Today is Saturday, May 30. I bring this to your attention for only one reason. This marks one year for the last good day I ever really had. The last time I smiled, and greeted the sun and the gardens and my heart. The last day I slept in a bed. The last day I would be happy. The last day I would ever feel the love back.

Happy Anniversary to me.

Yesterday I walked the city streets and felt peaceful. I gazed upon buildings that I have never seen before and the great architecture that they were created with. I found myself downtown, first on Center Street, then on Church and finally on Canal. The street vendors, the hustle and bustle, and yes, the gangs on every corner. So there I was, just me, checking out New York City and enjoying the freedom of being alone and being able to make my own way, with no one's guidance or influence. More comfortable than I have been for awhile.

I met some very interesting people along the way. People warm-hearted and kind and very friendly. New York City certainly gets a bad rep for no good reason. It was literally exhilarating.In fact, the headache that I left the office with was suddenly of no consequence to me anymore. The sights, the sounds, the smells, they all seemed to invade my senses and carry me away to a calmer, more tranquil place. I was without fear or worry as my steps took me further away from the realities that had gripped my world for so long. I had a blast. Even the train ride home made me do something I had never done before, sleep. Dreamless sleep on a train. New one for me, never fell asleep on a train. It actually felt good, but I did miss my stop. Nothing too drastic. But, now it is today.

Back to the grindstone and the slow wheels of progress. Standing still, but still standing.

Well that's all I have for now. have a nice day.

Sometimes, I can hear the wind whispering my name.
Soft and gentle, calling to me.
Tomorrow is here and yesterday is a blur of heartache and lessons learned.
The wind lifts me up and carries me to the shore,
birds fly and waters glisten and there is finally the promise
of good things to come, tranquility and peace after a lifetime of turmoil and wrath.

Sometimes, I can hear the wind whispering my name,
and I want to fly away. Forever.

My dear heart:

As I gather myself together this morning and shake off the dreams of last night, I am thinking about how to be happy again. This past week has brought to me new friends and new perspectives and new opportunities. I just need to breathe deep and take the plunge into tomorrow for once and for all. The warmth of the sun on my skin yesterday revitalized my spirit and I found myself happy not to be alone while I was enjoying it. (Although, I do wish someone had informed me how red I was becoming.) Today promises to be just as nice and hopefully I will be laughing again by dusk.

There were times yesterday that my mind went towards the past but I didn't allow myself to linger there for too long. I am quite proud of myself for that, in itself. I am ready to let go now and hope the water is just as warm as the sun when I finally dive in.

I have four new suitors calling me now almost daily, in fact, and I have begun to allot my time accordingly. I have been busy tieing up loose ends in all my affairs and look forward to putting away the demons of my past forever.

Holidays used to unnerve me, for the fact that I was always abandoned whenever they grew near, but now I have plans and commitments and the tv will thankfully be off. Let someone else watch reruns this weekend, I have a brand new life to lead.

So, my dear heart, I am finally healing and I am finally living and I want to thank you for letting me go.

Today the sun is bright and light and promises to fill the earth with warmth. I have the need to be outside and bask in as much of it as I can. I think I'll pack a light lunch and go to the beach with my Sunday NY Times crossword and just veg out on the sand for as long as I can. I want to erase all of the yesterdays from my mind and for just a short time today pretend that everything is right with the world. I think I can do that. I know that I can do that.

I saw his car at the diner last night, Hungarian goulash night. Sometimes, it seems to me, that routines are never really changed that much. His or mine. I took a little comfort in that. It's just that at this time of year I think back on the flowers and the garden and the sheer pleasure of planting and living and loving with him.

Also, today is a month that I am into a new birthday. As usual, there were no balloons or festivities for me, something I have surprisingly gotten quite acceptable of. Sad, really, but nonetheless, accepting of. It is amazing what one can become accustomed to, the lack of or the more of whatever it is.

Yet, I don't want to spend even one minute today on being sad or relegated to the past. Today is a beautiful spring day and I want to enjoy it as much as I can. That's all I have planned, nothing more. I'd even say that I deserve it.

So, please excuse me while I go find a bikini to slip on and I hope that everyone has real nice day too.

Ciao.

Sometimes I just log onto my webpage and gaze at the photographs I posted here. I look amazingly beautiful, don't you think? Well, actually, I don't care what you think, I know I look great. (Just kidding) And as I stare at them I begin to wonder where I went. Who was that woman that seemed so happy and what happened that made her change so drastically and in such a short amount of time.

Truth is, I was happy and felt complete. I look at the second one, I remember that entire day. He took me to have my hair done, he went and got me a bowl of fruit and fed me while I had dye on my hair. We went back to my apartment and made love, then we puttered around and he tinkered with a new TV stand. We hung out with the girls that lived upstairs and made plans for the evening. Dinner and dancing at the City Cafe in Garden City. I loved to go dancing with him. It was one of the best things that we did together. Sometimes we would dance in the supermarket, in elevators, in the living room and backyard. I was quite literally walking on air whenever he held me in his arms and danced. I always felt like the most fortunate woman on the face of the earth that he was with me. I sometimes get so scared that I will never have that feeling again. And, even if I do, it will never be the same. No one, to this day, can understand the magnitude of that statement, so I gave up trying to explain a long time ago.

And yet, I digress. So I look at these photos and I remember the emotions and the bliss and the sheer joy of living and being and I wonder where did I go. Will I ever come back?

Today I notice I haven't been photographed in a really long time. I haven't had a reason to dress up and celebrate Saturday night. I haven't danced. When someone else forces you to look into your past and then dissects it like a frog in biology, you can't help but ponder all the reasons that define you as a person and all the sentiments that make you that way. I have been so hard on myself for so long, I literally willed myself away from life and living and love. I consumed myself in sadness and pain and depression and anger. It has gotten me nowhere at an alarmingly fast pace. Yet, I'm still here, life is still here and love is right outside my door. I want to be that woman again so badly, I want to wear that smile in my heart once more.

Yes, I still wonder where he is, what he is doing, if he is okay. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and sometimes I still cry. He won't answer the phone when I call him anymore and yes, I do reach out and want to hear his voice, but he is gone it seems and loving and living and dancing with somebody else. I only get angry about this, because he would always take calls from that bitch in heat that lives in Commack when I was with him and for some unknown reason he won't take a call from me. Do I scare him? Does he feel guilt for the things that he did to me or does he actually think that I am an evil person and he is happy to have nothing to do with me anymore? I sometimes feel like I need answers to these questions and I haven't gotten any, sometimes I feel like I never will. But I always feel like I deserve them. After all, I am still here and I am worthy and I can be that beautiful, self-assured woman smiling in those photographs again. I am. He walked away from me and I want to know why. Dammit, I deserve to know why.

So all this comes from the past few days and the trepidation of things to come. I hate not knowing and having to face this alone again. I hate that he was never there for me during any of this, not once. I hate is a very strong statement, yet I do. But I do not hate him, just the choices that he made. I hate that he left me alone and stopped loving me without letting me know. I hate not dancing anymore.

The rain is still falling and the measure of apprehension I am learning to deal with in my daily life seems to be building as well. I am here and okay for the moment. I still have my dreams, more like nightmares, that invade my waking life and seem all too real.

Just like forever, everything seems to be moving in slow motion these days. My thoughts are only in the future and yet, seem permanently grounded in the past at the same time. I can not help but wonder if I will be nearing an end soon or will be stuck in this so-called-life for an eternity.

I am alright with the aloneness right now, especially in light of the current situation I am forced to deal with,( only because I have been dealing with it alone since it's inception), but I am staving off a paralyzing fear that I need that very certain support now, more than ever, and will fail if I do not have it.

Yes, I feel pangs of jealousy sweep over me at times and that feeling of being used and thrown away doesn't exactly help to build any kind of great self-esteem, but I am forced to face it head on. I have no other choice. The feelings of inadequacies of being me are starting to cloud my vision of all the good things I have accomplished in my life and in the last four years alone. I wish and will them away for good. And yes, I still feel anger, some moments more than I care to, and am starting to rationalize that I was the stupid one during all of this and am starting to turn the anger towards myself. I just want some kind of resolution and complete disconnect from this horrific nightmare that has been my life for so long. Will, I wonder, get it by the end of this week? Or, will I have to endure it longer? Perhaps, it is just that Friday was so painful when I had to relive the past so vividly and in every little detail. Not just for the purposes of what brought to me this place, but for every personal issue as well. Maybe, I had really tried to shut the door on all my painful memories and then was forced to pry it open once more. Maybe that's all it is, and I shouldn't dwell on yesterday because there's nothing I can do about it any longer. And with that last statement, I am lead back into that feeling of helplessness I feel about everything in my life all at once. I have no control of anything in my life at all right now. It's not fair and it stinks. No one, it seems, is giving me a chance to be myself at all. I am fighting to stay alive and afloat by myself and that struggle is sometimes too hard for me to keep going. And yet I do. Why is that? What exactly is the light at the end of the tunnel for me? I was so certain it involved him for so long that I lost track of myself along the way and now I am at a great precipice that only seems to grow larger and darker and more uncertain. I want out of this game but am forced to stay in and play the hand that I was dealt, but for what? What exactly will I win? And, of course, that's if I win at all.

Okay, so that's where I am at this Sunday. Pretty in depth and insightful. Doesn't add up to a hill of beans though. My words, there just words, nothing more. I need to feel reconnected to something not me. Something greater than me, a purpose to keep this uphill battle meaningful. A declaration of some kind that validates I am a human being and worthy of the air I breathe. I would love to get that from that past, but the truth is I already know it lies in the future. From where I couldn't tell you, in what timeline is not mine to know.

I just hope it happens soon.

Ciao, my friends.

Although the day is grey with fog and rain outside, I am still holding on to hope. Yesterday's brilliant sun didn't touch my face as I was engrossed with legalities and preparations for an upcoming trial. When I came home from the city I was so mentally exhausted I slept until this morning. Sometimes I feel I am swimming upstream and never reaching shore. I called him last night before the bliss of dreamless sleep took over and of course he didn't answer. I left a message to tell him what I had accomplished on my own. I sounded pathetic. Why won't he even talk to me, what did I do so wrong or is it that he is just so narcissistic, he only hears himself ? I am at a loss, but it is out of my control. He is gone again, living high on other people's money and his own damn lies.

I am still hurt and yesterday's emotional relapse into the past didn't help to bring me closer to the end than it did to resurrect the pain of all I have endured. How I wish this would all come to an end quickly. I was never one to cope well with adversity. The stress of this is going to kill me.
Yet, I have to deal with this all over again come Tuesday. And Wednesday. And next week as well.

I guess that's it for now. I have to start my day and move on for just today. Say a prayer for me, my friends, I need them now, more than ever.

Ciao for now.

You know that feeling you sometimes get? You know the one. You can't quite figure it out, but it just stays with you? Well, that's what I've got going on right now. I can't call him, I can't see him, yet he's still here with me. Everywhere I look, everything I hear, all the things I know. It hurts really deep and it won't go away.

I can't stand being alone. My mind just races like a freight train full of memories. I want to call him and ask him out, but it probably would only be more painful in the long run. Please, God, ask him to remember me today in a good light, don't block me from him entirely.

Once again, I have to reiterate how alone alone can be. It just sucks. Period. I hate it. Where is my happiness?

The sun is shining!!!!! This is really big news. It's only supposed to last for two days, but that's two days of warmth.

It's still raining in my heart though, dare I say? I'm starting to dream about him again. I'm waking up tired and anxious and feeling quite alone. I hope things get done quickly and I can move on with every aspect of my life soon. I would really like to be able to finally do that.


Whispers of yesterday,
grow loud in my head.
I am tired forever
and forever in bed.
I look to tomorrow
to take me back to the past
And I hate I still love him
and pray it will last.

Caio for now.

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That's it for now, although I absolutely hate I am going to sleep alone again now. But, that won't last forever. I am just sad today, and this to shall pass. But I miss everything, the touches, the feelings, the smells, everything. Can't blame me for being human, can you?

I guess what I miss the most is kissing him. I used to love to kiss him. Wherever we were, no matter what we were doing, I always just wanted to kiss him. I envy whoever it is that's kissing him now. I hated that he wouldn't care who he was with romantically, as long as they "delivered." And, apparently, they always did. I'm sure this new one does too.

I guess I miss dressing up and going out to dinner as well. I used to love dressing for him, always excited to see his reaction. I was sure he liked that we could both turn heads wherever we went, but I remember always being meticulous in getting ready in anticapation of that look in his eyes when he would first see me. I just loved to please him. I would do anything to please him.

Funny, and a bit strange I suppose, how some things just come back to you out of nowhere. I wish he could have read my mind at times. Maybe he would've known how I really felt. I don't like any part of not being around him, nothing about it is good. I just want to run away and die sometimes. I miss him so much and I had to put it into words.

Today is the first Sunday in May. The rain is soft and the air is damp. I awoke this morning and found myself reading my horoscopes with an enthusiasm I haven't had for awhile. I read more than I had wanted and they all started to blur into each other. I guess I'll have to go back later and read them again.

Well, I didn't win the mega millions lottery on Friday, probably because I forgot to buy any tickets. (That would've helped, right?) No, so I am still no more better off financially than I was on Thursday, or last week, for that matter. I am still struggling to stay alive and not be consumed with the sadness that has come to be my best companion.

There is a once favorite song of mine that says, "If the phone doesn't ring it's me, I'll be out in the eye of the storm...If the phone doesn't ring, it's me, I'll be out with someone who makes me feel warm" I used to think it was about him not calling me, now I think it's about me not calling him. Whatever, it makes me feel better to think about it like that for now. So I guess all you intelligent people out there can guess what I am not writing about but am still conveying to you.

In any case, I do feel like leaving again. Some place warm and tropical would be really nice right now. Yet, I still have to wait for another day. I hate being patient. It gets boring really fast.

So just for today I will take it slow and easy and try to be good. My head and my heart still pray for all the people and things I want to have in my life, but I feel better now than I can let most of my burdens go.

And, just for today, I will listen to the rain and say me prayers in silence.