the worst of circumstances. You have given me the strength to continue when I was alone and cold and hungry. I now have a home again when I did not. Abandoned on the streets, I was grateful for the warmth of the season I was left outside, broken-hearted and frightened. I am grateful I now have a place to lay my head at night and food to eat. I still need some more help from you though and hope you get this letter in time. I am not asking for myself but for those people that have come and gone in my life that I still feel connected to. I ask for them.

Many years ago you brought into my life a man whom changed my outlook on love from one that was very dire to that which was radiant. You instilled in him the generosity of a hundred men and a heart filled with gold. And I was blessed with having him, even though the warm days and nights fell short of my desires, he was given to me to make my life better and he did. I ask that you watch out for him. I ask with extreme sincerity that you keep his choices simple and give him the knowledge that he lacks. He is a simple man in many ways, yet he complicates himself and the world around him with difficulties he doesn't need. He creates for himself more problems then he can navigate through and then becomes overwhelmed with his own decisions and falls back on vices that are not healthy.

He truly is one of the most amazing men I have ever met in this life and he deserves to know and feel that more than anyone else. In his lifetime, I ask you to bless him with everything good and beautiful. I wish him only the best for himself and his loved ones. Always.

I would also ask that you take care of friends that have come and gone. Perhaps there is no communication there anymore and there will never be again, but it doesn't mean that they are completely out of my heart or my thoughts. To them I ask for peace. I ask that they acknowledge in the morning what a blessing life really is and to keep their eyes on the simple miracles that God has bestowed upon them, not what they think they lack. Peace to them now and for always, for they need to rest in their hearts and count each day a minute at a time.

For my family I want them to have a better understanding of how lucky they are to have everyone still here and healthy. Rivalries that are years behind us, I ask that you remove from their conscience and give them the power of resolution and forgiveness. I would like for them all to realize that life is a journey that sometimes ends too soon. They need to forgive each other and start to love again. There are no perfect people in this world and family certainly falls under that credo and so to them I ask for kindness in heart and a gentle approach and the patience to acknowledge that we are all a gift to each other. There really is no better gift than the love of family.

To my friends that are new and seem to love me unconditionally, I ask for time. Time to explore the new foundations that these friendships have been forged under. Time to slow things down that they will be present in every moment of their lives and time to love all who need it back to health and life. They are gift upon themselves, so time for them to enjoy all the good they do.

As for me, I only ask one thing of you Santa. I need to understand more clearly the path that I am set here to follow. I want to understand the obstacles that are put in front of me and learn to navigate them more practically and with less doubt. I want to understand why people come and go in my heart and then come back again only to leave me once more. I want to look forward to today without having to second guess the past. Understanding why people do the things they do and if I should feel the hurt that they leave behind. I want to learn to love again with the purity and conviction you have shown me I was so capable of before. I have asked for more than I thought. Oh well, Christmas only comes once a year.

This is my Christmas list, thank you Santa.
\\

Merry Christmas to all.

So I let the chips fall. I lost. If you really love something, you have to set it free. Even though it hurts.

Think of a happy place
close your eyes
breathe deeply
relax
everything will be alright
everything will be calm
life has a way of working out

So much for reverse psychology, I took a chance and wrote to him that I love him and want to see him again.

Let's see.

Perhaps I was too harsh today with my thoughts and my words. Perhaps I wasn't. Will I ever find out?

I have had a few days of down time to completely veg out on the couch and do nothing but think through the prospects of my future.

Christmas is so close right now and I am still not ready to battle the maddening crowds and over baking that needs to be done. That I attribute to my lasting disappointment in all things him.

Tomorrow still something else I have no control over, nor do I think I even care anymore about.

I have to concentrate on getting out of this house and moving on with my life. The walls are starting to cave in on me again. I am feeling like a pawn in everyone else's desires of me. The phone can ring a thousand times, but there is only one call I care to get. (Well, maybe two. An offer from opposing counsel would be greatly appreciated right now.)

My choices are somewhat limited, but I feel a strong desire to keep them my choices and no one else's. By that I mean, I want to decide where I go and what I do on my own. I had a great dream last night that I had an apartment on the water, a party with lots of food and people and a cat. I like cats. I always did. It was nice, being on the water, being happy, everything about the dream was a nice way to wake up this morning. Even the dreariness of the day can't take that away from me right now.

On a more traditional note of staying with the original theme of this blog, apparently my mother took it upon herself on Sunday to call Roger and let him know how upset she was with him for amongst other things giving my furniture and jewelery away and by getting so defensive with me when I asked him where they were. Touche' Mom.

He called but I didn't answer. I still have alot of things over there and each day I feel like they are flying out the door. I really need to address the conclusion of this once and for all and then move the hell away from here all together. Maybe I should meet men on line like he does with his sleazy chatrooms and "business" trips. He is such a waste of space in my heart and my head.
Even now just writing this last paragraph tired me out.Why in the hell did he bother to come back into my life in the first place and fill me with hope again? Can a person really be that cruel?

Well, that's it for now, I might take his pictures down too, why do I need to keep looking at them everyday, right? They are so yesterday. I'm looking forward to tomorrow. He's not invited.

Caio for now, my friends.

It is very cold here in more ways than just the weather. The absence of hope is all around me and I am trying desperately to stay afloat. I have given up on having a happy holiday season and am instead remembering past Christmases and New Years with a sigh of regret and a little tinge of anger of how I was alone waiting for a call. How, I wonder, do other people seem to just be there for each other? Why did I have to meet such an incredibly distant man?

The sun would be nice right now. I am even too tired to write.

Saturday and I could feel the cold of winter when I first awoke. It has been a long and draining week. I have not heard a word from the him in some time. Not since Tuesday before Thanksgiving. He used me again and I fell for it. It takes a long time for me to recover from any contact with him. He is worse than a drink. With that in mind, I am off today to do something bold and brilliant. There is no time for me to sit and wait any longer, I am done with that. Permanently. He is no longer. I am no longer beholden to him or the promise of any future with him. He has hurt me for the last time.

It is Monday. The long weekend finally behind me and the promise of tomorrow at hand. I have a plan. It only includes me and not Roger. He is gone again, into his world of fantasy and folklore. I truly have no clue, nor do I want one.

Today will be a good day. I have many things to do and accomplish, the pieces of my life finally coming together like an intricately spun cloth. All that glitters is gold for me today and no one can take that away. No one and nothing despairing or dreadful. It is in my heart and my stars.

Will it last? Will I succeed? I can only pray that I do. Nothing more, nothing less.

Say a prayer for me too, my friends. Thanks.

I can close my eyes and dream. I can remember your kiss and relive the moments of just a day ago. I hear you voice whispering to me and feel your arms around my waist. I want more, I will never have enough of you. I dream of you when you are gone and wish that time would stand still when you are here. I feel you as if you were standing besides me right now. How I wish I could see you today, right this very minute. How I wish I could hear you breathing besides me and wake you so gently like days that have past. I want to dance with you in the supermarket, in the elevator, in the living room again. I want to be happy for more than just a few hours about you. I want to hold your hand and kiss you good morning.

I can close my eyes and dream.

Where are you, right now, my love? Where are you and what are you doing? Who are you with? I wonder did you think of me at all today? Do you know what I am thinking about right now? Do you have any idea how much I miss you this very instance? I will wait for you forever and longer, if that's what it takes. Do you know what you do to me even when you're not here? I imagine the phone ringing telling me you're outside my door, wanting to take me away. But, it will never be. How I miss your touch and your voice. How I long to hear you whisper my name and hold me until the sun comes up. How I wish that you would stay with me forever.

And writing these words, and reading them back, and realizing the truth about you and your "conditional" love. It all seems unfair. I never loved you like that. I never wanted you to love me so shortsightedly, either. I only wanted the whole story, not the abridged vesion.

I only wanted you.

It was a night of never-ending dreams, places I have never been before and people both familiar and foreign to me. Waking me over and over again, bringing me back and forth into myself and my unending nightmare. I am awake now, ready for the day and whatever it holds.

It is sad to wake up and feel like the rain outside is here just for me, that the clouds that hang so low in the sky seem to be foretelling my emotions for the day. Yet, there are no tears, no impending doom that the world will end. The time for that has come and gone and gone again. The visit here too short in length to actually matter and the quality not all that good. Adios mi amigo.

I will remember that I am only one woman with one heart and one world. I am no bigger than I make myself out to be. I can have the world I crave for myself if I let go of the world that no longer feels safe to me. Isolation is not in my plans for today. Life is, I have so much to do for the holiday that is just days away.

Sitting here, idly typing is also not in the make-up for my morning. For what am I really accomplishing here, nothing of any real satisfaction, just having another opportunity to feel bad about the inevitable. Sandy beaches creep into my sub-conscious and I throw them away as soon as they appear. I needn't let myself go down that road anymore, there are other paths to take.

I am not 100% just yet, but I am aware that the distance is shorter right now for me to get there than it has ever been in the past. So that is that, and I am still breathing and existing and capable of love. A love someone good will give me back.

The evening chill is inviting as I step outside to smoke and clear my head of the cobwebs the weekend brought with it. The street is quiet for so early in the night and the silence is deafening.

Nothing good came of Saturday and Sunday. No promises made and broken, but just the same, no promises made at all. Instead the bitter truth was finally spoken and the seeds planted less than two weeks ago have withered away.

There will be no more kisses and no more hugs. The only promise of him from now on will be a glimpse of him online and maybe an email from time to time. It was nothing to him, I was nothing to him. I was just another body to fill his down time and then toss away. My hoping was too much, even for me, and I am angry at myself for believing again. Will I ever learn or will I be forever hopeful of true love and romance?

So, it goes, my friends, I am now planning an adventure for myself. All I need is a keyboard and my sobriety. No interruptions to take me out of myself, just myself to keep in the here and now.

No tears this time, no time for tears. I will miss the sweetness of his kiss and the strength of his arms, but I will not fall from grace for not having him again. I am used to not having him, even when he was here. There is nothing new to be learned by me. Just the same old Roger, doing the same old thing.

So, the only other thing I have to decide is what will I write about now? I need time to decide.

Caio for now, my dearest Lover and my friends.

Saturday Morning and I feel like I'm high school. You know how it is. I passed a note to afriend about a guy I like and it it was passed to another friend, and so and son, etc.. (I actually emailed him yesterday's post)

I admit, I felt bad yesterday. I hate spending my time and energy in the great unknowns. I was doing fine and then he came calling and then he was gone and I'm left confused again. So what do I do now? The last thing he said was that he'd call me over the weekend and tell me if it was in his schedule to see me. ????????

You know, pretty much all of me wants to reconnect, but pretty much most of me knows the difference. Hell, 6 months is a long time to think about the pros and the cons of a relationship that went so wrong. It's not like I didn't waste that time not reflecting on everything. How would any other man think any other woman would react?

The saving grace of yesterday for me was I already had plans for last night and they worked out fine. Fresh flowers on my kitchen table and a new understanding of how to accomplish something new and creative are evidence of an evening well spent. But, alas the inevitable where is he, who is he with and what is he doing complicated my forward thinking and penetrated my heart.

He has only to be in the same room as me and I am intoxicated forever by his charms.

So, what does he expect me to do today? Wait for a phone call that I'm sure will never come and if it does be willing to run to him? I don't know. I think I'll have to think on this a bit more, make some phone calls myself and allow other more positive influences in my life take control of thoughts.

I would do almost anything for this man, but I want the same thing back.

Sigmond Freud was onto something. While I can't honestly quote anything he said with complete accuracy, I can get the gist of his intentions when I hear those Freudian slips coming out of my ex's mouth. He always had this habit of letting me know what he was up to without saying anything directly. My sister says it's part of his sickness. All I know is that after eight years of dealing with his "indirectness and innuendos" I pretty much know when and if he is pulling the wool over my eyes.

Case in point, last night at dinner. He did it again. Just like that, and with no basis or segue into the conversation, he casually dropped the information that a "friend" is coming in from out of town on an evening flight.

First of all, the only "friends" he has are female, usually old and fat and all too willing to do anything for him. Not high caliber, rarely seen twice and met by him online to fill his carnal desires and re-emphasize the fact that he still "has it". No one, by any means, to take home to mommy.

So , where exactly does that leave me, in my mind, when I am still trying to rationalize "us" and
any chance that I thought we did or didn't have in this lifetime of ever being together? I must admit, I am clueless. I believe it was in between the salad and the veal parmigiana that this bit of information "slipped" out. I gave no reaction, nothing. Not a jealous twinkle in my eyes, but that's from years of practice and probably also from being so ignorant(before now). But, I heard and I listened. There was no mention of a date or a time, although given this time of year I am sure it is soon and somehow has to do with the holidays.

I haven't even asked him about the holidays because I dare not. Why make myself sad over something I have no control over? Why bring myself to a place that will only lead me back into the dark?

So, I have learned, don't ask= don't know, don't know= don't cry, don't cry = don't drink.

Yet, he wanted to tell me. So I let him and he carefully pretended by saying he what he meant was his all time staple of an excuse, his brother. I never flinched, I simply let it go. There is nothing I can do about him not wanting to love me, nothing. I wished he looked at me and realized the good that is in me and not be so consumed with the fear of being ridiculed and chastised by his friends. I wish he could come to terms with the fact that I was never his enemy and only wanted to love him. Maybe I do love him too much, or did at one time, but in my own defense, the love I bestowed on him was highly worth it, the love that can make mere mortals jealous and turn women to stone. (Hey I like that) What I mean is what I have been saying all along, that I never loved any man like I have Roger, and it was honest and pure and all-giving. I was never selfish and always put him first. Forgiving him a thousand times and a thousand times loving him more.

I know he will never come back to me in the way I would want him too. He has carved too many crosses against me with everyone else in his life. Although he would never admit that to himself or anyone else. But, I am who I am and the hearts wants what the heart wants and I will have him right now, sweet kisses and beautiful eyes, until he drives to the airport and picks up his "friend", oh, I mean his "brother" of course.

And then there was today. He did it again. Saying he was going one place when he was going somewhere else. Telling me a half truth when the whole truth is what I needed to hear. I deserve that much. Remember, he blinked first. He opened the door for me. I can't play these childish games if I don't know the rules. And wouldn't it be up to me to decide if I even wanted to play in the first place? What are you doing Roger, huh? Why do you treat me with such wanton disregard?


Caio for now.

Ok, I have to admit the truth. It is the same. The past few days unfolded as they have for the past few years. I have no expectations of hearing from him again. I have no more desire to live that life that was too hard for me to bear and took so long for me to recover from. I know the difference between light and dark, and I choose the light.

Love is not supposed to be so hard to figure out. It is something to be embraced and enjoyed. I am not going to go down that road again. It is simply not worth it. I guess I do want the fairy tale. I am not a 'friend with benefits" like his other one. I am a woman who shared more, loved more, worked harder for "us" than any of his others and I will not settle for less.

He has been mia for a few days, and yes, I realize that I no longer have rights to his comings and goings, but we had tentative plans. A phone call would have been nice. I do not feel that would have been altogether asking too much.

Just like a drug, it seems, the simplest taste of the promise of him washed over me and had me craving for more. Well, considered me detoxed. If there are no rewards for the anxiety of just not knowing, then I will let it go. The cons outweigh the pros. I am better than this. I always was, I just didn't have the support of some very good and decent people to realize it on such a grandiose scale.

I guess the white beaches we spoke of will have to wait. Perhaps that was always supposed to be a dream with us. Never anything more than talk and hopeful thinking.

I will continue being honest with myself, I will miss him again. But, like I have stated before, I wouldn't want him this way, he is not the same and I have no more fight in me. I have to take care of myself. That's all I can do right now.

Say a prayer. Make a wish. Anything hopeful. Anything at all.

I wrote a lengthy, very well-worded post earlier this morning. I have been trying to be honest with myself and feel every emotion that washes over me. I want to know the what and meaning of each day right now, comparing them to my past. What feelings do I have now that I don't want, or embrace, or can't figure out. So I wrote a precise, right-on-point post, but I do not want to publish it just yet. Instead I think I'll keep it to myself and read it again. Sometimes going back over something allows a different perspective on things. I might have been angry about certain things that I am no longer angry at now. So I'll keep it for myself. Perhaps at a later time I will share it.

I am not sure how today will unfold. I have lingering doubts fluttering in my mind. I am trying to remain optimistic. I am hoping, as always, for the best.

I am daydreaming about traveling together and re-connecting with my former lover and best friend. I wish I were waking up next to him right now. I already miss him. I suppose I just have to wait and see.

There are other things to do that will keep my mind occupied and free of my thoughts of him. I have a life that I tried so hard to get back now, that I mustn't mess up in any way.

He cannot have more priority than anything else right now and I would be a fool to allow it at all.

I would love to walk in white sand with him along crystal blue waters holding his hand.

I would love to dress up for him like I used to and go to the best restaurants there are.
I would really love to go to the angel restaurant and order veal parmigian. I loved it when we would go there, it was always a very special place for me.

So I am here, in the moment, not knowing what to write it seems, sorry my friends. perhaps I will come back later and tell of my day.

Caio for now.

There are certain things I need to remember and certain things I need to forget.

I need to remember the warmth of my family and friends and the gratitude I know for each new day I have. I need to remember the pain and loss and ex-communication I had lived with daily over the last few months. I need to remember that so I won't re-live it, ever. So that I can appreciate the time I have right now, without a drink and without loneliness. That I, in fact, have a life that promises me more good and rewarding things and no longer centers on the negative.

I would like to say I need to forget about him, but I can't. But I do need to forget the possibilities of him. There aren't going to be any and it would not benefit me in any way to think otherwise. I cannot be true to myself if I live in a fantasy world. I have only the day in front of me. With him or without him, just as it is. In God's time, not mine. I can no longer hide under the covers because I am alone or sad. I need to be out with the people that know me the best. I need to feel the connection of light and meaning and forget the doubts and untruths that sometime interrupt my days. I need to forget the options of a world that is no longer mine and not mourn them anymore. I need to remember the options that are already upon me.

I feel like I was living in an alternate universe this past week. My real world outside with phone calls and meetings and cupcakes. Knowing what to say and how to act for the world I have enveloped myself in for help and guidance and support. But, I wasn't paying attention this week, even though I was there, physically, I was alone in my emotions and thoughts and my inner conflict. I didn't "share" what was happening to me for fear that I would be punished by taking such a huge risk and mostly because, I was happy and I did not want my happiness to be taken away from me at all. So, I went it alone this week, and I am not sure how I did. Good or bad?

I do not know what will happen an hour from now, let alone a week, but I do know that I need my friends to walk me through it. I don't have to be alone, ever. So it is.

I no longer have the patience or the energy to think on every word or action that was taken these last two days. Unlike in the past when I was consumed with self-doubt over anything that pertained to Roger and our time together being perfect , I realize now that I have better things to concentrate on. I no longer have the need to be so critical of myself and have come to understand that who I am is who I was meant to be.


I think I'll stop writing now, I need to rest some more. I just want to add one more thing. I had a nice time, I really did, not that I wouldn't of loved to have gone away with him, but for what it was this weekend it was worth staying home for. I only hope he feels the same way.

Caio for now.

Well, I'm here. He said yes to going away yesterday, but as the day grew longer and the rain became steadier, we opted for simpler activities closer to home. All at once familiar and unassuming, we settled into a well orchestrated Saturday afternoon. Manicures and cell phones, shopping and an early dinner, (which by the way was excellent!!!!)

It seemed as if not a day went by that interrupted our rhythm on knowing what to do, where to go or how to be. It feels good to have my real phone back, it felt good sleeping in a bed again, though I awoke early as usual and he is still snoring. The worst part of early morning in this, my old and once so comfortable home, is the multitude of thoughts running through my head.

Where is my stuff, I wonder? I gaze around and notice things missing and have to wonder, who did he give them to? Jewelery, wall mirrors that I bought at an antique fair and of course my first hand embroidered pillowcases that graced my fireplace daybed. I sit still in the living room, listening to him in his dream world and try not hate the fact I was homeless for so long and he was here with his minions of girlfriends and of, course, the ugly man.

And there are the new things. What did I miss this past summer? New furniture outside indicates large gatherings with tiki lights or perhaps more romantic summer nights as well. A hammock I would have wanted to love him in under the sun and stars, as we had before. The little subtle reminders of a season and a time not to be had again and what is was and how it went and why is he back again?

There is however something here that can simply not be dismissed or hidden or given away. My saving grace. It is the spirit of me, and it no longer belongs in the carefully placed adornments I decorated this home with. It is a live and viable emotion that emanates from every room. Before me there was a lifeless cold and unwelcoming presence that greeted you when you stepped inside. Now it is a warm hug from a friend that embraces you and makes this house a home. I did that and I will take full credit for it too. Because of me and my feelings for him, that were once so strong and viable, it is now filled with love.

I wonder though, if I did the right thing by being here, by being vulnerable. I was all consumed with doubts and fears and certain withdrawal symptoms after dinner on Wednesday. Waiting for that call that never came and hoping to reach the next level again. I know that I have opened my heart to raw emotion and wonder if I am able to stay strong and focused on myself when it is so damn easy to get lost in his arms and his overall presence. I guess there is no going backwards, there is only forward and today, like so many days before with the promise of a new start and a warm season, but also with the knowledge that promises here are always broken and the truth is
cold and plain to see. Will I survive the next- however- long and come out safe on the other side?

And even now, writing these words and knowing he will read them, will I scare him away with my doubts? Will he take my feelings and become afraid for me and run? Will he think on the faith that I bestow in him each and every time he comes to me or will he fall backwards out of fear and self-doubt?

I am at a crossroads again. Wanting him to react positively but nonetheless being honest with myself. I want him to remember who he is, what he has and that he is a gift. My gift. I don't want to scare him away, but I don't want him as before, I want that incredible man whom I fell in love with so many years and broken dreams before. I want my beautiful Roger.

And I will pray again today that I will have him.

Well, it's Saturday. Today's the day. I'm thinking about calling him up right now and asking him if he wants to go away for the next two days. I mean, why wait for tonight? I have no pressing engagements that I need to hang around for. I actually feel the need to go away and get lost in romance right now. Why not? I guess I will call him. What's the worst that can happen? It's not like I haven't heard the word no before, but, on the other hand, he might say yes.

Wish me luck.

It is a new day and a new beginning again and all my power lies within myself. Sleep was good and I feel well rested. My mind has already begun to play back the videos in my mind. Not necessarily a good thing.
It probably means nothing and I am not about to hit rewind any time soon.

Peace of mind is my only objective today. I have things I want to do and I can't accomplish any of them if I allow myself to get caught up in the drama of what is and isn't with Roger. It isn't worth my time or space.
Whatever will be will be.

Well, have to run.

Caio for now.

The truth is this. I was nervous and scared. I could feel the emotions wash over me the minute I sat in his car. As soon as he turned to me and said hello, I knew I was in trouble again. The presence of him was overwhelming. He is overwhelming. I felt so much peace and warmth. I hoped the evening would never end before it even began.

The first minutes were awkward, just as I had anticipated them to be. Two ex-lovers and two ex- best friends trying to see what could be said, what couldn't be said and what was left, if anything, to be salvaged. By the time we got to the restaurant, we both had drawn invisible lines around ourselves and the parameters of our conversations.
We secretly and silently decided in our own minds how to proceed into the night.

It was strange, watching this man I had loved for so very long and in every possible way sitting so close to me, candles burning, and not knowing how to be just me. I know he was speaking, but his words were drowned out by the beat of my heart and the song playing in my mind.
There were moments when I wanted to kiss him, to stroke his face and take hold of his hand, but I didn't dare. I just gazed at him, trying to put back the memories of why I had loved him so very much. Why this man, who is just a man, had such a total impact on my life.

I studied his face for anything new, a look in his eyes I didn't remember or know, a phrase that he never used before, a smile that told he had many secrets. There was really nothing different, just my beautiful Roger just as I had remembered him.

He spoke of his troubles and his work. He told me the outcome of his case and I told him the boring details of the pre-trial life of mine. Just a good to see you again, glad you are doing well dinner. I dared not ask him about his personal life and he didn't ask me about mine. I have no desire to know anything about his affairs regarding that at all.

There was really no talk about missing each other and neither one of us would start a conversation based on emotions ,probably for fear of the other's reaction, or lack of one for that matter. I know what I was afraid to hear, so I didn't ask. So it was just a let's see how this goes dinner.

I suppose that there was a time in the evening that we both felt relaxed and comfortable in each other's presence again. I know just hearing the sound of his voice was reassuring to me, seeing me look so well and at ease I imagine was reassuring to him. I am very glad I was so well composed. I am glad I wasn't that other person that I had become because of him, needy, desperate and frantic for his affection and thinking if I got it I could turn him into something I never was able to before. I was just me, and that was good enough.

It was nice and familiar and welcomed. Truth is, I did miss him. Alot. As you know from this blog I think about him everyday. But each day that passes the obsession grows less and my focus becomes more about me and less about him and I'm happy about that. I am happy that I no longer feel that he is the center of the universe and I can't be without him. I can be, with myself. I am happy that I can have dinner with him and not cry when he drops me off. I am in a better place emotionally.
Yet even though I feel like this, I still have my hopes and my dreams. It would have been nice to hear from him today, just a hi- you- looked-great- it -was -nice- to- see- you -again phone call. But, I guess that's not his way, I really don't remember. Or maybe he just doesn't want me to think he still harbors any feelings for me, if in fact he does. I just hope he had good news today. I really do wish him well still.

We used to have this thing that I loved to do after we went out to eat. He always opened doors for me, something I secretly adored and loved about him. Well, he would walk me around to my side of the car and open the door and I would put my arms around his waist and give him a big, sensual thank you for dinner kiss. Sometimes he would act like he was embarrassed, sometimes he wouldn't. I could tell we both were thinking about it last night, but the moment passed. How sad, as Ithink about it now.

Sometimes I think about passing time. I think about all the opportunities people have to do something fun, or nice or spontaneous and they never do. And time passes, and the moment is gone and you never get that time back. I think about that alot when I think about Roger. All the time that has passed that I didn't get to see him, hear his voice, kiss him, play with his ears. And the same for him with me. And I'm not just talking about the last few months, I'm talking about every time we were apart, or fought or took a moment for granted. I was too afraid of being rejected last night so I didn't pull him into me and kiss him, maybe I should have.

In any case, I was simply happy to be with him and to laugh with him and to see those beautiful blue eyes again looking at me.

When he took me home, I asked him if I could kiss him good night. He asked me why. I simply said that it was because one of the things I missed the most was that. It lasted for quite sometime. I hope I get to kiss him again soon. He really was the best time I ever had and time goes by so quickly.

Good night and sweet dreams.

Kudos for me, my friends. I just read what I posted last night, and just as I did while I was writing it, I literally laughed my ass off. That was one brilliant post, if I do say so myself. I mean, really folks, I have to continue this story, think I stumbled unto something worth pursuing for a while. I really thought it was that good.

In other things related to me, I finally finished that letter to the judge. Had to got o the library because were having serious printer problems over here, and let me tell you, it was just a letter but I had the worst stress-related headache I have ever had and I felt a hundred pounds heavier. I just collapsed on the couch and wanted to sleep, but of course the phone rang and rang and rang and then it was time to get ready and that was that. The good news is I slept last night till almost 9:30 this morning without once waking. Miraculous. Divine.

So that's that. Have to run, hope you all enjoy my story, would love to hear from you guys in France, Hawaii, Mid-west, and CA. Let me know if you want more. I'm really loving this blog. Did I mention to tell everyone this is my first time?

Caio for now.

I think I'll try something new this evening. I think instead of writing about me and my life, I'll just take this opportunity to write about someone else. I'm going to call her April. I always like that name. So, April was a very pretty woman with a great body and a sharp mind. ( sound familiar, hint, hint.)

Once upon a time April was desperately head over heels for a silly old guy who thought he was king of the world. She loved him so much she even teased him that she would iron his underwear for him just like his mommy used to do. She would do anything for the king. But, thinking he was too great to be with just one woman, he used April at his convenience and kept her at bay when he was "busy" with somebody else.

This used to hurt April alot. She was so sad at times that she couldn't even cry anymore. She would just lie down on the couch and wonder what was wrong with her and what she did wrong. Always blaming herself because the king wouldn't love her back and he would hurt over and over and over again.

Yet, it seemed everytime the king got hurt or wasn't feeling well he would call on April and she would run to the king and mend him back to health. She was certain that he would love her now, she prayed in her heart, but after a while he would tell her (if she was lucky) that he needed a break and disappear. And, just like every single time before, April would leave, with trembling hands and a broken heart and cry and be sad until the king needed her again. And so it went for years and years. April always willing to give it another shot, and the king always willing to take it. And sometimes it would last for a very long time and be wonderful.

But one day all this changed. The king met a young ugly gentleman with a lopsided eye and a very cold heart. He was scary, April knew from the beginning, and he tricked the king into thinking he needed him more than April, that he could mend the king back to health and make him better and he could be the king's friend and the king didn't need April anymore. Alas, the king did have strong feelings for April and he liked having this young beautiful sexy wonderful woman by his side, but the ugly man took control of the kings temptations and preyed on his weaknesses and convinced the king that he was better for him than April and that he could do better than her. So, one beautiful morning while April was asleep in the king's bed, he got up and told her he didn't want to love her anymore and she would be banished from their home forever.

Now, April was done. She had no more fight left in her. All the promises that the king had made to her were forgotten. All the plans they had talked about were now being made with this ugly man. Whatever the ugly man said, the king would do. April tried hard not to cry in front of the king and she left, she thought, with grace. But, alas, the pain was just too great, and the tears began to wash over her face like waterfalls and she broke down.

It took many months for April to get herself back together again. It was a long and hard journey for her to make but she was doing it. She never heard from the king, the king wouldn't give her belongings back to her. All the work and labor and beauty she so lovingly bestowed upon the king's home and garden was now to be shared with the ugly man and the wenches that the ugly man approved of. Never would he approve of April. And this bothered April more than when the king would leave her on his own accord. April saw right through the ugly man to his cold heart and his dark ulterior motives. The ugly man knew this, so that is why he had to make sure the king thought it was his idea to get rid of April. And, the king did. The king was so happy that the ugly man would do anything for him, that he never realized he could have ulterior motives. He made the king think all differently and compulsively. He feasted on the weaknesses of the king and thrived on the pain he caused April, until the ugly man decided that the time had come for him to finally have the king all to himself.

And that is when the king threw April out of the palace and onto the streets. And days turned into weeks and weeks into months and April went from sleeping in the kings bed to sleeping on the street and in people's chairs and basements.

And then she got up. She brushed herself off , cleaned herself up and stopped crying. April took very hard and determined steps to overcome her sadness and give herself a chance to enjoy life again. But it was not easy, and the pain and suffering she had to endure was something that would take a long time to forget. She had to learn to forgive herself for believing that the king would see through this ugly man's lies and deceit.
The ugly man even used his young children to help him make April feel bad and leave. But the king never said a word to the ugly man to stop hurting his loyal partner. He would just laugh and give the ugly man a nod of approval. And April saw it all and it was most humiliating for her, and she prayed that the king would stand up and be a man for her and all she did for him for so many years, but he never did. He never saw it. He let her go, for once and for all. Forever. She would never go back to the king if the ugly man was still there. He plied the king with promises of riches and wenches and fancy trips and nights at the bars. He was lost to April forever.

April wanted to kill the ugly man so much, but that, she knew, would make the king sad and she would never do that. But she did, she wanted to stab him and kick him and pull that lopsided eye right out of his hairy ugly face and throw it into the ground and stomp on it till it squished into a million little ugly peices. But, alas, she was a lady and she couldn't do such a thing. She even thought of paying someone else to do it, but she didn't have the money. She was pissed. Really , really pissed. But, that's another story.


So April cleaned herself up and got her life back and started to enjoy waking up in the morning and living life again. Without the king. Then one day, the king fell ill and he needed someone to help him feel good. Someone who he knew would take care of him and rub his tummy and play with his hair and make him better. Someone that would love him back to health. Did he call the ugly man? Hell no, that stupid guy wouldn't do that for him, and neither would any of those skanky wenches. No, he called April of course.

He told her of the horror he went through for two days sitting in the dungeon, in a 6x9 cell, eating bread and being humilated and April laughed and laughed and laughed. ( Two days, she thought, what the hell is that? I would have gladly stayed in the dungeon for two days after what I went through these last four months. Is he kidding me or what? He doesn't even know what a real prison is. Please.) And the more he told her of his ordeal, the more she laughed. It wasn't because she thought it was funny, it was because she never thought the king would get his payback. He probably wouldn't have lasted any longer than two days, anyway.

So the king wanted to take April home, so she could take care of him. So she can make him feel better and love him back to health and good spirits. But, she said no. Not, of course, before teasing the hell out of him and making him want more, but because she finally could. She had herself again, she had the light at the end of the tunnel and it wasn't the king anymore, it was her. Besides, the ugly man was still there, lurking in the shadows of the king's mind, and probably the bushes outside his bedroom window too.

And then after she got the king all hot and bothered, she spoke softly "You know, your highness, I will always be here for you, I will never go away" and you think that the king would have said something nice back to her, especially since he really wanted her back in his bed, but no, he was an idiot and he said "That's why I can't be with you April, your too smothering" What an ass! Come to think of it, April herself had to ask the king how she looked because he never even told her how beautiful and sexy and radiant she was.

April didn't cry this time. No, not a drop. Maybe the pain and the heartache and betrayal she had endured made her stronger and more self-confident and finally accepting of the fact that she was better than that and she deserved more. Alot more. And for once, for all the years she had known and loved and cared for the king and his children and his exes and his ugly, ugly friend who he would never dream of betraying, she was starting to love herself more and there were better places to go. But still, the only real fantasy she had was that the ugly man would die a really horrific death and the king would snap out of his twisted and demented way of thinking and realize that he's 19 years older than April, he's playing in the end zone of his life and he's a complete and utter jackass not to want someone so incredibly beautiful and brilliant and funny and sexy and ready to grant his every wish.

And so it was.


See you on Saturday Rog.

A rose is a rose is a rose. Sweet, fragrant, smooth and silky. That is me. That is how I feel right now, alive, sweet, blossoming with promise. All good things come to those who wait. How I pray that I have waited long enough. I feel the need to be rescued again, but unlike in the beginning, I also feel the need to be the rescuer. For him, always for him.

We spoke for over an hour last night and it was wonderful. The laughter, the emotions, the truth that I finally heard and not the bull that he is so used to throwing out at me. It was refreshing to hear him be so honest and be him and speak with him again. There was something so familiar about it all, but it also seemed new and alive with promise. The topics varied, the jokes were stale, the connection was real and long overdue for both of us. Somethings you can never dismiss. And as I have learned, some connections that just simply never leave you. Try as you might to wipe them away from your memory or your heart, they remain there, dormant and waiting, until the time that the sun will shine on them again and let them run free again.

So it was. I laughed again and it was great. Laughing in and of itself is a great way to heal, and to laugh, for me with him, was healing in his arms. The beginning, because everything needs a beginning, of something more, even if it is the beginning of the end, I still feel exceptionally lucky to have finally had that admission of truth. To , at last, know I was not imagining everything, that I was seeing the lies unfold in front of me, and it wasn't my fault. So, even if it were closure or the start of it, I can relax my mind for once and know that the hurt, maybe not intentional, was still acknowledged as purposefully inflicted on me. You see, roger doesn't want to hurt, at times he doesn't even know he does, but he does chose his actions consciously.

And I will be grateful for that. No one can ever know the impact of this one life on so many others, especially mine. And he will always be there. Some things are just not meant to end. Ever.

So just for today I will remain in a peaceful state of mind. I will close my eyes and say a prayer for him, my mom, my friends, my family and myself. Thanking whoever it is for hearing my prayers, and making them come true. I will focus on the positiveness of my life and not dwell in the past and the hurts. I will be the best person, for me, that I can be. And that's enough.

Maybe I don't need the whole fairy tale, the happy-ever-after, maybe I do. But one thing I am certain about right now, is that I do need to know and feel and touch the beauty of him. I need to know, right now, in this minute, that he is still here. And that alone, will make for a wonderful day.

Caio for now.

Good morning friends. Its looking beautiful outside. I have some news to share with you all. Yesterday , it seems, all my prayers and yours for me (thank you and keep it up) were answered.

I now have a re-confirmed faith that there is a man ( or woman) upstairs who is watching, and listening , and more importantly, hearing my prayers.

I was on line, of course, and received an im from you know who. Just like that, he blinked first.

It started out just like it was supposed to, how it would normally begin, two ex-lovers trying to put the right words on the screen, trying to see what was left after such destruction and despair, and perhaps guilt, by one of us, (hint, not me) and getting caught up in the awkardness of the moment. I could feel his strain from over here. I couldn't glance away , not for a moment, but I did stay focused and put an effort to consistently and consciously remind myself that he holds my heart in a much different way right now and it would take a million people to move a mountain for me to succumb so easily and allow myself to be hurt again severely. If alcohol doesn't kill me, he will. By the way, received a coin for last night in honor of my sobriety.

Yet, I was captivatied by every word he wrote. I didn't even have to close my eyes to see him there, at his desk, with his cigarettes and his belly. (I really loved his belly) Ok, I can be weird too sometimes. I admit it.

We spoke, wrote for almost an hour. I actually laughed out loud, very heartily and loud, at the misfortunes he seems to have befallen since that dreadful morning in May when he told me he didn't want to love me anymore. I'm wondering, is that a bad thing, to laugh at another's total misfortunes? It probably is, but perhaps in this particular case, God will forgive me. It truly was hilarious. And Roger always could tell a good story, one of those loveable gifts that he always had.

We did speak of what had happened and he did offer a lame version of an apology, here's a hint Roger, maybe you should say your sorry with flowers or jewelery(since I never did get to hold onto any you gave me) or even by offering me to come and get my stuff back now. It's just a thought.

He mentioned he reads my blog, or has, I didn't want to press him and I am not sure he has seen it since I moved it to here. Put in the pictures of us. Etc.

He did mention that he went to a wedding in LA, and I am wondering if he took that skank from Vegas with him. Probably did, I neither inquired or really want to know anything about that trip. I can only stay sober and take care of myself if I am out of certain loops.

I did bring up the reason why we parted and I feel the need to copy it verbatum, to remind myself and let you, my faithful readers, have your own insight into this egnima I call a gift.

HIM : very happy you doing so good ME after everything we had shared, I don't really know if you mean that HIM: i do HIM: u had to stand on your own 2 feet by yourself HIM: its called self confidence HIM : hope your drinking under control ME : I really do not know how to respond to you at this time, I remember everything, good and bad , I don't think I can go back there right now with you ok?ME: Tonight is coin night for me.HIM : ? ME: make a month, get a coin, make 2, get a coin, etc.HIM :ok good ME:Did you ever read my blog?HIM: never look back look ahead life will be wonderful for you againHIM:yes i did ME : when?HIM: off and on ME:life will never be as wonderful for me because you are no longer a part of it for me ME : you never knew how much I cared for you, what you really meant to me HIM :sorry about thatME : sorry about what exactly?HIM: but we both at times where just not good for each other HIM :both had issues ME:we stopped being good for each other when you started loving dan more than me. Simple as that, before that it was just you and me against the world. We would fight but we would heal, usually in eachother's arms, and then we were ok again, I still feel like an incomplete person at times, I wasn't done loving you yet HIM: dan was just a friend ME : dan was your whole life and I turned into the third wheel and that's just what dan wanted and you were either too naive to see it or wanted him more, I'm betting on the latter.HIM : ok as u wish ME right, what's the point, there is no healing that is going to happen anymore is it, so really what's the point, getting mistied eyed over here too, and I sure as hell don't want to cry over you anymore.

Nothing really accomplished, as I re-read the words, and now he is in that stupid chat room I love older men again.

I meant what I said about being incomplete at times, and I really hate it when he tells me I will have a wonderful life and I really really HATE it that he said he left me homeless and vulnerable to a relapse because I needed to gain self-confidence. How convenient for him to dismiss his own desires of that time only to put them on me as my shortcomings. I was very happy at that time, sure would have liked to have made love more, alot more actually, but he was busy planting his seeds with dan for the summer. If he only knew the real horrors of the summer, (what am I saying he probably wouldn't even care.) Hey Parkuntil____ meet anyone in that chat room yet?

So that's it folks, an hour of conversation and I was delighted, but I am here, in the moment, and my moment right now is positive and hopeful and promising, not burdened with the shoulda's, woulda's, coulda's any longer. And for that small miracle to happen in my life right now is plenty for me to be grateful for.

Sometimes, when I think of Roger and all he meant to me and how much I truly loved him, (ok, still do at times) I hear this one particular song in my mind from the musical Jesus Christ Superstar, "He's just a man" so for all the many times in my heart and in my mind and in my life that I put him on a pedestal and think he is amazing, (which he is at times, only not consistently, sad enough) I have to remember he is just a man and only I have the power to create the truth or distort that image in my
mind.

Today's thought for the day from my 24 hour book:

AS you look back over the your life, it is not dificult to believe that what you went through was for a purpose, to prepare you for some valuable work in life. Everything in your life may well have been planned by God to make you of some use in this world. Each person's life is like the pattern of a mosaic, and each tiny stone fits into the perfect pattern of the mosaic of your life, which has been designed by God.

Caoi for now.

Good Morning World!!!

Had a great sleep last night, feel very refreshed. Ready to go this morning. What a day yesterday, full of surprises, both good and bad. But, that was then and this is now.

Waiting eagerly to do that follow-up that i wrote about yesterday, perhaps tomorrow, perhaps late tonight. We'll just have to wait and see.

Time is not my enemy, time is more my friend,
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel,
as the darkness nears an end.
An eclipse has come, and now is gone,
the sun is shining bright.
The night has passed, I'm free at last
and gone with it, the fight.
I'm free again, and feeling peace
I can almost touch the sky,
I feel like I could dance upon the waves
and kiss all the clouds good-bye.

Ok, just had to keep the creative juices flowing. Haven't written poetry in
a few weeks.

The sun is shining over here and I have a big day in store. Today, tonight and whatever falls in between. I am feeling like new. Tonight should be warm and comfortable. I'm not talking weather over here, I'm talking life.

Okay, have to run for now, have a great day.

Caio for now.

Wow, what a day!

First things first, that open letter to a former friend was instantly followed by a very nasty email.

It seems when you tell the truth and the offending party doesn't like to be reminded of it, it hurts.

Second, if you pray hard enough for something to happen, it does. But I really can't get into that right now, suffice it to say, there will be a follow-up, I'm sure.

I'm exhausted. I am actually considering getting into my pajamas right now and calling it a night. Steak is cooking, salad is made, maybe another hour or so and then I'm crawling under the covers, reading my newspapers, doing the NY Times crossword and watching cold case. You know, maybe I'll watch a movie on dvd tonight, Have so many and never used the player before. Hey why not. God knows I have my"movie theatre candy counter" ready to go. Everything you can get at a movie theatre, right down to soft pretzels. I have to say I'm all set for movie night at home, would love to go to the real thing though. Hint.

Just finished the best shell steak. Mmmmm. So happy still I don't have to go anywhere this evening. Just me and my stuff.

Found out that statcounter isn't showing me all my stuff yet. Why, I wonder, is New York empty on my map? I now know, as of today, that I do have readers in New York. Guess I'll have to inquire about that some more.

Well, it's that time of night folks. I'm going to go get some rest, and do some reading. Might come back later, you never know.

Caio for now. Keep praying.

Good morning to the rest of my morning and the rest of my life.

I am happy to report I have no recollection of any dreams I may or may not have had last night. I am starting today with a fresh attitude and clean slate. Granted though, it is Sunday and this day, as you know, is full of sweet memories and they seem to always come back to me stronger than some of the others. I am saddened by the past and yet I know I have to look to the future to make things right again...for me.

Again, as I did on Friday, I will be leaving this blog at an early hour, so that I may not get too worn down emotionally by staying online all day. I will go outside and meet some friends, then to church .

I am getting tired too quickly too frequently again. I have been trying to find a doctor closer to me, my oncologist said I should be checked every week now and if the reports show a consistent and unfaltering climb, I need to go back to him. He was visibly upset when he asked me where Roger was and I had to tell him. Nice man, that doctor. So I have been trying, like I said, to find a doctor nearer to my home. I have to have all my blood tests redone and re-documented. I have put this off for a little too long. Although, when I was in the hospital last month, there was an
immediate spike in my white blood cell count that had the doctors concerned. They couldn't seem to understand how a person of my height and weight could get such a high cbc and then have it dramatically reduce by about 30,000 in one afternoon. I guess I shouldn't be so remiss with my health. It seems counter-productive to what I am trying to do with other areas of my life.

Emotionally I guess I went over my limit this morning with the first post. But it had to be done. I miss Roger. That's all I really know right now. Yet, last night as I was sitting in a room full of friends and strangers I could not help but put the focus on some negative memories I had forgotten about. I was really quite saddened by it. The sudden out of the blue hit-you-on -the-backside-of your-head-thing and then the realization that time is passing so quickly and for each day that goes by, the reality is that he isn't coming back to me sets in. But, I remembered and I felt the pain of that particular moment and I hurt. I still have to remind myself to breathe when it does happen.

It is all too fresh in my mind still. Sobriety will do that for you. There is no escaping the pain anymore. There is only working through it. No matter how many tears, how many bad dreams, how many sleepless nights. No matter how many posts. I simply have to deal with the realities of my life. All of them. Especially Roger. How I wish I could wake him this morning the way I used to, with the smell of fresh coffee and cinammon apple bread baking in the background. With the promise of the sun shining on my beautiful flowers in the backyard. Yesterday it rained and all I could think of was how perfect it would be to be reading on my daybed in front of the fireplace, just having a "rosie" day where I felt I belonged. But I don't belong there anymore, I never will. I only belong now where I am for the moment. No where else.

One more thing I need to remind myself of to get me through this day: No one has power over me unless I give it to them. No one. And I am not giving it to anyone. No one. Ever.

An open letter to a former friend.

Dear B.B. I am sorry that you feel so slighted by me. It is not without careful thought and consideration that I chose to place you in a far away place in my heart and my mind. You gave me just cause.

I thought you were my friend. You weren't. When I was at my weakest point this summer, you took advantage of me and hurt me, in ways that I am sure you don't even fully recognize. It seems you have forgotten about what you did, what you made me do and what you promised me in return. How nice for you to live in such bliss that you are right and I am wrong. How convenient for you to be playing the victim while not even remembering the complete and utter failure of my life when you took of advantage of me in the worst way you could. You are not my friend, you are not the victim and you are wrong.

You insulted me with a barage of emails calling me names and being disgusting, that you suddenly took back, you threatened me and then took back the proof that I would need to prove my side of the story. You harassed my eldery mother because you thought you would gain the sympathy vote. Leave her alone.

It is neither my fault or my responsiblity that you are where you are in life today. I am only accountable for my actions. I did not have anything to do with your lot in life and it seems you should realize that. You need to be responsible for your own actions and the choices you made, over the summer and now.

Further, it was with the complete understanding that at the conclusion of my court case, and only then, that I was responsible to our agreement, nothing was ever said about anything else. EVER. But, that agreement, like our friendship, is all in the past now, isn't it?


You ask me why I don't care about you? You didn't care about me at all then, when I needed a friend the most. You just thought of yourself and what you needed at that moment. And you got it, didn't you? How convenient for you now that you think I am doing so well that you have forgotten your own words and actions.

Point of fact, I am not doing well, I am surviving. I am taking each day one hour at time, just to stay sober and live in the present. I am accountable only to myself and my actions. It seems it is a much more calmer place to be mentally, than to have to take on someonelse's shortcomings that have nothing to do with me in the first place.

So, with a very clear conscious, and with the only regret I have of just trusting you, I am imploring you to leave me alone for now. I am asking that you stop this fantasy you have of me dancing on tables and flying off to exoctic countries in your mind. You are sabotaging your own life. You are playing games in your mind with yourself that are simply not true.

You know what you need to do to make yourself a better man and person, why don'y you finally do it? Why do you think it is always someonelse's responsibility to get you out of your own way? I am tired of you playing the victim, you and I both know the truth. Please leave my mother and me alone.

Yes, I went to the party. It was actually very nice. Dancing, food, raffles. Guess who won the biggest jackpot of the evening? ME!!! I have to say it was quite a suprise. So for all the shopping I did yesterday, everything was free!

One of my girlfriends suggested I buy a flat screen tv, don't need one yet, Another said I should go on trip. Not yet, still don't want to go away without him. Would love to go to Puerto Rico with him. He's online now, don't know where though, probably under his alias on yahoo. Or perhaps playing poker, or perhaps using his new video thing to do god knows what with god knows who. I really wish he knew about this blog.

Why is it that women on the internet are so sleazy that they meet men on here for just sex? Doesn't anyone have any morals or ethics anymore? Not to say that the men who troll them are upstanding citizens, far from it. I speak from experience.

Also, in case anyone cares, I did not sneak away early last night, I did not drink. I danced, cried a little in the beginning, wondering where he was, with who, etc. Who did he meet online the other day when he was online for for hours in that I love older men chat room? But, I got over it, I had a nice time. I won money. Maybe it ws an omen, maybe I should go to Atlantic City monday. I think I just might. First though, I should probably buy some lottery tickets for tonight.

I still want to calll him and ask him what's new, ask him if he has any plans this evenings. We used to go dancing alot, We danced while we cleaned the apartment, we danced in grocery stores, we even danced in hospitals, in the elevator!!! We danced on the streets of Manhattan, oh that reminds, I wanted to go to Manhattan tonight, well it's raining, maybe I'll go to brunch there tomorrow. Now that sounds like a do-able plan. Hey, you never know.

It just isn't any fun without sharing it with anyone. Especially him. He affected me in so many ways, That when I do meet new men, I tend to do that comparison thing, that's unfair to me and to the other guy more.

Ii wish and pray in my heart that he would just call me. Once.

Well, have four visiting rugrats here with me right now, making a huge pasta dinner, spaghetti, meatballs, sausage, the works. Have to go play.

As always, please say a prayer for me and wish me well.

Caio for now.

Ok, ok, ok. It's happening. I've gone through this so many times before, but I was never more frightened of my reaction than now.

I want to call him. I want to hear his voice. But if I do and he rejects me, like I am so positive he will, how will I react? I can't drink over him or anything else anymore, I just can't.

Why the hell doesn't he just call me. I have already forgiven him a thousand times, doesn't he know that? Where is he, who is he with and what is he doing? What???? I feel like crying.

I don't feel like going to this party and putting a happy mask on, that's for sure. I feel like running away. I feel like crawling into a bottle of vodka right now. And for what? For him? He is so not worth it. But I feel the desire to escape my feelings is so strong right now. What am I going to do?

I guess I'll go to this party and maybe I'll leave on my own, Getting tired of my many escorts anyway. I need sometime away by myself.

Somebody say a prayer for me, I need it.

Thanks.

Good morning world.

Well yesterday brought no results for me as far as posting is concerned. I did , however, manage to have a great twenty-four hours, including a much needed nap and lots of sweets.

My heart is still a little heavy this morning, but I have made a conscious decision to occupy my time this morning with other things, and not this blog. Seems being online so much, I can see him and he is taking my spirit away even though he is not here.

He was in his trolling mode yesterday in and out of chat rooms all day. ALL day. Guess he has nothing better to fill his time with or he's pulling the sheet over someone else's eyes. I bet for the former. He can't be alone, not for very long anyway. He is no good at it. I, on the other hand, are pretty used to it from a lifetime of experience. I might go into the city tomorrow and just see what I am missing. I might also go to Atlantic City on Monday with some friends. We'll see. Maybe that will curb my desire to wanting to take a trip.

So, I have made a schedule for myself today, I have to leave soon too. I am sorry I have no readers from New York. I check my stat counter religiously, and alas, nothing. Oh well, I tried for a very long time to see if there is any way to link my web to my buddylist name in AOL, you know, like if you had a webcam and the buddy list shows a pic of a camera, , but I can not find any way to do this, or any help or assistance.

I have been reading other people's blogs and find them most humorous.
I really am enjoying this new location, sans the fact that my friends are not reading this.

I am feeling better today than yesterday. I just wish I could sleep more. I also wish I didn't have to work so hard at staying positive, that it could just be a feeling that is easily attainable and not something to make a decision over. In time, let's pray. There's a party tonight and I think I'll go.
Just don't know what I'll wear yet.

Still have lots to do on the homefront. Never made it to the library yesterday and time is running out.

Let's see, what else can I fill everyone in on? No bad dreams last night, just some weird ones. But nothing to upset me with, thank God.

Guess I'm running out of things right now, have to go get dressed anyway.

Caio for now.

Good Morning Friends.

Dreams, dreams and more dreams. Actually nightmares to me. Spending way too much time on this blog site, or is it because I bashed him so badly yesterday that guilt is seeping into my unconscious. I really was never any good at being mean on purpose. I always hated confrontations of any kind. I'm truly not built that way.

I wrote the judge the letter yesterday, only to find out my printer is not working, so I guess I'll be going to the library today. Have to mail and include an article from the New York Post, that I can't seem to find in my two suitcases of pre-trial paperwork I have. As long as it is already written, that alone is alot of stress off my shoulders at this time.

Really planted a seed about going away in my head by writing about it. I can alsmost smell the water and feel the sand between my toes. Really wish I could run and hide right now. Well, maybe not hide, but just get out of here for a week or so. Get a tan, a massage, some casino action perhaps? Just athought, and that's real dream.

Well, he's on line again, don't know for how long, went on a coffee break , just got back. He seems to stay under that one particular name alot these days, maybe he's in yahoo chat rooms under his alias. The man has alot of aliases, that's for sure.

What I wouldn't give to just hear his voice right now. Got that statcounter and no one from New York has been reading my blog. That's where I am. Long Island, to be exact.

Oh well, guess he doesn't know, kinda wished he did. Kinda wish alot of things right now. Doesn't make them real or about to come true. Just makes them wishes.

The more intense I am about where he is and what he is doing, I wonder, is he talking to anyone, is anyone there with him, etc. Maybe, instead of going away I should get hypnotised, like when they stop you from smoking, and only I can stop thinking about him. Does that make sense to anyone? Actually I should just take him off my damn buddy list and leave him off, but I'm really not sure if I want to let that last little connection go just yet.

Ok, I'll be back.

Okay, the world is still turning this morning. Our country is headed in a brand new direction and change is definitely in the air. So where does that leave me? I'm still here, tired and losing hope. I want so much more in this lifetime. I want to laugh and love and be happy. I want to dress up again and go dancing. I want to wake up in the morning and embrace the day a moment at a time, not a day at a time. I want money, and lots of it. (Thought I'd throw that in for good measure!!! Are you listening Social Security???? Let's get with the program, shall we?)

All my horoscopes today say I'm destined for travel. Yeah, right. Not that I don't want to, I am and always will be forever romanticized by airports and foreign destinations. I would leave in a heartbeat, trouble is, for all the years I traveled alone, when I was with Roger it was so much better, I would like to travel with him again.

This is getting pathetic, I mean, look at me. I posted some photos yesterday, I look good, right? Any man would be happy to hang out with me, right? I don't need him, do I? So then why is it that I can't even comprehend going somewhere without him? It's certainly not like he gives a s_ _ _. After he went with Dan to Vegas, he met some bimbo there who he took to Disney world. Came home and told me all about it, but only he substituted his brother for the skank. What am I stupid?

Now whenever I see an ad on tv for Florida, (or Vegas for that matter) I start to cringe and feel sick. Took my love of the show CSI and killed it in an instant. Thanks, Rog. Something else I have to remember you by.

You know I was talking to a friend yesterday and they told me to concentrate on remembering the negative memories and not romanticizing the positive. Good advice, if I can keep it in check.

Please God, take this away from me. If I want to go away someday, I can go by myself, I've done it before, I can do it again. It's not really that hard to do. Yet, in my hearts of hearts, I know it would never be the same. And that, my friends, is what is holding me back from living life to it's fullest right now. And I hate that. I hate that alot. I hate that I even put any validation into these feelings, but, like so many tell me, I have to go through these feelings to get to the other side.

Why is it always so easy for men to get over love than it is for women? Is it something in their genes or is it because they're just selfish bastards who are only out for themselves and no one else?

How I hate that there is someone, or if you really knew Roger, a dozen someones having sex with him on my bedding!! Drinking out of my coffee cups, eating off my dinnerware. Enjoying my garden and creativity. And him taking the credit for it all. And how, I still wish it were me. What the hell is wrong with me. Why would I even want this dog back at all? I must be nuts, but, like I said before, the heart wants what the heart wants. And until my heart stops beating or veers off in another direction, cupid's arrow still points to him. Wonder why God likes to torment me so?

They can have him, he probably has a list of stds by now.

All the lies, all the cheating, all the bull, I deserve better and he deserves nothing.

Did I fail to mention that he owes my mother money too. Oh yeah, seems he got too far over his head in his gambling. What did she do to him that allows him to forsake her?

You know the seven steps of grief or mourning? Seems I never got to anger, maybe this is the start. Hell, I've been in denial for so long now, it seems kind of hard to give up and move on. But, maybe that's what I have to do. Yeah, like this will last long. Not.

Oh Roger, Roger, Roger, what have you done to yourself in your lifetime. You will not be here for long, you are an old man. Do you actually think that if you have sex with everyone you meet you will live longer? Could you really be that stupid? Yes, I suppose you could. So sad, Roger, really. I actually feel bad for you in so many ways, but I do try consciously not to, too much extra work for me to do that.

Did you go to court yet on your fourth DWI yet? Ever get around to telling your kids about that one? Are yoou going to jail, Roger, or is your big rich brother in Texas going to bail you out of this as well? Just like he always bails you out? I wonder, I know the answer, of couse he will.

All right, class, enough Roger bashing for one day. I should really save some stuff for tomorrow, the list is so long. What memories start springing back into my mind when I start remembering all the bad things he has done to me. Only thing I was ever guilty of was loving him too much and not choosing to stay sober whenever he broke my heart, which, as you know, he did over and over again. And over and over again, by me reacting to it by drinking, I gave him the justification to lie about everything to his family and friends. How I cringe to think that they all think it was because of my drinking that wwe broke up, not that he threw me, left me homeless and heartbroken and only after that did I pick up. No, he's so good at lying, he probably believes his own bull himself.

OK, will probably come back later to visit and see if my statcounter works. Have a good everyone, my friend.

Caio for now.

Back to reality, so much to do today. Vote, write that letter to the judge, live, laugh and breathe. It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day. Good for me.

Caio for now.

Well, he was there, on my buddy list again. It lasted only a few brief moments, and then he was gone. I wonder if he even knows what I write or that I write at all. Does he even care? I would have to guess he doesn't. Too much time has already passed for him. He probably has a new life right now, complete with love and laughter, as I still find myself ensconced in sadness and loneliness. Be well, my friend, I will be always be here for you. Always.

I am still in love with you. You were my best friend for so long that I have only a sadness in my heart for you and me. I miss you so much at times, I find myself losing track of me. Why do youo hate me so much? Why did you let everyone come between us? Why did you let me go, and was it worth it? Are you in love now? Are you happy? My mind races with pictures of you and scenerios play out like short video clips in my head. I need to see you, to see for myself that I am dead to you forever. That I am no longer loved by you even in the littlest bit of your heart. My whole body aches for you, physically, mentally, spiritually. You completed me in so many ways, the same way I completed you. You can't deny it, because you know it is true. I am right here, you know, waiting for you to love me again, what's taking so long my beautiful lover?

Sometimes it feels like lifetime ago, the love , the laughter, the friendship. And then sometimes it feels like minutes ago. I have to catch myself, I have to remind myself to breathe. The pain is still fresh and new, the scars seem not to have healed, the yearning is forever present. I am lost, and all alone.

Yet, I am not alone. But there will never be anyone to replace to him. There will forever be hole in my heart and an emptiness in my soul.

The memories are with me forever, and I welcome them. I want to go back to Paris, tonight, this minute, right now. I want to go back to the beach in Port Carmague, and the Victor Hugo Plaza for really great italian food. I want to laugh with him again, and feel his arms around me, I want to know him one more time and make it last for a lifetime.

I pray everyday for him and I will never stop. Praying, hoping, loving.

Oh yeah, I want my stuff back too.