Well, Happy New Year's Eve...I got a reprieve from the governor yesterday, my adventurous trek into Manhattan was re-scheduled until next week. So, I am glad as I sit here and watch the snow falling, after just getting back indoors, it was freezing out there, so I know from experience it would be even colder navigating the city streets. The buildings act like wind tunnels and you don't, if you can help it, want to be anywhere near there on a day like today. And that's just weather wise.

So, now I have to reconsider my options for New Year's Eve '08. I am reminded of years past when the loneliness enveloped me and carried me for days. I refuse to cede to that yet again. Friends want me with them for an early supper and gathering, and I will probably go. I spent the better part of this morning crying over that narcissist bastard and his demonic ways, and I feel better now, albeit a little tired. Plenty of time for a nap.



Well, wouldn't you just know that this would happen. I pray in the morning that God gives me strength throughout the day and brings me into tomorrow a better person with alot less anger and there he is, and he im's me and he asks me over for New Years Eve. Now, I know what you all are thinking right now, and believe me, I thought of it myself. How much humiliation can one person endure before crashing and burning for good? How many times must I forgive and forget for him to forgive me and start treating me like the human being I always was. What is it finally going to take for me to realize that he will never love me like I want and dream him to? Is one night, ok it is New Years Eve, worth the incredibly painful and long-lasting heartache that ultimately will follow? WHEN, IF EVER, WILL I LEARN AND LET GO?



I am sober and trying hard to evaluate the concerns I have in order to make this decision with a sound mind. Why does it have to be tonight of all nights in the year for me to exercise my right to say no? Why tonight do I finally have the choice to say forget you and walk away? There has to be some irony in that. This must be retribution for praying that he gets a deadly disease.By the way, he was really pissed about that one, let me tell you. ( I still laugh out loud when I read it.)



What am I supposed to do? What should I do? The powers that be are really throwing me into the fire pit with this one. Though I must say that I do not feel that nervous tingly sensation I usually got whenever he would come around again after dissing me so coldly, instead I am rather calm and have actually picked up the phone to call the woman I have become supported by to seek out her advice. Yes, you probably already know what she said. But, unlike the other women in my life, she gets me to think about the answer myself instead of telling me what it is. I really appreciate that quality in her alot. Thanks Jeannie, I love you.



But, that doesn't necessarily mean I will go ahead and do the right thing by me either. Though, I must admit, it feels good to have the choice. Me, not him. But I am thinking more in terms of the future than the pleasure of the night. I would love to sit with him by the fire again and watch a movie and more importantly, be held, but would it be the same? Can I empower enough of the fantasy to make it work for both of us? To make it last more than the few hours that he will ultimately decide I warrant before he drives me home and tells me he has to get ready to go out or to get ready for a poker game? Will I stay strong and , very importantly, sober in the aftermath? Will things change or be different because it is New Year's Eve? I don't think so. I think that he has no plans, he immed me, he didn't call me and I'm drawn between two directions. Two paths diverged in a yellow wood and I chose the one less traveled on. Robert Frost, smart man. Only he, like so many of you, don't know what the path of Roger is all about. I have gone on and on in this blog about the viciousness of his actions and how he left me homeless and all alone and broken-hearted and frightened. Obviously there was alot of good or I wouldn't have fallen in love with him in the first place and stayed for so many years. There was much good there.

I guess I'll just have to decide this one for myself. Happy New Year my friends, peace to you all.

Well, it's almost here. The ball drops, people kiss, champagne flows. Where will you be? Where will I be? As it turns out, I have to go into Manhattan tomorrow morning for a meeting on Park Avenue. The busiest day of the year for the city and I will be right smack dab in the middle of it. I have a little apprehension for this short journey, but I am trying very hard to see the forest through the trees on this. I will dress warm, only bring what I need and project a positive spin on the situation. I will not be afraid and intimidated by the madness, but resign myself to the fact that if I did not get into a such a funky depression last week, I would have accomplished this task then. I just couldn't imagine myself taking a ride from him and listening to his stories of what a wonderful weekend he had, while I was under the impression that he and I had already cemented plans in place. I couldn't bare to face him and be a prisoner in his car. Like other times before, it took me several years and talks with family and friends to realize that part of his "addiction" is to tell me of his conquests. And he did. Sometimes in graphic detail. I just couldn't allow myself to get so full of anxiety and jealousy and anger and then have to behave professionally with the lawyer I had never even met before. I couldn't mentally do it. So, I have come to an understanding with God and the powers that be, that I am supposed to go into Manhattan on New Year's Eve and since, I have done nothing in the last eight years on this date, I am destined to be courageous and journey out into the world for the mere fact that solitude and isolation and depression are not on my list this year to embrace on such an auspicious day. The powers that be would rather have me delight in the real world and not the fantasy world in which I have allowed myself to be reside in. Hopefully I will be back here, safe and sound before the real madness starts, but even that means to me that I will be home alone for midnight. I don't know if I want that again. My decision and my world. For right now I have to concentrate on paper work and formalities and getting what I desire out of tomorrow's meeting. I have to get a warm wardrobe together, and directions from point A to point B. So that's that for now.

I am wondering if he has read any of this blog in recent days or if he is just too busy with all his new friends. I still giggle over yesterday's prayer.

In case I miss tomorrow, Happy New Year to all.

Dear God: Here is my prayer for today. I am grateful for the little things, but I would really like to go away on a long and far away journey, now. I am grateful for the people in my life but since they have seemingly no clue what the hell I am feeling, I want to have that journey begin now. I am grateful for all the blessings you have bestowed upon me but can't you bestow them on me somewhere else, like the Bahamas? And, most of all, I hope that everything that Roger cherishes in this lifetime would just die or break or be sold or just simply disappear from his life. I hope he grows painstakingly ill and becomes bedridden with a crippling disease and that he loses his sanity through some wicked sexually transmitted disease. Amen.

Good Morning, Sunday. Good Morning all things past and present. I have the gifts, wrapped and tied with ribbons for him, still sitting in my living room. He came on line yesterday and I suppose as soon as he saw I was online too, he logged off immediately. Pretty juvenile behavior for a 65 year old man, wouldn't you say? Well, I guess that's that again. So much for holiday cheer.

Will the good tidings ever come and fill my heart again? Will I have to wait forever to be loved again, this time the right way, the way I deserve to be? No one deserves this, no one. I don't care what I did that was so wrong. It isn't fair and it isn't right. I shouldn't have to judge myself by his approvals or dismissals, who is he anyway, just a man who is a sex addict, a liar , a cheat and a gambler.He actually operates an illegal gambling den in the downstairs of the home we used to share where all my things are quickly disappearing from. And I need him because why? If he wants someone else he can have them, let them feel the hurt that I have been feeling for so long, let them know the pain. It is not my job to save anyone else but myself. Besides, not everyone is as vulnerable as I am, so maybe they will see through him more quickly than it took me.

I would like a second chance at life and obviously it means living a life that doesn't include so many tears and so much pain. I repeat, no one deserves this, no one. Isn't love something that is supposed to make you happy and not sad, anyway?

I hate him so much right now, I feel consumed with it. He really stinks as a person. He truly is evil in so many ways. Where did he get that from? Certainly not from God. And how is it, he thinks he is always so justified in causing so much damage and grief? Will he ever get his?

He made love to me last Tuesday. On Wednesday, just like in the beginning, I cried on the way back to my house because I didn't want to say good-bye. On Thursday it was Christmas shopping and dinner, he promised he would take me to see the holiday lights over the weekend and to Atlantic City after Christmas. He even asked me where I wanted to stay. On Friday he wouldn't answer the phone. I haven't heard from him since. How would you feel? Merry Christmas, again.

It is very early on the morning of the winter solstice. The rain and snow outside have left the slush puddles in an enormous and obtrusive river to my front door. The skies hang grey and low and the feeling of merriment is far away. Christmas is almost here, is it not? Where is the joy then, I wonder? The lights seem to shine brightly on all the other houses in my neighborhood and are ominously bleak around mine. Will the sun come back before the 25th? Will the peace and good-cheer of the holiday season return and fill my heart with love? I pray on it.

AN OPEN LETTER TO SANTA CLAUS:

Dear Santa,

I would like to begin by telling you that I still believe in miracles. You have showed me this past year that I am a survivor, even in the worst of circumstances. You have given me the strength to continue when I was alone and cold and hungry. I now have a home again when I did not. Abandoned on the streets, I was grateful for the warmth of the season I was left outside, broken-hearted and frightened. I am grateful I now have a place to lay my head at night and food to eat. I still need some more help from you though and hope you get this letter in time. I am not asking for myself but for those people that have come and gone in my life that I still feel connected to. I ask for them.

Many years ago you brought into my life a man whom changed my outlook on love from one that was very dire to that which was radiant. You instilled in him the generosity of a hundred men and a heart filled with gold. And I was blessed with having him, even though the warm days and nights fell short of my desires, he was given to me to make my life better and he did. I ask that you watch out for him. I ask with extreme sincerity that you keep his choices simple and give him the knowledge that he lacks. He is a simple man in many ways, yet he complicates himself and the world around him with difficulties he doesn't need. He creates for himself more problems then he can navigate through and then becomes overwhelmed with his own decisions and falls back on vices that are not healthy.

He truly is one of the most amazing men I have ever met in this life and he deserves to know and feel that more than anyone else. In his lifetime, I ask you to bless him with everything good and beautiful. I wish him only the best for himself and his loved ones. Always.

I would also ask that you take care of friends that have come and gone. Perhaps there is no communication there anymore and there will never be again, but it doesn't mean that they are completely out of my heart or my thoughts. To them I ask for peace. I ask that they acknowledge in the morning what a blessing life really is and to keep their eyes on the simple miracles that God has bestowed upon them, not what they think they lack. Peace to them now and for always, for they need to rest in their hearts and count each day a minute at a time.

For my family I want them to have a better understanding of how lucky they are to have everyone still here and healthy. Rivalries that are years behind us, I ask that you remove from their conscience and give them the power of resolution and forgiveness. I would like for them all to realize that life is a journey that sometimes ends too soon. They need to forgive each other and start to love again. There are no perfect people in this world and family certainly falls under that credo and so to them I ask for kindness in heart and a gentle approach and the patience to acknowledge that we are all a gift to each other. There really is no better gift than the love of family.

To my friends that are new and seem to love me unconditionally, I ask for time. Time to explore the new foundations that these friendships have been forged under. Time to slow things down that they will be present in every moment of their lives and time to love all who need it back to health and life. They are gift upon themselves, so time for them to enjoy all the good they do.

As for me, I only ask one thing of you Santa. I need to understand more clearly the path that I am set here to follow. I want to understand the obstacles that are put in front of me and learn to navigate them more practically and with less doubt. I want to understand why people come and go in my heart and then come back again only to leave me once more. I want to look forward to today without having to second guess the past. Understanding why people do the things they do and if I should feel the hurt that they leave behind. I want to learn to love again with the purity and conviction you have shown me I was so capable of before. I have asked for more than I thought. Oh well, Christmas only comes once a year.

This is my Christmas list, thank you Santa.
\\

Merry Christmas to all.

So I let the chips fall. I lost. If you really love something, you have to set it free. Even though it hurts.

Think of a happy place
close your eyes
breathe deeply
relax
everything will be alright
everything will be calm
life has a way of working out

So much for reverse psychology, I took a chance and wrote to him that I love him and want to see him again.

Let's see.

Perhaps I was too harsh today with my thoughts and my words. Perhaps I wasn't. Will I ever find out?

I have had a few days of down time to completely veg out on the couch and do nothing but think through the prospects of my future.

Christmas is so close right now and I am still not ready to battle the maddening crowds and over baking that needs to be done. That I attribute to my lasting disappointment in all things him.

Tomorrow still something else I have no control over, nor do I think I even care anymore about.

I have to concentrate on getting out of this house and moving on with my life. The walls are starting to cave in on me again. I am feeling like a pawn in everyone else's desires of me. The phone can ring a thousand times, but there is only one call I care to get. (Well, maybe two. An offer from opposing counsel would be greatly appreciated right now.)

My choices are somewhat limited, but I feel a strong desire to keep them my choices and no one else's. By that I mean, I want to decide where I go and what I do on my own. I had a great dream last night that I had an apartment on the water, a party with lots of food and people and a cat. I like cats. I always did. It was nice, being on the water, being happy, everything about the dream was a nice way to wake up this morning. Even the dreariness of the day can't take that away from me right now.

On a more traditional note of staying with the original theme of this blog, apparently my mother took it upon herself on Sunday to call Roger and let him know how upset she was with him for amongst other things giving my furniture and jewelery away and by getting so defensive with me when I asked him where they were. Touche' Mom.

He called but I didn't answer. I still have alot of things over there and each day I feel like they are flying out the door. I really need to address the conclusion of this once and for all and then move the hell away from here all together. Maybe I should meet men on line like he does with his sleazy chatrooms and "business" trips. He is such a waste of space in my heart and my head.
Even now just writing this last paragraph tired me out.Why in the hell did he bother to come back into my life in the first place and fill me with hope again? Can a person really be that cruel?

Well, that's it for now, I might take his pictures down too, why do I need to keep looking at them everyday, right? They are so yesterday. I'm looking forward to tomorrow. He's not invited.

Caio for now, my friends.

It is very cold here in more ways than just the weather. The absence of hope is all around me and I am trying desperately to stay afloat. I have given up on having a happy holiday season and am instead remembering past Christmases and New Years with a sigh of regret and a little tinge of anger of how I was alone waiting for a call. How, I wonder, do other people seem to just be there for each other? Why did I have to meet such an incredibly distant man?

The sun would be nice right now. I am even too tired to write.

Saturday and I could feel the cold of winter when I first awoke. It has been a long and draining week. I have not heard a word from the him in some time. Not since Tuesday before Thanksgiving. He used me again and I fell for it. It takes a long time for me to recover from any contact with him. He is worse than a drink. With that in mind, I am off today to do something bold and brilliant. There is no time for me to sit and wait any longer, I am done with that. Permanently. He is no longer. I am no longer beholden to him or the promise of any future with him. He has hurt me for the last time.

It is Monday. The long weekend finally behind me and the promise of tomorrow at hand. I have a plan. It only includes me and not Roger. He is gone again, into his world of fantasy and folklore. I truly have no clue, nor do I want one.

Today will be a good day. I have many things to do and accomplish, the pieces of my life finally coming together like an intricately spun cloth. All that glitters is gold for me today and no one can take that away. No one and nothing despairing or dreadful. It is in my heart and my stars.

Will it last? Will I succeed? I can only pray that I do. Nothing more, nothing less.

Say a prayer for me too, my friends. Thanks.