Happy Halloween, my friend. I'm wondering did you use my decorations and make the house look festive? Where are you and what are you doing? Are you enjoying your life as much as I hope to enjoy mine someday? Have you forgotten all about me? Out of sight out of mind always did seem to work for you before. I was so wrong about you, wasn't I?

I wonder also if I'll ever be as smug as you. I think not. It's just not in my nature to be cruel and yet it seems to come so easily to you. I imagine that's from a lifetime of having your ass kissed by everyone and anyone you met. Your mother, your brother, your ex-wives, your own children. Lying to them is a sin against God and yet there you are, living the life of Riley, telling one lie after the other and never feeling any remorse for it at all.

I pray for you everyday, I really do, but secretly I hope bad things happen to everyone you care about so you might know what's it like to have your heart ripped out time and time again. Ok, so I really don't want bad things to happen, but I want you to feel somewhat responsible for using me and throwing me away and lying to your friends and your family about me for all these years. You need help, and alot of it.

I miss you terribly but I remember how terrible it was when you were around. That alone gives me hope for myself every morning when I get up. To know I don't have to look into your eyes and wonder what bull your throwing around today. You really can't helpself yourself, can you? You just go around aquiescing everyone to feed your primal urges and get what you want for the moment. I hate you so much at times, but it is because I hate you that I realize how much I still care about you. I dream of you and even in my dreams you are lying and cheating and being a dog. Where in the hell do you get off? No wonder your second wife came after you with a knife, I really can't blame her for that one. And you call me crazy? YOU ARE SO OFF BASE IT ISN'T EVEN FUNNY.

So , my dear beautiful gift, Roger, hope you have a Happy Halloween, hope you get all the treats you want, and I'm sure you will, and I hope I come to you tonight in your dreams and haunt you. That would be the best thing I could wish for. See you in la-la land, my friend.

Well it's official. I'm in full reminicent mode. Clsing my eyes and feeling his kiss. This has to stop. Thank God tomorrow they're closing this site down. I can't live in the past, especially when I'm trying so hard to work towards the future. Perhaps because there was never any closure, perhaps because I wasn't ready to say good-bye just yet. Or at all. But now I am.

 I would really like my stuff back though. I think that just stinks, keeping my stuff , I mean. My childhood Christmas decorations, my hand sewn embroidered pillow cases, my mother's tea set. What is the purpose of him holding onto these things. And why give me back my tv without the remote? I can't use the damn thing without it. Oh well, I guess he's just sicker than I am in some ways. But I still miss him a little, guess I will for some time to come. Hope it doesn't last forever, hope I get to that light at the end of the tunnel sooner than later.

I still pray and hope that God hears me. I still hope and pray that God knows. I still cry and dream of laughing. I still dream and hope it comes true.

Caio my friends, take care and thanks for listening.

I just figured out why I had that dream again, it's very academic, really. I haven't been on line for sometime now and as I have been posting this week, he's there, right on my buddy list. I find myself gazing over to his name every few seconds, seeing him in my mind's eye sitting in his room, smoking way too many cigarettes and checking out profiles in those sleazy chatrooms. Mystery solved, but it will not stop me from going online. I am new and fresh and clean, I am today and not yesterday any longer. I am me.

Well, I had that dream again last night.  Woke up wondering why it's been so long since the last time. Guess I wasn't ready to see him again, but last night I did. It didn't go very well, but it was just a dream.

Life is good, too good right now to put anything negative into my thought process. He was here and now he's gone. Simple as that. Actually, it doesn't get more simple than that.

So I am concentrating on my new life and my new friends and my family today. I've committed myself to my organization and fully intend to do a great job of it. I am not alone anymore. I am here and very much aware of everything. All I have to do is remind myself of the pain and despair I went through because of him and I will be fine.

There are times I wonder, wouldn't be human if I didn't, but I'm sure that will pass in time as well.

Looking forward to toady and whatever I accomplish.

Peace and prayers to you, my departed friend, wishing you only the best for always.

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing.

Well, it's Sunday. I remember Sunday mornings with a little bit of nostalgia. It actually was one of the most favorite days of the week for me. I had a nice routine and things were always sublime. I'm sure they will come back. Probably better than before.

It was a good week, I stayed focused and positive. I neither embraced the past or let it drown me. I am a better person for it. I feel a little stronger every day and look forward to the hours before me, all 24 of them.

Yes, there were times when the old memories came sneaking around and tried to get in, but I would not allow them to. Instead I set my thoughts on a new direction and stayed mellow.

I can only take it one day a time right now, actually more like one hour at a time. I do not need any triggers to set me off and I know there are some who would love to push my buttons and watch me fall, but I am in a safe place, in my heart and in my mind and in myself, I need not deal with the negativity at this point in time. I need only to take care of myself the best way I know how. It's that simple. It's that easy.

So, I will pray for you if you will pray for me. If the past ever does come knocking on my front door, I'm not sure I will answer it, but I will probably feel good that it is still there, because as a human being, that is what I am conditioned to feel. I had love and it was wrong and painful and I am trying to steer away from pain right now. I need only to be three things at this moment in  time, Joyous, Happy and Free.

It's been a while since I' ve written. I sometimes wonder where all the times goes. But I'm okay today. I feel like a new beginning of something good. Everyday still brings with somethings from the past, but I've learned to work through them, to let them all go. It's me now, back to where I was a long time ago, feeling good, being strong and looking great.  There's a saying I hear frquently, we don't work them out we work through them, and I guess that's just what I'm doing.  Sure, it gets lonely at times, but I found new things and more important, new friends to occupy my time and listen to my words and give me hope.

I'm sorry for the time I wasted feeling so sad about the past, but that's done now and I can't turn back the clock, I can only look forward to today and what I hope to accomplish right now.

I have a chance at love and life again, and I want to take it. In God's time, not in mine. So I just wait and see what will happen.

I am grateful for the lesson learned and that I am still here. Better than ever.

Well, that's all for now, but, I will be back.