IN MY LIFETIME I WANT JUSTICE FOR ALL AND FOR EVERYTHING.

Hear Yea.. Hear Yea.. Hear Yea..


Let This be a a lesson to all of you innocent not yet spoiled men and women out there, Do Not Lend This Man Money ...you will never see it back. He Keeps his own set of books, claiming he paid you, when in fact he hasn't and he's ruthless, he'll use you till your dead. God bless my mom, never once asking for her thousands, just thinking everything was always my fault. That's how pyscohpaths work. And why it seems, it taking a lifetime for me to get over him.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

If you would have taken a moment, just one moment and looked up and saw what beauty lies within me and not what your friends or your selective memories told you to see, then, maybe, you would have seen me.

It seems so sad to me that that ship has sailed.

I am here again, but with a much broader and certainly more clearer definition of things around me. I feel assurance and clarity and am truly wanting to move on with all things in my life. I have come to a realization that as much as the past was holding me back, I was allowing it to happen. I am done feeling small and sad, I am poised and ready to start my life anew.

As the world around me grows brighter with each passing day, so do my dreams and hopes for the future. I am taking on a new promise to myself that I will no longer be a victim of circumstance any longer. I have choices and I am taking them.

I do not know how long I will stay here, I am hoping that it will be only for a short while. Yet, that is out of my hands as well. I will just take it one moment at a time.

Life is getting better and that is all I care about.

Well, that's that, I guess. One night of feeling good and nothing again. I'm leaving in the morning. I need a break from all of this anyway. I hope I never come back. I hope he suffers. Maybe it will all be over soon.

Whatever it is it is.

Okay, I'm human, and I'm starting to freak out. Truth is I could have gone in last Monday but I didn' t because I wanted to see him, now I'm drinking again because I did. How more real does it get? Really wish I was her right now, black, pretty and on the receiving end of him. Why does God do this to me, I wonder. What great sin have I have committed to warrant this punishment?

FUNNY THING IS,I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THE QUOTE EXISTED UNTIL AFTER THE PICTURE WAS TAKEN

IT WAS JUST KARMA,NOTHING ELSE

Happy Easter Friends and Foes.

Well, another night of sleep did me well again. No dreams and no nightmares to disturb me, I am ready for Easter Mass. I have only the promise of today to contend with, nothing more and nothing less.

Two text messages, two voicemails and one email later I still have not received a response from Roger. He must really like this woman with the long black hair.Although, in my defense and honor, for all the times I had to endure the other women in his life while I was sitting or lying right next to him, it was extremely disrespectful of him to completely ignore me like that yesterday. Really junior high school bs.He could have at least walked away for a moment or two and just given me the courtesy of calling me back and acknowledging my existence. Not to mention, owning up to his responsibilities like a real man would. It hurt, just a little, just for a minute and then, thankfully, it was gone. I have more important things to worry about and am not at all concerned or care that much about his nymphophelic trysts.

Well, have to make that call again at nine, before church. Get somewhat nervous in anticipation of the outcome. Know what I don't want to hear. Pray everyone, that I do the right thing.

Easter will be spent here this year. Very unusual, that's for sure. Wonder what to expect, at least I'll have my couch and my remote. I actually find some comfort in that.

Well, have to get ready for mass. I need to have another cup of coffee and really start my day.

Happy Easter Egg Hunting Everyone.

Caio.

Today is Saturday, April 11. All of the horoscopes I read said that yesterday was going to be one of the most romantic days of the year for me. Yeah, right. I never even left the house. Today will be different. I need to go out and do something. I am still waiting on when I will be leaving and find that with each passing day, I want it less and less.

I am not without forgiveness in my heart. After all, just read my entire blog from the beginning. Some of you think I am completely nuts for going back time and again. If that doesn't say forgiveness, what does? And, of course, while we're on the subject...

He didn't come online till almost three pm yesterday and stayed long enough to read a short note I sent him, with no reply. Did he say hello, no. Did he respond, no. Isn't that just the way? But I truly did not expect him too, at all. No, all things being him in this world and this blog, he had probably already made plans for the weekend and did not want to have to say no to me if I asked him out. I wouldn't have done that anyway. I didn't feel all that well yesterday and I know, in my heart, he is not alone over there. He can never be alone. I am sure he has someone new in his life and he likes her. That's just how life always worked with him. I have had to accept that fact for a very long time. And I have. Besides, we only saw each other for one night. It was passionate and wonderful, but it was Roger, not the proverbial white knight. To him I was probably just a booty call, nothing more. His heart will never be mine again, I know that as well. Funny how I haven't picked up a drink at all to help me deal with me it this time, truth is, it really doesn't hurt that much right now. There were no tears in my eyes when he drove home the next day, nothing. Maybe my prayers to God to help me walk through the pain once and for all were actually heard and heeded to this time around. For whatever it's worth, it was good to be with him again, having dinner, watching a movie and making love, of course, and I am grateful I do not hurt, I have too much other stuff on my plate right now anyway.

One final note on the subject, he is supposed to call me by 12:30 today and I hope he does, he has something I need and I want it. No BS, no excuses and certainly, no silent treatment. Let's see if he will come through. Also, I am almost certain that I will be gone next week and I need to have it before then. Like today.

Other than that, nothing new over here to write about. I am growing somewhat bored with the daily routine and the waiting. I am concerned only for myself and am a little angry over certain situations that involve some people in my life that I am choosing to not contact right now. I need some space.

So, although it is rainy and gray outside, I feel good and at peace and am happy to have not drank over anything in sometime. My life is far from perfect, but it is still life and I am not looking forward to the alternative just yet. The only thing I would truly like is to win mega millions. (Betcha he'd come running back then, huh?) Just kidding. Really. I would be on a plane so fast I would be a blur to the world. No, probably buy a house first somewhere around here, with a big yard and plenty of trees and a separate garage, turned studio, as a workshop for myself. Then I would leave. France, Italy, Fiji, Greece. That would be my desire. And I would do it alone. I always liked to travel by myself, until him, but now I am more comfortable in my own skin than I have been in some time. I could do almost anything again, and I could do it alone. I really do not need to hold onto anyone anymore, just myself. I really hope this feeling lasts and grows.

Okay, well I guess that's enough for now. I am sure I am boring most of you with this, but it feels good to get it out and share it, after all if I really do go where I had planned, no computers. Really rethinking this entire operation. Pray for me, I will need it. Thanks.

I have a strange feeling that I will be leaving very soon, perhaps even today and now I really don't want to go anymore. I want to stay around and get a job. I want to just not go there anymore at all. Is bit because of him, yes and no. Just the feeling of being behind closed doors for so long is really starting to get to me. After all, I am doing ok right now, although I still could use the extra help. I'm just not sure if it is that much help I need. I have to keep reminding myself that he is not forever, I am. He is not number one, I am. He will never love me the way I want him to. Ever. I have to take care of myself, he won't. So what do I do and where do I go from here?

There are way too many chefs in my kitchen again, the reason I left before. I want my damn money and I want it now. I want to run away again to Tortola or somewhere quiet and reflective. i want to take him with me of course, but that will never happen either. All I know is I do not want to go there. Help!!!!!!

It is a new day and yet another new beginning. My prayers in church on Sunday seemed to work. I met with Roger yesterday and all went well. We laughed like old friends and at least I can say with confidence that I came away with a better perspective on things. In a very small way I don't want to commit myself to my obligations anymore and I am a little nervous about not taking care of myself or even wanting to on the level that I should. That I need. It was, after all, only for a brief time.

I am still here.

Some days are more like walking daydreams than reality. There was some bad news yesterday with regard to Roger and one of his kids and the pain in his voice is something that I have not been able to erase in my mind. I don't think I even fell asleep till 4:30 this morning. I would so much like to be there for him but I know that that is impossible. I want to to hold him and tell him it will be alright. His love for his children is stronger than any I have ever witnessed. His heart is breaking and I know that he wishes he could take her place. I only wish I could be there for him in some way, I am sure that she will be. I feel helpless, I can only imagine what he is going through. I would take her place to if I could. If only for him to feel better.

Today was a very interesting day indeed. I accomplished much from eight am on and learned a few new things that may or may not be good for me and my prolonged battle in the Federal Court.

First, seems the people that I am fighting against fired their attorneys. Very interesting indeed. This little bit of information means one of several different things. But, as I am on a gag order, I cannot disclose any of them. Cross your fingers and say a prayer. For me of course.

Second, I have to tell you that I had a continuation of that strange dream last night. I was with him again, only we were at her house, it was all so surreal. He took a shower there and I went into the bathroom to confront him and then she came into the bathroom after me and handed him a towel!!!! After that all I remember is that I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. I might even have woke myself up to avoid anymore distress in my waking life.

Third, I spoke with him today. The power of prayer and the confidence of not giving a damn anymore. I am waiting to hear from him again and hope to see him for a short time this evening.
But, everything being Roger in this blog and this world, he, of course, has the last say in this matter. Will I see him or won't I? It is up to him again. Although I can always say no I know that I want to. I know that I need to before I go away. I need to sit with him, listen to the sound of his voice, see his eyes, hold his hand. I need to just be with him, you know? Even if it is just for a cup of coffee at the diner. I miss him terribly. And we all know that he is not forever, and he never was, although I had always thought he would be. I always hoped he would be.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I am going to go relax for awhile and wait on his call.

Caio for now.

I had a very strange dream laast night and it left me tired and distressed. He was there, of course, only, she was there with us. We sat next to each other but did not speak. He handed me a glass of wine and a parakeet died. Pretty weird, huh? First dream of him I have had in areally long time.

A message to my beautiful lover:

I miss you and prayed for you in church today. I have been taken all the right steps since seeing you last and will be going away for awhile. Would you call me before I leave? My heart is getting very tired of carrying the pain of losing you all the time. I would love to see the light at the end of this tunnel, be it with or without you. I need to walk through this pain once and for all and be happy again. I want to to feel the sun on my face and appreciate it again, without having to reflect on the past when we would bask in the daylight together. My life is far from over, yet it is without the wholeness of which everyone else has. I want myself back. I have been incomplete for a very long time now and I want to be whole again. Please help me. You are the only one that can. Forgive me for my anger, my anger was just my pain reaching out. I am sorry for everything I ever did to cause you any harm. I would love to hear your voice and see your beautiful blue eyes once more before I go. God forgive me, but I cannot seem to stop loving you.

As with everything else in life, delays happen. I am still here, but expect to be leaving soon. I have been having a very enlightening week and interesting forces are coming into play. I am packed and ready to go but with the passing days am starting to feel a bit hesitant about the decision I have committed myself to. This I have been told is normal, still I do no like the feeling.

The house that I shared with Roger might be sold soon and I have belongings there that I want returned to me before he has to leave. They are mine and not his and I want them back. All of them. Please let him know. My mother is still here and would welcome his delivery of these things of mine. I have just a short time left, so please if you yourself are reading this, I want you to know exactly what and where everything I am mentioning is located. I am still very angry with you for giving my other things away. I do not wish to lose anything more. I have lost enough just knowing you and having you in my life. Some of these things were given to me by my father when I was a little girl. So please be a man and do the right thing. Thank you.

Dear Friends, I am leaving again and will be gone for some time. I will not be online during my absence but rest assured I will be fine and in good health and hands. I will miss you all and look forward to the day when I will be able to write to you all again.

Until then, stay well, be good and try not to screw your life up anymore.

Ciao