Well, here we are in October already. The weather has changed dramatically and the promise of an Indian summer has all but passed. I finally worked up the courage to go through the boxes of stuff he dropped off at my mom's house, only to find that nothing was mine. So I have to now gather up the strength to see him and get back all my things.

I am not looking forward to this task at all.

In other news I am looking for an apartment and not having any real success at it. The prices are either too high or too far away from where I want to be. then again, I suppose I can go anywhere at all because there is nothing holding me here anymore. Fear is overcoming me and I must steer myself through that as well.

I am still sad, but I keep going. Trying new things and being bold again.

Well I guess that's all for now.

Caio.

Well, like almost everything in this world, it's time to say to good-bye to the Summer of 09. In a way I'm glad it's over. Nothing of any importance happened for me these last two months. There were no water parks, like I was promised, nor was there Coney Island. There were no late night picnics on the beach followed by the sweet exotic-ness of love-making on the sand. No Carvel on warm August nights and, most of all no laughter to fill my heart. There was just the constant reminder that I am no longer needed, wanted or loved by him.


And , although my heart stills cries a little each day for the longings of his face and his eyes and his touch, I still live and breathe and go on. I guess I will never have the closure or the understanding of why this all-consuming relationship has come to and end, I still get up each morning and face the day. Albeit, not with any joy or happy expectations, but only with the knowledge that he will never call, he will never e-mail, only that he just doesn't care. At all, anymore.

Happy September to everyone else.

I want to climb to the highest mountain I can find today and scream at the top of my lungs that this is not going to happen to me again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am through with the "have patience" thing and the "say a prayer that things will work out" thing. Hear that God, I'm done. I just want to go back with life right now, I want to go back being happy and laughing and dancing again, I don't like this "limbo" crap anymore. Can I get any more exact than that to you? Can you hear me NOW?

That said, Good morning my friends.....


Well, it's been a stellar week, I can say that. The universe, the eclipse, the stars, they have all played their roles very well and as predicted these last few days. As from Sunday on, I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions and turbulence and , by the way did I ever mention to you that I absolutely hate roller coaster rides?, I do, but, still I am strapped in and awaiting the next sharp curve and the always dooming climb and decent.

Today I plan on the beach. I haven't been at all this year, so this should be good. The sun is shining and the day looks promising, but my heart is still in foreign territory. Not yet eclipsing with my soul right now. Or maybe it's my soul that is awol and not my heart at all. I'm really not at liberty to say, all I know is I feel like I am limbo and I'm pretty sure I know why.

So, moving forward, the beach. Looking forward to it actually. Baby oil, fresh fruit, sand, and the always amusing people watching thing. I love to watch the world. Be an observer and you shall learn, alot. Do you realize how much you can learn from what people bring to the beach? You can write volumes on that alone. It's a fact. You leave home, your stuff, your life. You head out into a direction you know where you can't bring what you are most comfortable being surrounded by so you carefully choose what you desire most to be with you. Your best "I'm leaving home for a few hours but I still need to be connected" stuff. Some people bring everything and it's quite a struggle, and to me a waste of time, to see them just unloading their car and navigating through the parking lot. These days I'm sure that involves a laptop, an ipod and and a cellphone. I have a cellphone, these days who doesn't? But, let's not forget the concept of going to the beach. Relaxation. There are very few people on this earth that I can honestly say I would
feel at ease just going to the beach with. My family fights where ever they go, so I never go to the beach with them, and they live at the beach. My girlfriend Jean from Brooklyn is just too high maintenance for me to even relax on the sand with, let alone explore the possibilities of having some quality girlfriend time other than in my home, or more specifically, kitchen with. And Roger, well, let's just keep that part a mystery, suffice it to say I loved going to the beach with him. No, there is actually only one person I have gone to the beach with , been to the beach with and am going to the beach with today. He's quiet, he's polite, he's funny when he wants to be and he brings the radio. He never fights with me, he opens the door for me and he's safe. Thank you my friend. So I am looking forward to this day or better still not even having to plan the day, maybe just a few hours and that's it, that's the beauty of knowing each other so well. You don't have to put on a fake smile and laugh if you don't want to. Yesterday we went to lunch. I was having a bit of an emotional hangover and he knew it and he accepted it and he got me through it. Thanks again.

So to today my dear friends, let's laugh, let's tan, let's just be the best at being ourselves.

Ciao.

JULY 8TH - A very special day for someone very special, Happy Birthday to you my dearest friend.

The sun is shining and I have the option of not one, not two, but three different dates to go on. I kinda like that. I'm choosing option #2 and going to take a nice long drive somewhere on the North Shore. I'm thinking Sag Harbour. Have a nice lunch at the Americana Cafe, browse through some really nice boutiques and feel the sun and the wind on my face. Did I mention it's in a convertible mercedes? Hooray for me.


Well that's it for me, have to run and get ready.

Caio for now my friends. Have a great day!!!!!!!

Hello Friends, hope all is well in the land of cyberspace. I finally had a good night's sleep and feel more relaxed today than I have in a very long time. I even took an almost three hour nap yesterday! Sleep is very important and essential in keeping your body and mind in a state of awareness and positive thinking, so I have learned the hard way. Is there anything I haven't ever learned the hard way for that matter?

Summer is here and I plan on having some fun, fun, fun. Something that has been lacking for the past year from my life. Of course, having the sun shining for almost a week straight definitely helps in that point of view.

For the first time, in a very long time, I feel the promise of life coming back to me. The promise of a warm day, a walk in a distant park or at the beach, a warm summer night watching the moon shimmer off the still waters of the bay with a warm breeze blowing in my hair. All good.

I am trying hard not to look at my world as half empty, but with the promise of being half full. It's all up to me and me alone. I just feel good. I feel like good things are going to finally begin to happen to me and I am breathless with anticipation.

So that's where I'm at this Tuesday July 7th. In a comfortable place and feeling peaceful.

I wish everyone a great day and hope that everyone has something to laugh about and with and that your smiles are abundant.

Caio for now my friends.

Well, hello again, my friends. It has been awhile since I have written or even been on line. I have nothing really new or exciting to report except that I am still waiting on getting my belongings back and there is absolutely no communication at all. Where does this person get off thinking he can keep, give away or throw out my things? I will never understand this part of him, or anyone else for that matter, at all. I had a conversation with a friend of mine yesterday that pointed out to me that anyone else that wants no more to do with someone would more than likely want them to get their things and clear out of their life completely. So why did I get stuck with that one person that is still holding onto part of me? That's it, pretty tired these last few days, haven't been sleeping too well and doing too many things during the days. It's good to be back.

Caio for now.

It occurs to me this morning that I have not been in a really good frame of mind for some time now. I blame myself. If I didn't love so unconditionally I wouldn't be in this state of mind, but, if I didn't have the chance to love at all, I wouldn't be here either. Where am I to go now? What am I to do? My best instincts tell me to run as far away as possible, but I am paralyzed in my own existence. I want to kiss him again and make him love me, but I am frightened with the fear of rejection he keeps sending me. That's all for now. Ciao