Well, here we are in October already. The weather has changed dramatically and the promise of an Indian summer has all but passed. I finally worked up the courage to go through the boxes of stuff he dropped off at my mom's house, only to find that nothing was mine. So I have to now gather up the strength to see him and get back all my things.

I am not looking forward to this task at all.

In other news I am looking for an apartment and not having any real success at it. The prices are either too high or too far away from where I want to be. then again, I suppose I can go anywhere at all because there is nothing holding me here anymore. Fear is overcoming me and I must steer myself through that as well.

I am still sad, but I keep going. Trying new things and being bold again.

Well I guess that's all for now.

Caio.

Well, like almost everything in this world, it's time to say to good-bye to the Summer of 09. In a way I'm glad it's over. Nothing of any importance happened for me these last two months. There were no water parks, like I was promised, nor was there Coney Island. There were no late night picnics on the beach followed by the sweet exotic-ness of love-making on the sand. No Carvel on warm August nights and, most of all no laughter to fill my heart. There was just the constant reminder that I am no longer needed, wanted or loved by him.


And , although my heart stills cries a little each day for the longings of his face and his eyes and his touch, I still live and breathe and go on. I guess I will never have the closure or the understanding of why this all-consuming relationship has come to and end, I still get up each morning and face the day. Albeit, not with any joy or happy expectations, but only with the knowledge that he will never call, he will never e-mail, only that he just doesn't care. At all, anymore.

Happy September to everyone else.

I want to climb to the highest mountain I can find today and scream at the top of my lungs that this is not going to happen to me again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am through with the "have patience" thing and the "say a prayer that things will work out" thing. Hear that God, I'm done. I just want to go back with life right now, I want to go back being happy and laughing and dancing again, I don't like this "limbo" crap anymore. Can I get any more exact than that to you? Can you hear me NOW?

That said, Good morning my friends.....


Well, it's been a stellar week, I can say that. The universe, the eclipse, the stars, they have all played their roles very well and as predicted these last few days. As from Sunday on, I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions and turbulence and , by the way did I ever mention to you that I absolutely hate roller coaster rides?, I do, but, still I am strapped in and awaiting the next sharp curve and the always dooming climb and decent.

Today I plan on the beach. I haven't been at all this year, so this should be good. The sun is shining and the day looks promising, but my heart is still in foreign territory. Not yet eclipsing with my soul right now. Or maybe it's my soul that is awol and not my heart at all. I'm really not at liberty to say, all I know is I feel like I am limbo and I'm pretty sure I know why.

So, moving forward, the beach. Looking forward to it actually. Baby oil, fresh fruit, sand, and the always amusing people watching thing. I love to watch the world. Be an observer and you shall learn, alot. Do you realize how much you can learn from what people bring to the beach? You can write volumes on that alone. It's a fact. You leave home, your stuff, your life. You head out into a direction you know where you can't bring what you are most comfortable being surrounded by so you carefully choose what you desire most to be with you. Your best "I'm leaving home for a few hours but I still need to be connected" stuff. Some people bring everything and it's quite a struggle, and to me a waste of time, to see them just unloading their car and navigating through the parking lot. These days I'm sure that involves a laptop, an ipod and and a cellphone. I have a cellphone, these days who doesn't? But, let's not forget the concept of going to the beach. Relaxation. There are very few people on this earth that I can honestly say I would
feel at ease just going to the beach with. My family fights where ever they go, so I never go to the beach with them, and they live at the beach. My girlfriend Jean from Brooklyn is just too high maintenance for me to even relax on the sand with, let alone explore the possibilities of having some quality girlfriend time other than in my home, or more specifically, kitchen with. And Roger, well, let's just keep that part a mystery, suffice it to say I loved going to the beach with him. No, there is actually only one person I have gone to the beach with , been to the beach with and am going to the beach with today. He's quiet, he's polite, he's funny when he wants to be and he brings the radio. He never fights with me, he opens the door for me and he's safe. Thank you my friend. So I am looking forward to this day or better still not even having to plan the day, maybe just a few hours and that's it, that's the beauty of knowing each other so well. You don't have to put on a fake smile and laugh if you don't want to. Yesterday we went to lunch. I was having a bit of an emotional hangover and he knew it and he accepted it and he got me through it. Thanks again.

So to today my dear friends, let's laugh, let's tan, let's just be the best at being ourselves.

Ciao.

JULY 8TH - A very special day for someone very special, Happy Birthday to you my dearest friend.

The sun is shining and I have the option of not one, not two, but three different dates to go on. I kinda like that. I'm choosing option #2 and going to take a nice long drive somewhere on the North Shore. I'm thinking Sag Harbour. Have a nice lunch at the Americana Cafe, browse through some really nice boutiques and feel the sun and the wind on my face. Did I mention it's in a convertible mercedes? Hooray for me.


Well that's it for me, have to run and get ready.

Caio for now my friends. Have a great day!!!!!!!

Hello Friends, hope all is well in the land of cyberspace. I finally had a good night's sleep and feel more relaxed today than I have in a very long time. I even took an almost three hour nap yesterday! Sleep is very important and essential in keeping your body and mind in a state of awareness and positive thinking, so I have learned the hard way. Is there anything I haven't ever learned the hard way for that matter?

Summer is here and I plan on having some fun, fun, fun. Something that has been lacking for the past year from my life. Of course, having the sun shining for almost a week straight definitely helps in that point of view.

For the first time, in a very long time, I feel the promise of life coming back to me. The promise of a warm day, a walk in a distant park or at the beach, a warm summer night watching the moon shimmer off the still waters of the bay with a warm breeze blowing in my hair. All good.

I am trying hard not to look at my world as half empty, but with the promise of being half full. It's all up to me and me alone. I just feel good. I feel like good things are going to finally begin to happen to me and I am breathless with anticipation.

So that's where I'm at this Tuesday July 7th. In a comfortable place and feeling peaceful.

I wish everyone a great day and hope that everyone has something to laugh about and with and that your smiles are abundant.

Caio for now my friends.

Well, hello again, my friends. It has been awhile since I have written or even been on line. I have nothing really new or exciting to report except that I am still waiting on getting my belongings back and there is absolutely no communication at all. Where does this person get off thinking he can keep, give away or throw out my things? I will never understand this part of him, or anyone else for that matter, at all. I had a conversation with a friend of mine yesterday that pointed out to me that anyone else that wants no more to do with someone would more than likely want them to get their things and clear out of their life completely. So why did I get stuck with that one person that is still holding onto part of me? That's it, pretty tired these last few days, haven't been sleeping too well and doing too many things during the days. It's good to be back.

Caio for now.

It occurs to me this morning that I have not been in a really good frame of mind for some time now. I blame myself. If I didn't love so unconditionally I wouldn't be in this state of mind, but, if I didn't have the chance to love at all, I wouldn't be here either. Where am I to go now? What am I to do? My best instincts tell me to run as far away as possible, but I am paralyzed in my own existence. I want to kiss him again and make him love me, but I am frightened with the fear of rejection he keeps sending me. That's all for now. Ciao

Well, I finally had a "talk" with the asshole yesterday. More like a chat. He told me he was moving, shutting down my phone, won't pay me back and not to come over and get my stuff. I was furious. He sucks. He claims he will drop off my things at my mom's, idiot that he is he doesn't even know whats mine anymore. Seems he's either moving into that bitch in heat's house or with that black skank or with anyone else he's sleeping with right now. Why the hell do I still care about him or what he does anymore at all. I want my stuff, I want my my money and I want to keep my phone on, claims he wasn't paying me back because he was paying for my phone. Now he's taking that as well. I HATE HIS GUTS. I hate that I ever met him in the first place and I hope bad things happen to him for the rest of his narcissistic life. He also told me that he never wants anything to do with me ever again. Think I was suicidal before, it's getting worse.

In a moment's time, I think of you and then you're gone, where exactly are you?

Today is Saturday, May 30. I bring this to your attention for only one reason. This marks one year for the last good day I ever really had. The last time I smiled, and greeted the sun and the gardens and my heart. The last day I slept in a bed. The last day I would be happy. The last day I would ever feel the love back.

Happy Anniversary to me.

Yesterday I walked the city streets and felt peaceful. I gazed upon buildings that I have never seen before and the great architecture that they were created with. I found myself downtown, first on Center Street, then on Church and finally on Canal. The street vendors, the hustle and bustle, and yes, the gangs on every corner. So there I was, just me, checking out New York City and enjoying the freedom of being alone and being able to make my own way, with no one's guidance or influence. More comfortable than I have been for awhile.

I met some very interesting people along the way. People warm-hearted and kind and very friendly. New York City certainly gets a bad rep for no good reason. It was literally exhilarating.In fact, the headache that I left the office with was suddenly of no consequence to me anymore. The sights, the sounds, the smells, they all seemed to invade my senses and carry me away to a calmer, more tranquil place. I was without fear or worry as my steps took me further away from the realities that had gripped my world for so long. I had a blast. Even the train ride home made me do something I had never done before, sleep. Dreamless sleep on a train. New one for me, never fell asleep on a train. It actually felt good, but I did miss my stop. Nothing too drastic. But, now it is today.

Back to the grindstone and the slow wheels of progress. Standing still, but still standing.

Well that's all I have for now. have a nice day.

Sometimes, I can hear the wind whispering my name.
Soft and gentle, calling to me.
Tomorrow is here and yesterday is a blur of heartache and lessons learned.
The wind lifts me up and carries me to the shore,
birds fly and waters glisten and there is finally the promise
of good things to come, tranquility and peace after a lifetime of turmoil and wrath.

Sometimes, I can hear the wind whispering my name,
and I want to fly away. Forever.

My dear heart:

As I gather myself together this morning and shake off the dreams of last night, I am thinking about how to be happy again. This past week has brought to me new friends and new perspectives and new opportunities. I just need to breathe deep and take the plunge into tomorrow for once and for all. The warmth of the sun on my skin yesterday revitalized my spirit and I found myself happy not to be alone while I was enjoying it. (Although, I do wish someone had informed me how red I was becoming.) Today promises to be just as nice and hopefully I will be laughing again by dusk.

There were times yesterday that my mind went towards the past but I didn't allow myself to linger there for too long. I am quite proud of myself for that, in itself. I am ready to let go now and hope the water is just as warm as the sun when I finally dive in.

I have four new suitors calling me now almost daily, in fact, and I have begun to allot my time accordingly. I have been busy tieing up loose ends in all my affairs and look forward to putting away the demons of my past forever.

Holidays used to unnerve me, for the fact that I was always abandoned whenever they grew near, but now I have plans and commitments and the tv will thankfully be off. Let someone else watch reruns this weekend, I have a brand new life to lead.

So, my dear heart, I am finally healing and I am finally living and I want to thank you for letting me go.

Today the sun is bright and light and promises to fill the earth with warmth. I have the need to be outside and bask in as much of it as I can. I think I'll pack a light lunch and go to the beach with my Sunday NY Times crossword and just veg out on the sand for as long as I can. I want to erase all of the yesterdays from my mind and for just a short time today pretend that everything is right with the world. I think I can do that. I know that I can do that.

I saw his car at the diner last night, Hungarian goulash night. Sometimes, it seems to me, that routines are never really changed that much. His or mine. I took a little comfort in that. It's just that at this time of year I think back on the flowers and the garden and the sheer pleasure of planting and living and loving with him.

Also, today is a month that I am into a new birthday. As usual, there were no balloons or festivities for me, something I have surprisingly gotten quite acceptable of. Sad, really, but nonetheless, accepting of. It is amazing what one can become accustomed to, the lack of or the more of whatever it is.

Yet, I don't want to spend even one minute today on being sad or relegated to the past. Today is a beautiful spring day and I want to enjoy it as much as I can. That's all I have planned, nothing more. I'd even say that I deserve it.

So, please excuse me while I go find a bikini to slip on and I hope that everyone has real nice day too.

Ciao.

Sometimes I just log onto my webpage and gaze at the photographs I posted here. I look amazingly beautiful, don't you think? Well, actually, I don't care what you think, I know I look great. (Just kidding) And as I stare at them I begin to wonder where I went. Who was that woman that seemed so happy and what happened that made her change so drastically and in such a short amount of time.

Truth is, I was happy and felt complete. I look at the second one, I remember that entire day. He took me to have my hair done, he went and got me a bowl of fruit and fed me while I had dye on my hair. We went back to my apartment and made love, then we puttered around and he tinkered with a new TV stand. We hung out with the girls that lived upstairs and made plans for the evening. Dinner and dancing at the City Cafe in Garden City. I loved to go dancing with him. It was one of the best things that we did together. Sometimes we would dance in the supermarket, in elevators, in the living room and backyard. I was quite literally walking on air whenever he held me in his arms and danced. I always felt like the most fortunate woman on the face of the earth that he was with me. I sometimes get so scared that I will never have that feeling again. And, even if I do, it will never be the same. No one, to this day, can understand the magnitude of that statement, so I gave up trying to explain a long time ago.

And yet, I digress. So I look at these photos and I remember the emotions and the bliss and the sheer joy of living and being and I wonder where did I go. Will I ever come back?

Today I notice I haven't been photographed in a really long time. I haven't had a reason to dress up and celebrate Saturday night. I haven't danced. When someone else forces you to look into your past and then dissects it like a frog in biology, you can't help but ponder all the reasons that define you as a person and all the sentiments that make you that way. I have been so hard on myself for so long, I literally willed myself away from life and living and love. I consumed myself in sadness and pain and depression and anger. It has gotten me nowhere at an alarmingly fast pace. Yet, I'm still here, life is still here and love is right outside my door. I want to be that woman again so badly, I want to wear that smile in my heart once more.

Yes, I still wonder where he is, what he is doing, if he is okay. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and sometimes I still cry. He won't answer the phone when I call him anymore and yes, I do reach out and want to hear his voice, but he is gone it seems and loving and living and dancing with somebody else. I only get angry about this, because he would always take calls from that bitch in heat that lives in Commack when I was with him and for some unknown reason he won't take a call from me. Do I scare him? Does he feel guilt for the things that he did to me or does he actually think that I am an evil person and he is happy to have nothing to do with me anymore? I sometimes feel like I need answers to these questions and I haven't gotten any, sometimes I feel like I never will. But I always feel like I deserve them. After all, I am still here and I am worthy and I can be that beautiful, self-assured woman smiling in those photographs again. I am. He walked away from me and I want to know why. Dammit, I deserve to know why.

So all this comes from the past few days and the trepidation of things to come. I hate not knowing and having to face this alone again. I hate that he was never there for me during any of this, not once. I hate is a very strong statement, yet I do. But I do not hate him, just the choices that he made. I hate that he left me alone and stopped loving me without letting me know. I hate not dancing anymore.

The rain is still falling and the measure of apprehension I am learning to deal with in my daily life seems to be building as well. I am here and okay for the moment. I still have my dreams, more like nightmares, that invade my waking life and seem all too real.

Just like forever, everything seems to be moving in slow motion these days. My thoughts are only in the future and yet, seem permanently grounded in the past at the same time. I can not help but wonder if I will be nearing an end soon or will be stuck in this so-called-life for an eternity.

I am alright with the aloneness right now, especially in light of the current situation I am forced to deal with,( only because I have been dealing with it alone since it's inception), but I am staving off a paralyzing fear that I need that very certain support now, more than ever, and will fail if I do not have it.

Yes, I feel pangs of jealousy sweep over me at times and that feeling of being used and thrown away doesn't exactly help to build any kind of great self-esteem, but I am forced to face it head on. I have no other choice. The feelings of inadequacies of being me are starting to cloud my vision of all the good things I have accomplished in my life and in the last four years alone. I wish and will them away for good. And yes, I still feel anger, some moments more than I care to, and am starting to rationalize that I was the stupid one during all of this and am starting to turn the anger towards myself. I just want some kind of resolution and complete disconnect from this horrific nightmare that has been my life for so long. Will, I wonder, get it by the end of this week? Or, will I have to endure it longer? Perhaps, it is just that Friday was so painful when I had to relive the past so vividly and in every little detail. Not just for the purposes of what brought to me this place, but for every personal issue as well. Maybe, I had really tried to shut the door on all my painful memories and then was forced to pry it open once more. Maybe that's all it is, and I shouldn't dwell on yesterday because there's nothing I can do about it any longer. And with that last statement, I am lead back into that feeling of helplessness I feel about everything in my life all at once. I have no control of anything in my life at all right now. It's not fair and it stinks. No one, it seems, is giving me a chance to be myself at all. I am fighting to stay alive and afloat by myself and that struggle is sometimes too hard for me to keep going. And yet I do. Why is that? What exactly is the light at the end of the tunnel for me? I was so certain it involved him for so long that I lost track of myself along the way and now I am at a great precipice that only seems to grow larger and darker and more uncertain. I want out of this game but am forced to stay in and play the hand that I was dealt, but for what? What exactly will I win? And, of course, that's if I win at all.

Okay, so that's where I am at this Sunday. Pretty in depth and insightful. Doesn't add up to a hill of beans though. My words, there just words, nothing more. I need to feel reconnected to something not me. Something greater than me, a purpose to keep this uphill battle meaningful. A declaration of some kind that validates I am a human being and worthy of the air I breathe. I would love to get that from that past, but the truth is I already know it lies in the future. From where I couldn't tell you, in what timeline is not mine to know.

I just hope it happens soon.

Ciao, my friends.

Although the day is grey with fog and rain outside, I am still holding on to hope. Yesterday's brilliant sun didn't touch my face as I was engrossed with legalities and preparations for an upcoming trial. When I came home from the city I was so mentally exhausted I slept until this morning. Sometimes I feel I am swimming upstream and never reaching shore. I called him last night before the bliss of dreamless sleep took over and of course he didn't answer. I left a message to tell him what I had accomplished on my own. I sounded pathetic. Why won't he even talk to me, what did I do so wrong or is it that he is just so narcissistic, he only hears himself ? I am at a loss, but it is out of my control. He is gone again, living high on other people's money and his own damn lies.

I am still hurt and yesterday's emotional relapse into the past didn't help to bring me closer to the end than it did to resurrect the pain of all I have endured. How I wish this would all come to an end quickly. I was never one to cope well with adversity. The stress of this is going to kill me.
Yet, I have to deal with this all over again come Tuesday. And Wednesday. And next week as well.

I guess that's it for now. I have to start my day and move on for just today. Say a prayer for me, my friends, I need them now, more than ever.

Ciao for now.

You know that feeling you sometimes get? You know the one. You can't quite figure it out, but it just stays with you? Well, that's what I've got going on right now. I can't call him, I can't see him, yet he's still here with me. Everywhere I look, everything I hear, all the things I know. It hurts really deep and it won't go away.

I can't stand being alone. My mind just races like a freight train full of memories. I want to call him and ask him out, but it probably would only be more painful in the long run. Please, God, ask him to remember me today in a good light, don't block me from him entirely.

Once again, I have to reiterate how alone alone can be. It just sucks. Period. I hate it. Where is my happiness?

The sun is shining!!!!! This is really big news. It's only supposed to last for two days, but that's two days of warmth.

It's still raining in my heart though, dare I say? I'm starting to dream about him again. I'm waking up tired and anxious and feeling quite alone. I hope things get done quickly and I can move on with every aspect of my life soon. I would really like to be able to finally do that.


Whispers of yesterday,
grow loud in my head.
I am tired forever
and forever in bed.
I look to tomorrow
to take me back to the past
And I hate I still love him
and pray it will last.

Caio for now.

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That's it for now, although I absolutely hate I am going to sleep alone again now. But, that won't last forever. I am just sad today, and this to shall pass. But I miss everything, the touches, the feelings, the smells, everything. Can't blame me for being human, can you?

I guess what I miss the most is kissing him. I used to love to kiss him. Wherever we were, no matter what we were doing, I always just wanted to kiss him. I envy whoever it is that's kissing him now. I hated that he wouldn't care who he was with romantically, as long as they "delivered." And, apparently, they always did. I'm sure this new one does too.

I guess I miss dressing up and going out to dinner as well. I used to love dressing for him, always excited to see his reaction. I was sure he liked that we could both turn heads wherever we went, but I remember always being meticulous in getting ready in anticapation of that look in his eyes when he would first see me. I just loved to please him. I would do anything to please him.

Funny, and a bit strange I suppose, how some things just come back to you out of nowhere. I wish he could have read my mind at times. Maybe he would've known how I really felt. I don't like any part of not being around him, nothing about it is good. I just want to run away and die sometimes. I miss him so much and I had to put it into words.

Today is the first Sunday in May. The rain is soft and the air is damp. I awoke this morning and found myself reading my horoscopes with an enthusiasm I haven't had for awhile. I read more than I had wanted and they all started to blur into each other. I guess I'll have to go back later and read them again.

Well, I didn't win the mega millions lottery on Friday, probably because I forgot to buy any tickets. (That would've helped, right?) No, so I am still no more better off financially than I was on Thursday, or last week, for that matter. I am still struggling to stay alive and not be consumed with the sadness that has come to be my best companion.

There is a once favorite song of mine that says, "If the phone doesn't ring it's me, I'll be out in the eye of the storm...If the phone doesn't ring, it's me, I'll be out with someone who makes me feel warm" I used to think it was about him not calling me, now I think it's about me not calling him. Whatever, it makes me feel better to think about it like that for now. So I guess all you intelligent people out there can guess what I am not writing about but am still conveying to you.

In any case, I do feel like leaving again. Some place warm and tropical would be really nice right now. Yet, I still have to wait for another day. I hate being patient. It gets boring really fast.

So just for today I will take it slow and easy and try to be good. My head and my heart still pray for all the people and things I want to have in my life, but I feel better now than I can let most of my burdens go.

And, just for today, I will listen to the rain and say me prayers in silence.

IN MY LIFETIME I WANT JUSTICE FOR ALL AND FOR EVERYTHING.

Hear Yea.. Hear Yea.. Hear Yea..


Let This be a a lesson to all of you innocent not yet spoiled men and women out there, Do Not Lend This Man Money ...you will never see it back. He Keeps his own set of books, claiming he paid you, when in fact he hasn't and he's ruthless, he'll use you till your dead. God bless my mom, never once asking for her thousands, just thinking everything was always my fault. That's how pyscohpaths work. And why it seems, it taking a lifetime for me to get over him.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

If you would have taken a moment, just one moment and looked up and saw what beauty lies within me and not what your friends or your selective memories told you to see, then, maybe, you would have seen me.

It seems so sad to me that that ship has sailed.

I am here again, but with a much broader and certainly more clearer definition of things around me. I feel assurance and clarity and am truly wanting to move on with all things in my life. I have come to a realization that as much as the past was holding me back, I was allowing it to happen. I am done feeling small and sad, I am poised and ready to start my life anew.

As the world around me grows brighter with each passing day, so do my dreams and hopes for the future. I am taking on a new promise to myself that I will no longer be a victim of circumstance any longer. I have choices and I am taking them.

I do not know how long I will stay here, I am hoping that it will be only for a short while. Yet, that is out of my hands as well. I will just take it one moment at a time.

Life is getting better and that is all I care about.

Well, that's that, I guess. One night of feeling good and nothing again. I'm leaving in the morning. I need a break from all of this anyway. I hope I never come back. I hope he suffers. Maybe it will all be over soon.

Whatever it is it is.

Okay, I'm human, and I'm starting to freak out. Truth is I could have gone in last Monday but I didn' t because I wanted to see him, now I'm drinking again because I did. How more real does it get? Really wish I was her right now, black, pretty and on the receiving end of him. Why does God do this to me, I wonder. What great sin have I have committed to warrant this punishment?

FUNNY THING IS,I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THE QUOTE EXISTED UNTIL AFTER THE PICTURE WAS TAKEN

IT WAS JUST KARMA,NOTHING ELSE

Happy Easter Friends and Foes.

Well, another night of sleep did me well again. No dreams and no nightmares to disturb me, I am ready for Easter Mass. I have only the promise of today to contend with, nothing more and nothing less.

Two text messages, two voicemails and one email later I still have not received a response from Roger. He must really like this woman with the long black hair.Although, in my defense and honor, for all the times I had to endure the other women in his life while I was sitting or lying right next to him, it was extremely disrespectful of him to completely ignore me like that yesterday. Really junior high school bs.He could have at least walked away for a moment or two and just given me the courtesy of calling me back and acknowledging my existence. Not to mention, owning up to his responsibilities like a real man would. It hurt, just a little, just for a minute and then, thankfully, it was gone. I have more important things to worry about and am not at all concerned or care that much about his nymphophelic trysts.

Well, have to make that call again at nine, before church. Get somewhat nervous in anticipation of the outcome. Know what I don't want to hear. Pray everyone, that I do the right thing.

Easter will be spent here this year. Very unusual, that's for sure. Wonder what to expect, at least I'll have my couch and my remote. I actually find some comfort in that.

Well, have to get ready for mass. I need to have another cup of coffee and really start my day.

Happy Easter Egg Hunting Everyone.

Caio.

Today is Saturday, April 11. All of the horoscopes I read said that yesterday was going to be one of the most romantic days of the year for me. Yeah, right. I never even left the house. Today will be different. I need to go out and do something. I am still waiting on when I will be leaving and find that with each passing day, I want it less and less.

I am not without forgiveness in my heart. After all, just read my entire blog from the beginning. Some of you think I am completely nuts for going back time and again. If that doesn't say forgiveness, what does? And, of course, while we're on the subject...

He didn't come online till almost three pm yesterday and stayed long enough to read a short note I sent him, with no reply. Did he say hello, no. Did he respond, no. Isn't that just the way? But I truly did not expect him too, at all. No, all things being him in this world and this blog, he had probably already made plans for the weekend and did not want to have to say no to me if I asked him out. I wouldn't have done that anyway. I didn't feel all that well yesterday and I know, in my heart, he is not alone over there. He can never be alone. I am sure he has someone new in his life and he likes her. That's just how life always worked with him. I have had to accept that fact for a very long time. And I have. Besides, we only saw each other for one night. It was passionate and wonderful, but it was Roger, not the proverbial white knight. To him I was probably just a booty call, nothing more. His heart will never be mine again, I know that as well. Funny how I haven't picked up a drink at all to help me deal with me it this time, truth is, it really doesn't hurt that much right now. There were no tears in my eyes when he drove home the next day, nothing. Maybe my prayers to God to help me walk through the pain once and for all were actually heard and heeded to this time around. For whatever it's worth, it was good to be with him again, having dinner, watching a movie and making love, of course, and I am grateful I do not hurt, I have too much other stuff on my plate right now anyway.

One final note on the subject, he is supposed to call me by 12:30 today and I hope he does, he has something I need and I want it. No BS, no excuses and certainly, no silent treatment. Let's see if he will come through. Also, I am almost certain that I will be gone next week and I need to have it before then. Like today.

Other than that, nothing new over here to write about. I am growing somewhat bored with the daily routine and the waiting. I am concerned only for myself and am a little angry over certain situations that involve some people in my life that I am choosing to not contact right now. I need some space.

So, although it is rainy and gray outside, I feel good and at peace and am happy to have not drank over anything in sometime. My life is far from perfect, but it is still life and I am not looking forward to the alternative just yet. The only thing I would truly like is to win mega millions. (Betcha he'd come running back then, huh?) Just kidding. Really. I would be on a plane so fast I would be a blur to the world. No, probably buy a house first somewhere around here, with a big yard and plenty of trees and a separate garage, turned studio, as a workshop for myself. Then I would leave. France, Italy, Fiji, Greece. That would be my desire. And I would do it alone. I always liked to travel by myself, until him, but now I am more comfortable in my own skin than I have been in some time. I could do almost anything again, and I could do it alone. I really do not need to hold onto anyone anymore, just myself. I really hope this feeling lasts and grows.

Okay, well I guess that's enough for now. I am sure I am boring most of you with this, but it feels good to get it out and share it, after all if I really do go where I had planned, no computers. Really rethinking this entire operation. Pray for me, I will need it. Thanks.

I have a strange feeling that I will be leaving very soon, perhaps even today and now I really don't want to go anymore. I want to stay around and get a job. I want to just not go there anymore at all. Is bit because of him, yes and no. Just the feeling of being behind closed doors for so long is really starting to get to me. After all, I am doing ok right now, although I still could use the extra help. I'm just not sure if it is that much help I need. I have to keep reminding myself that he is not forever, I am. He is not number one, I am. He will never love me the way I want him to. Ever. I have to take care of myself, he won't. So what do I do and where do I go from here?

There are way too many chefs in my kitchen again, the reason I left before. I want my damn money and I want it now. I want to run away again to Tortola or somewhere quiet and reflective. i want to take him with me of course, but that will never happen either. All I know is I do not want to go there. Help!!!!!!

It is a new day and yet another new beginning. My prayers in church on Sunday seemed to work. I met with Roger yesterday and all went well. We laughed like old friends and at least I can say with confidence that I came away with a better perspective on things. In a very small way I don't want to commit myself to my obligations anymore and I am a little nervous about not taking care of myself or even wanting to on the level that I should. That I need. It was, after all, only for a brief time.

I am still here.

Some days are more like walking daydreams than reality. There was some bad news yesterday with regard to Roger and one of his kids and the pain in his voice is something that I have not been able to erase in my mind. I don't think I even fell asleep till 4:30 this morning. I would so much like to be there for him but I know that that is impossible. I want to to hold him and tell him it will be alright. His love for his children is stronger than any I have ever witnessed. His heart is breaking and I know that he wishes he could take her place. I only wish I could be there for him in some way, I am sure that she will be. I feel helpless, I can only imagine what he is going through. I would take her place to if I could. If only for him to feel better.

Today was a very interesting day indeed. I accomplished much from eight am on and learned a few new things that may or may not be good for me and my prolonged battle in the Federal Court.

First, seems the people that I am fighting against fired their attorneys. Very interesting indeed. This little bit of information means one of several different things. But, as I am on a gag order, I cannot disclose any of them. Cross your fingers and say a prayer. For me of course.

Second, I have to tell you that I had a continuation of that strange dream last night. I was with him again, only we were at her house, it was all so surreal. He took a shower there and I went into the bathroom to confront him and then she came into the bathroom after me and handed him a towel!!!! After that all I remember is that I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. I might even have woke myself up to avoid anymore distress in my waking life.

Third, I spoke with him today. The power of prayer and the confidence of not giving a damn anymore. I am waiting to hear from him again and hope to see him for a short time this evening.
But, everything being Roger in this blog and this world, he, of course, has the last say in this matter. Will I see him or won't I? It is up to him again. Although I can always say no I know that I want to. I know that I need to before I go away. I need to sit with him, listen to the sound of his voice, see his eyes, hold his hand. I need to just be with him, you know? Even if it is just for a cup of coffee at the diner. I miss him terribly. And we all know that he is not forever, and he never was, although I had always thought he would be. I always hoped he would be.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I am going to go relax for awhile and wait on his call.

Caio for now.

I had a very strange dream laast night and it left me tired and distressed. He was there, of course, only, she was there with us. We sat next to each other but did not speak. He handed me a glass of wine and a parakeet died. Pretty weird, huh? First dream of him I have had in areally long time.

A message to my beautiful lover:

I miss you and prayed for you in church today. I have been taken all the right steps since seeing you last and will be going away for awhile. Would you call me before I leave? My heart is getting very tired of carrying the pain of losing you all the time. I would love to see the light at the end of this tunnel, be it with or without you. I need to walk through this pain once and for all and be happy again. I want to to feel the sun on my face and appreciate it again, without having to reflect on the past when we would bask in the daylight together. My life is far from over, yet it is without the wholeness of which everyone else has. I want myself back. I have been incomplete for a very long time now and I want to be whole again. Please help me. You are the only one that can. Forgive me for my anger, my anger was just my pain reaching out. I am sorry for everything I ever did to cause you any harm. I would love to hear your voice and see your beautiful blue eyes once more before I go. God forgive me, but I cannot seem to stop loving you.

As with everything else in life, delays happen. I am still here, but expect to be leaving soon. I have been having a very enlightening week and interesting forces are coming into play. I am packed and ready to go but with the passing days am starting to feel a bit hesitant about the decision I have committed myself to. This I have been told is normal, still I do no like the feeling.

The house that I shared with Roger might be sold soon and I have belongings there that I want returned to me before he has to leave. They are mine and not his and I want them back. All of them. Please let him know. My mother is still here and would welcome his delivery of these things of mine. I have just a short time left, so please if you yourself are reading this, I want you to know exactly what and where everything I am mentioning is located. I am still very angry with you for giving my other things away. I do not wish to lose anything more. I have lost enough just knowing you and having you in my life. Some of these things were given to me by my father when I was a little girl. So please be a man and do the right thing. Thank you.

Dear Friends, I am leaving again and will be gone for some time. I will not be online during my absence but rest assured I will be fine and in good health and hands. I will miss you all and look forward to the day when I will be able to write to you all again.

Until then, stay well, be good and try not to screw your life up anymore.

Ciao

All at once it feels strange to be here. I know I am safe and that it is ok to be alone for awhile, just that not too alone is what seems to be creeping up around me. I am beginning top0 feel alittle isolated at that moment, talking with "new" friends just doesn't seem to make the grade long enough. I would rather talk to my mom but she either won't answer the phone or just won't call. I miss Jeannie too, but I feel like I dissapointed the entire New York area by leaving that house. It prevents me from calling anyone. And yet I am so alone. Maybe Roger was right about me being so angry. Maybe with that I was meant to be by myself. and then I think about all those nights when we were together and she would call crying to say she missed him and I was just sitting there or lying next to him when he would answer and talk her down. I am angry for a reason and I can't hold it inside anymore. I only let it go when I am drunk. No one knows me at all.

The lawyers called this morning, still fighting over discovery, I told them that discovery doesn't last for two years, it has to end. I became very upset, mostly because of remembering him not being there at all for me when I was doing this on my own. The pain just doesn't subside. I wonder if it ever will.

I was safe for awhile, but I left. I went out into the unknown and was immediately thrust into darkness. I am safe for now but I am again all alone. No one to talk to, and feeling it every minute again. You ask why did I leave, because I am determined to do this on my own. no more people controlling my every move, my every thought. I am so tired of being programmed by people that think they actually know me. No one seems to get the fact that I am so sad because of him and him alone. they believe it is only about drinking. FACT: I DON'T DRINK WHEN I AM WITH HIM< ONLY WHEN HE LEAVES. HELLO CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME???????????????

I am scared and feel small. I have been sitting on the couch all day watching movies and feeling bad. I spoke with him yesterday and of course, everything being Roger, he lied to me. Used his daughters as an excuse yet again. He will never change. It actually didn't dawn on me until this morning, which pretty much set the mood for the rest of the day. I really don't know if I want to stay here but I am at a loss of where to go next. And all things being relevant, I am broke. I wish I had enough money to hop on a plane and fly away to somewhere warm and inviting. But I made a commitment here so here I must stay, at least for right now. I am alone in this world and the aloneness is starting to envelope me

In being separated by such a distance of time and space, I am surviving the best that I can, but am still somewhat afraid of the unknown. I am alone only in my heart and my mind. The people that I have brought into my life are both loving and supportive. They are decent in a place where decency is not too common. Though I have been coming here for years, it seems so different living outside the box. My pastor says the reason I came here was to recapture some of the happiness that I have been missing, that I once had when I was here, he is correct. I am and I did. And yet, here I still am, outside myself looking in , not distracted by anything I don't put in my own way. I am alone but not completely. There are new voices on the other end of the phone, they are accepting of me.

I miss him, every moment we shared here is relived everyday. The pain is lessening but the emptiness remains. The only fear I have is that I shall never be a complete person again because he is no longer a part of me. In all sense of the word, he really did complete me.

Even though my days are carefully planned out right now I am still missing him in certain ways. It is lonely without a best friend no matter where you are or what you are doing. My time is occupied with positive reinforcements, yet there is still a part of me that yearns for the past and the love and the laughter that I shared with my lover. The safety and security of his arms is something I fear can never be replaced. i would really like to get over this emotion for once and for all, I know it will take time and work. Conscious work. Hard work. I miss you, Rog and I will always love you.

Ciao baby.

I know I have to continue the story I began two posts earlier, but I have the need to write about what is happening now. three posts ago I wrote about the ocean, the tide, a hotel room and solitude. I wondered the time line and what I had to anticipate. I now know the answer. It is today, it was yesterday and it will be tomorrow again. I am here and have been for almost two weeks now. Carefully and safely tucked away in the outbacks of a distant city, quietly contemplating both the past and the future. I am no longer under the auspices of all those that were so controlling and domineering. Those who would throw me away like yesterday's newspaper so easily when they were through with me. Those that lied and stole and betrayed me. Those who caused me to cry when all I wanted to be was happy. Those whom I trusted and then used me for their own sick amusement. I am gone now and I am not coming back, not for a very long time.

Ciao for now.

I am here, alone and alive and still ok. I am a human being that deserves the very best that life has to offer. Nothing less. Everything more. My heart aches at the fact of missing him still. He will always be in my heart. Always and forever I will love him.

I think my life started to really to fall apart on me when I came home from France in 2004. I was so deliriously happy when I was there and then it all began to dissipate soon after landing back at Newark. The absolute thirst in my body to remain so high on life commanded my very soul to collapse in despair when it all started to go so terribly wrong. I know what did it, I know who caused it, I am ready to face the truth of all that despair right now. I can't turn back the clock, none of us ever can, but I can go forward in the truth of who and what was really to blame.

It was me. Myself and I. I believed in the power of love so forcefully and brutally, I caused my own demise. I am almost ready to go now. Free of everything once and for all.

I remember everything like I just saw the movie yesterday. Our car was parked at his office in Irvington. the guard stopped us at the gate when we began to pull out, Roger had to go in and sign our names into a log for a dinner cruise his company was hosting about two weeks ahead , he did, we left and drove to Atlantic City and made love. We were home, I was in love and life was finally everything I had always read about. Then we had to drive back here to Long Island.

It didn't take long to for him to change his perception of me. At first I truly believed he fought it off, remembering making love to me on the beach everyday in the Mediterranean, maybe actually having serious and real feelings for me. Whatever, there it began, the slow mental collapse of an acute mind and a wonderful relationship.

I close my eyes and I can see the turbulent waves of the ocean. The surf is rough and looks and sounds angry. Grey in color to match the sky, I am hypnotized by it all. I can almost feel the strength of the tide pulling me out to sea as I watch myself watching the water from the safety of my hotel room, behind the glass of the window high above the earth. Is this a destiny I have yet to anticipate? The vision is clear and I can even smell the ocean. Where will I be going to witness this? Will it be today, tonight, this week? I know it will happen, but I wonder the time line. I am alone, in that room, that much I know as well. Better to live by myself and be happy, or what seems to be happy, than to be with others that make me doubt my every word or action. I am okay with myself this morning and I am going to be somewhere else soon. Will I be safe? Will I be okay?

Time was that I had dreams of being in love and living happily ever after. It never seemed like such a distant fairy tale before as much as it seems that way now. I am here to only care for myself and myself alone. It is my right and my choice to walk away from anything and everything that makes me upset or angry or hurt. People, it seems so much clearer to me, don't just want to be my friend, they want to have control over everything I say or do or feel. This is not for me. This was never for me, as a child or an adult. I am not about to let someone else come in to my life and take charge of me as a human being. I am fine on my own. I can make my own mistakes and brush my own self off. I do not need anyone to help me do this.

False promises and broken hearts are all I have to remember this past year on. My memories are my own and I will not share them with anyone else either. They are mine and mine alone. I have no need to drop anchor in them and idle in the waters of misfortune, nor do I want to speed away from them, leaving a wake of recklessness behind me. I am just going to coast by myself for awhile.

It has been a very long while that I dared to go and travel alone. I have been so caught up in the movements of him that I completely forgot about myself. I can be anywhere, I can be anyone. I can live through the day without having to have a drink and without crying. My life is still here. I am still alive. I need not be so blindsided by the pain anymore.

Today is Friday, the day I have been waiting for. Today I am in control of everything. Today is my future and not my past. I am strong and beautiful and I can do anything I want. I can go anywhere I want. Today is my destiny.

Someone remind me that life is for the living. Where is the gratitude I felt only weeks ago? Someone please explain to me that it was a feeling I was reacting to and not an action I brought on myself. and yet, here I am, still alone and second-guessing and now afraid of time passing when I need to take care of priorities and I can't do anything without him. He is now on the government paperwork, all they need is his John Hancock. But, he is in hiding, that much I know is certain, debts to be paid, conveniently forgotten and promises made, broken. Why, because I felt sorry for myself? So I lose again because I had already lost this weekend? Doesn't seem right and doesn't seem fair.

Rejection is a useless emotion. It makes you do things that you would normally never consider doing, at all. I screwed up last night, I drank. I am feeling so guilty and shameful I can't stand it.I feel like I should apologize to the whole world. I am sorry I took my low-self-esteem out on you.

Is holding on to this really worth waking up and being angry about? Is my life really designed to be spent in suspended animation, always second-guessing myself and giving away my energy to self-doubt and lies? Why do people lie and leave you feeling foolish for believing in them in the first place? What is the "gain" in stringing someone along and then tossing them away so easily when it becomes inconvenient to have them with you or be any part of your life? Where in lies the benefit of this action in the whole circle of life?

I am dumbfounded. I truly am.

Sometimes I blame the fact that I am not drinking anymore. Perhaps being sober is too boring for some people. Perhaps I am too boring for some people. Perhaps, and I think I am going to go with this one, some people just suck.

Well, I woke up this morning and I have a gut feeling that I will be going out later and things will change.

Betrayal is not just an emotion, but a fact. Lying hurts. Mistrust is draining. These statements are all true. These feelings are all real, not insignificant, like some people I know would tell me they are. They are real, they are present and they stink.

Whatever happens, wherever the day leads me, I will be with me, the only one I can truly count on. I have no more time for lies or broken promises. I am done with that part of my life. Revenge sounds sweet , but I will have to think on that for sometime. After all I am not evil, just bruised again. And bruises heal. And time is on my side and I am certain in my conviction that I am right and they are wrong. And really, that's all I need to know. Karma is a wonderful thing.

Peace my loyal friends. till we meet again.

The stillness of the morning greets me with silent favor. I am grateful for the long dreamless sleep and the welcoming warmth of blankets and hot coffee. The day before me will be busy and hopefully productive, and so I find myself even more grateful for the solitude and quiet of right now. I am reflecting on channeling my immediate serenity into the tasks that lie before me and secretly praying that I handle all the trouble today with grace and wisdom.

Yesterday I was in court. It was somewhat surreal, sitting there, not speaking. Allowing someone else to handle the case for me. I had no reaction to what was being said and was not party to private conversations that were held behind closed doors. My attorney is good. The judge acknowledged me, I think we won yet another round. That's about all I remember. I tried to hold in the tears that started to form around my eyes and I was secure in the knowledge that behind me, right over my left shoulder, was Roger. The next court date was scheduled for November, but something tells me it was just a formality and that in fact that date will not be spent in a courtroom. I have no way of being certain of this, of course, but I feel strongly that just the mere fact that I have representation after going solo with this for so long speaks volumes to opposing counsel. I only wish I could be a fly on the wall when they have to tell the defendants what they are now in for.

Well, the past week seemed to fly by and Friday is finally here. There is a movie I have been eagerly anticipating starting today and I am hoping to see it, providing everything else gets straightened out early in the day.

I have no expectations of seeing Roger this weekend. He was a real trooper this week, taking me into Manhattan to meet with my attorneys and helping me out almost every day , so I will not bother him with phone calls and just let him have his time again. I only hope it is not spent with anyone else romantically. I have no control over anyone else--just myself. Last Sunday, going somewhere to watch the Superbowl held a certain appeal to me, today, however, I foresee wearing my sweats and watching movies in the safety of my own home, occasionally checking in to critique the commercials. Nothing more, nothing less. I went to waldbaum's yesterday and bought my favorite appetizers and so I am set. So says me this morning, who knows how I'll feel on Sunday.

Ok, I guess that's it for now. I think I covered pretty much everything that's been happening in my life to date, I have to start making some calls and getting busy with living. I hope everyone is safe and sound and warm, it is very cold outside.

Peace and Love Always...Me

Welcome snow and slush and sleet. I've been trying to find a picture I have of my mom's house after a snowstorm, but I just can't seem to locate it. It's really quite beautiful and would give everyone a chance to see what the evening has left behind. Early morning newsmen were out at different locations reporting school closings and dangerous roads, yet as I peer out the window, it looks harmless and calm. I am still relieved that I was able to go into Manhattan yesterday and not today, I would be there right now.

Three hours of straight drilling and intense questions. I was exhausted and famished when I finally stepped outside into the chilly evening air and reached immediately for a cigarette. Reliving the past hasn't been a favorite past time of mine and the sooner we were done, the better. Tears and anxiety clouded me throughout the late afternoon session, yet, they were very nice to me and guided me through with kind words and subtle gestures.

It is just after eleven am, last night I fell asleep at the same time, I awoke at 4:36, roughly two and a half hours later than normal. I couldn't fall back to sleep till almost 6:30. Dreams were strange and surreal and I attribute it to the stress of the day. Tomorrow is court. I don't know how I will feel, now being an observer after three years of litigating on my own. I really don't know if I even want to go, but something is telling me to be present and watch. Besides, Roger wants to go too, I only wish, with just a tinge of resentment, that he could have seen me in action in the courtroom while I was doing the work, and not now when someone else is. But, that is in the past and has to do with the lack of support and the emotional strength he has always provided me with without even knowing it and why his betrayal and dismissal of me was felt that much harder. I needed him in so many ways, he was, in my eyes, the only one I could rely on for anything. And this was so important to me and he was gone, having a great summer while I was alone, barely surviving at train stations and homeless shelters, still fighting this in court the entire time. But, he is here for the moment, I just have to take advantage of the present, since reality is that I have no idea when he will be gone again. I have since learned to rely on myself. Maybe not all that well, but more than I was able to last spring, that's for sure. And, I suppose, that's good thing.

So, for today, I think I will just do some work around my mom's house and stay inside and keep warm. I have no reason at all to venture outside and need a quiet day anyway. Tomorrow morning I have a meeting again at eight-thirty am. So, I think I'll just take this day for myself.

Ciao for now.

This morning I awoke to the news of yet another snow storm coming our way. There must be people in other parts of the country ,or in that regard, just other parts of the state that are laughing at us right now. 3-6 inches doesn't a snow storm make. Try living in someplace like Fargo where a snow storm actually means 3-6 feet. Now that's a snow storm. Yet, here we are scrambling to get that last gallon of milk and fighting over that snow shovel or bag of ice melt at the home depot. I myself am trying to re-schedule my meeting in Manhattan from tomorrow to today. Anxiously awaiting a return phone call, I am dumb-founded to realize that every time I have a meeting with these people it falls on the worst possible days, weather wise. I truly hope the call comes in soon. I need to dress and fluff and all that good stuff and the ride in is about an hour. I am sitting in Roger's living room with nothing I need to start my day, no face cream, no clothes, nothing. Unexpected, we did so much yesterday and just literally collapsed in exhaustion last night. I have good feelings that this case will end before the summer, my attorneys, God bless them, are planning an all out attack on just everybody involved. I can only pray that everything works out for me and that I can finally put the past behind for once and for all. It truly has been nothing short of tumultuous and stressful for the last three years. I need closure and to move away from this for good.

And the phone rings and it's him...what a freaking surprise. I just might have to go into the city by myself. Guess I'll just have to wait and see. It sometimes truly stinks to be second in line with everything.

Back to me. Roger and I met a man yesterday that could possibly have an opportunity for me to do what I do best...write. I just have to send him somethings that I have written and hope for the best. Cross your fingers. And, to my utmost surprise, Roger told him I was an incredible writer. Nice endorsement. We'll see.

So the skies outside are grey and low and it has been over an hour now and no return phone call. I have to be grateful for the little things and just the mere fact that I am sober still and with him.

Ok, my friends, that's all for now. Ciao and have a nice day.

Just a thought that might have escaped some of you that are not fully aware of how to deal with reality or of any form of intellect at all: Roger lies to everyone. See, not just me, like I tried to explain before. You are not special and you are not above being lied to either. Accept it, that's just how he is. Have a nice day.

Turns out I was right. I am always right and I hate myself for doubting myself. He played cards. Just like the old days when we used to be driving to a restaurant with reservations and that f---g guy would call and I would beg him not to answer and suddenly he was playing cards, I was home alone and forget about dinner. Am I back here again sans the romance and the courtship? Right into the neglected, take second seat to gambling? I don't need this again. Not at all.

And, of course there is a game tonight. I really don't want to go home, mom keeps yelling at me to go to a meeting. Sometimes I really don't feel like being part of that world. I have to stay out until 9:30. I don't feel like drinking and I'm not pysched to go home, maybe I will go to the movies. I was never any good at being by myself. I though I would sleep in a bed tonight. I have fantasies of shooting that f---g guy, but it would serve no purpose. Roger chose him over me many years ago and he is forever here. He's even going to Roger''s daughter wedding. Roger's taking the fat demented cow. We never even speak about it, not at all. Why am I living through this again? With every lie he speaks the past comes racing back to me with all the might and destruction of a tsunami. Nothing good ever comes from me being with him, and yet I can't seem to break away. Roger owes me so much. He is incapable of living without these two dark forces in his life. How I hate them both, so much.

I called him, surprisingly, he was enthusiastic when he greeted me and we are going to brunch. One thing I will add to my previous post, was that in his credit he did call me to cancel, unlike in the past where he would just not call or show up at all. What do you think that means?

Well, all things being consistent and being Roger, he did call me around 4:30 yesterday afternoon and we planned on a night of Chinese food and Scrabble. I was dressed and packing my overnight bag when he called back and told me he was going out with his"daughters". This only bothers me because he has used them as an excuse time and again and even if it were true I would have no way of knowing. I guess some things never leave you. Saturday night, dinner with his kids? Just doesn't seem like him at all. But I will again, as I have always done, give him the benefit of the doubt. He promised me brunch today, something he has never done before either, I might add. It is after ten and he has not logged on yet. Am I hoping for too much? My mind is beginning to go where it shouldn't because it will only lead me to one thing. I hope I can handle it and I hope he does call. Waiting is murder and I think I deserve more. Flowers would be nice, he has never done that for me before either. Not once. And yet, he does it for others, I have seen the statements from the florist. What is so wrong with me to him? Last week when we came home from Jersey, I heard him telling his kids and his evil-eyed friend that he was away with his"buddies" in Jersey watching football and drinking so he stayed there for the weekend. Don't you think that hurt? It did. But I didn't say a word. And why do I care so much about his opinion of me? And why does loneliness feel so bad? Why is it so consuming?

There were many moments in every day I used to devote to other people. Whether it was just in thought, or writing or in doing, my energy was always focused on someone else and never myself. Do I have any regrets about that now? No, I can't possibly, because I assume, that's what I was meant to do. But, what the real question now becomes is can I consciously change or alter my way of thinking to bring that energy to me? In other words, can I , without the association of guilt or selfishness, concentrate on and make myself number one? I am going to experiment with just that philosophy today and see how it turns out. Stay tuned for the results.

On all other matters, life is calm and I am sober. I went to a meeting Thursday night and it was ok. I sit in front in the big room now and like the serenity of it. I do not share, but I do listen. No drama and no judgements. I have significantly cut down on daytime groups and I have been trying to apply different positive facets of this organization into my daily life. Aside from screaming and cursing at an ex-friend last week, I think I'm doing a pretty good job> Ha- Ha. Also, I got a little laugh, instead of angry, at how some people came up to me and tried to see if I went "out" again when I went away last week. Too sad that some people have to look for the failure of others to justify their own sobriety.

On matters of family and friends, I am happy to report that no one has passed away this week and all is quiet here on Alhambra Road . Yet, I did wake up extra early this morning and Mom is still sleeping. So that has to count for something. But, I like the quiet and stillness in the morning, I always did. I am better able to read and write when I know it is just me.

On matters dealing with my heart and all things Roger, it has been a low-key week and I have to admit that that is okay with me. I guess I wasn't in the mood for drama in any form at all this week. Even skipping over his horoscopes so my mind doesn't go into cyber fantasy world either. Just taking things one day at a time and taking care of me. Of course, I could probably take alot better care of me if I had a million dollars, or two. But, lets face it that's just not going to happen, at least not yet. But, I still keep my fingers crossed.

Anyway, unexpected surprises are always nice and welcoming and I am trying to deliberately make the best of every day I have right now. Whether or not that means being with or without Roger, I have other things I can do and other people who do want to spend time with me. So, I will just wait this day for as long as I can and then I will try to do for me again. I realize it is Saturday night, and if he isn't having a card game he may very well be going out with someone else. I have learned to accept and acquiesce. Even if I don't like it, I am longer going to allow life to pass me by because I am not with him, that was always the biggest waste of time for me over these last 8 and 1/2 years.

Well, I guess that's it for now, maybe I'll come back later, might futz around the house for awhile and eat breakfast.

Ciao for now, my friends.

Today is my Father's Birthday. He would be 91 years old. It has been a long time since he passed away but like a little girl I still want my Daddy and miss him alot. Happy Birthday Daddy... I love you!!!!!!

I have been gone since Saturday. Plans to come home yesterday turned into 3 naps while watching the inauguration and eating too much left over food from the trip. It was relaxing and quiet and just getting back here, I find myself missing the solitude and not being drummed about or into too many things at once. Life is meant to be taken slow.

I am trying to put all things into perspective right now after being so disappointed on Saturday morning. I have to go back to Social Security and that means an all day affair. They are conducting a full investigation. The thing I feel the worse about is that I was deceived by someone whom I thought I could trust. But isn't that just what I have been going through with Roger or have been going through since the beginning?

If I could have one day of the last eight and half years to relive- knowing what I know now-would I make the same mistake? Would I chose to pursue him still? Would I allow myself to be hurt again? I probably would. That's what love does to me, anyway.

So today, in lieu of a meeting, I am going out to dinner and pouring my heart out to a friend of mine. Two hours of nothing fancy and just plain fun. I can't wait, actually.

So that's it for now, my friends. I have to run. Peace, love and harmony to you all.

It is morning and the world outside my window is covered in a thin blanket of snow. The drive home last night was comparable to a Norman Rockwell painting. The solitude of the country roads were tranquil and surreal. Trees loomed large on either side and only through the headlights were we aware of the sudden turns we had yet to navigate through. The silence was dared not broken, for although not spoken, I believe we both realized what an amazing gift we had unwittingly found ourselves in and we took in every moment of that part of our journey home in deep thought and personal reflectiveness. Only until the bright lights of the city suddenly sprang out in front of us, did we start to come back to reality and to what we both had to return to. Congenial chatter and non - tethered promises of things to come accompanied our ride the rest of the way of home.

Hello, my friends, I hope you are all snugly warm and safe this morning. I am. It has been a week of broken dreams and betrayal by many people in my life and I was overcome with grief last Saturday as I had to come to terms with friends stealing from me and then lying to me about it. I am sure I should be used to this sort of behavior by now, but I am still very hurt in my heart when anyone takes advantage of my good nature and deceives me. Too much stress and overwhelming anxiety, I couldn't eat or sleep and almost ended up back in the hospital again, where I was "on vacation" last week. Not for long, just time enough to re-hydrate my body and bring my white blood cell count down to what the doctors believe to be normal for me.

So, instead of reverting to olden times of drinking my life's woes away, I picked up the phone, called my ex-best friend and sweetly convinced him a long and relaxing drive to the Jersey Shore was all I needed to get back to me. And he said yes, and I feel better. I played and laughed and slept and ate way too much. Naps were the order of the day and holding hands was the closest we came to being romantic. Yet, somehow that was just right. I no longer found myself afraid of losing time or wasting nights not making love to him and just took the minutes and hours I had with him in quiet gratitude. It was calm and serene and felt really, really good.

So now it is morning on the most historic day the free world has seen in a very long time. I am still with him and the business of life is unfolding as I write. But, that's still okay with me. I am calmer now and have taken the steps that will help me to set this act of betrayal behind me and move forward and live in peace again. Ironically, at 12:30 am on Saturday I was in such a good, happy place in my mind and less than twelve hours later I found myself in a quagmire of official documents and federal investigation because of this deception. I truly thought I would break, but here I am and I am calm. I only have one deep and sorrowful regret, I can not trust anyone any longer. I must quietly resign myself to forge ahead in this world by myself and all alone in matters that are of the up most importance. Even reaching out to fellow AA's on Saturday left me baffled and disappointed. So much so, that in fact I walked out of my meeting only twenty minutes into it. I sometimes truly hate that I belong there. But, like everything else from the past I have to learn to let it go.

Well, that's it for now, he is awake and hungry and I am more than happy to serve his needs. Take care, my friends and have a wonderful, peaceful day.

Good Morning Friends and Foes.

Don't really have much time this morning to write but I just couldn't resist since being without for a week has left me "blog deficient." I had perilous dreams last night and found myself with people from another lifetime ago. Guess you never really forget anyone in your lifetime.

Well, it's Saturday again and I would love to dress up and go out to dinner and dancing. Think that will ever happen again? Only if I take myself.

Have to run, have lots to do today.

Ciao for now.

Welcome Back to me!! My computer has been "on vacation" since last Friday, so I was on "vacation" from my blog. Boy, did I ever miss this.... but, I am ready to go again, even though I have a headache the size of Vermont and desperately need to lie down for a little while.

I have heard nothing from Roger all week. I don't really think I expected to. But, all things being Roger in this blog, I have some devilishly and delightfully good news that I would love to share with him and that he would thoroughly enjoy and bask in hearing, but I guess, that's his loss now. Too bad for him, I guess I get to enjoy this all by myself. Perhaps, that is how I was intended to deal with it all along. After all, it just goes to show....

Three people I knew for my entire lifetime have come to pass since I have written last. I attended the funeral of one today. There was not a dry eye in the house. It was all so surreal at times, but it was a beautiful service. Perhaps the crying has made me that much more sleepy.

I am trying out a new project with the help of some friends. Seems there is alot of interest in my blog and my way with words. Somebody wants to look into getting me published. Not necessarily about this particular blog but more along the lines of a true version of David and Goliath.

But that isn't the news. I can't share it online. It would pertain just to him. Speaking of, he just came on and I suppose saw me and jumped right off. Some things never change, do they?
I wonder, do men who never really grow up ever get tired of being boys? Probably has a hot date, wonder if it's with that internet skank? You know, come to think of it, when he was driving me home last week he started telling me about all the great things he did last summer, boating, parties, gambling, fishing, everything. Then he told me that I turned into an angry woman these last few months. How could I not have? Granted I could have made better choices with how I dealt with my anger, but I was homeless, alone, scared, frightened, depressed, broken-hearted and poor, not too mention sick with this blood disorder thing, but to him I was angry. I can't figure it out. I truly believe that anyone would be angry in those circumstances as well. I will pray for him as I long as I have breath in my body. I think he needs prayers more than me sometimes.

Well, that's it for now. I really am tired and should lie down, I might have to go out later for a bit.

Ciao my friends, until we meet again.

Guess I didn't pray hard enough. Gambling and the evil-eyed monster won out. Back to my mom's and then......................

Saturday Morning and the forecast is snow. I could feel the briskness in the air when I opened my eyes to greet the day, instinctively I pulled the covers tighter around me and made my way to the other side of the king-sized bed. I wrapped my legs around that enormous stomach I love so much and fell peacefully back to sleep listening to him breathe and feeling secure when he wrapped his legs around me. That is all I ever dream about. I could stay in that position forever. I always said I wanted to die in his arms. He doesn't even have to touch me, just embrace me in his sleep and I am the safest I will ever hope to be. That, to me, is the best kind of heaven on earth there is. And, I will do anything to have that feeling again and again and again. That is what love is. Nothing more, nothing less. Just that sweet morning embrace and the warm feeling it sends radiating to the very soul of me. Thank you God for this moment.

Varying forecasts puts us in the vicinity of one to eight inches of snow. Big gap but I don't really care about the weather today, I have everything I need right here. Besides, we went to the supermarket and loaded up on all sorts of goodies, mostly junk food. I am sure later we will have to decide where to go for dinner and I brought the perfect "snow" outfit to wear in anticipation of such an event. I am calm and relaxed and confident in just about everything going on in my life at this time.

I only pray that this feeling will last. Amen.

Manhattan, busy, windy, cold, snowing, loud, crowded. Yesterday morning and there I was. Park Avenue, better than Times Square. I made it, I made a connection and I'm feeling good to go. My friend is mad at me with going in with Roger and not going in with her. Roger drove, a suitcase and two boxes full of paperwork, I did not want to take the train with that and navigate stairs and railroad platforms and sidewalks getting there. I also feel safer with Roger in the city than I do without him there. I also like being with him, anytime, anywhere. I'll take what I can get. But, for yesterday and the importance of looking good and presenting myself in a professional and relaxed manner, the car definitely outweighed the train, and really, that's what it came down to and after three years of struggling I was not going to sacrifice anything in order to get this to succeed. So I went woth him and I looked good and relaxed and I presented myself and I have lawyers now. So I can't feel bad for everyone and I have to take care of myself and what I deem is important.

Ever notice than when something happens in your life, good or bad, you just want to run and tell your best friend all about it? Well, Roger was my best friend, and when he was he was gone and I hurt, I had no one to run to. Maybe that's why I miss him so much.

It begins with a look and a smile and a passing nod. A gentle and non-chalant brush against an arm, it's all it takes. The subtle moves of a subtle man. The endorphins start pumping and the heart begins to race. A moment lasts a lifetime and the rest of the world suddenly disappears into oblivion. You look but you can't look away. Hypnotized and vulnerable and holding on for the next sign from the universe. Will it come?

I want that again. I dream of that again. The beginning and the promise to do everything right this time. The hunger you feel for the other person and the feeling that you can never get enough. That's all I want. I need that again. Is it so much to ask for?

Today is Wednesday, it has been five days. Innocent conversations have taken place and life goes on in it's usual manner. I am astutely aware of the fact that the clock is ticking and days are passing and I want to see him again. I begin to reflect on the days spent with him last week and wonder if I should have or could have done something different so that he would want to have seen me again by now. But, that is not what I am striving to be about any longer. My time has been well orchestrated and I have no regrets , only that longing, that desire. I want to go on a real date with him. I want to listen to music and dance with him again. Just like we have done before, but new again.

Sentimentality washes over me and even as I write these words I know what the future really holds for me. I know he is gone, and I am gone from his heart. He has three others that I know about. I need to explore new territories, I need to dance with someone else. Yet, those fantasies loom large in my heart and never seem to fade away. The promise of him is still alive and well in my mind. The dreams of exotic vacations and making love on the beach again flood back to me in all their glory. I am still needing him and wanting him to love me back.

TAURUS (04/20/1963) and CANCER (07/08/1944)

Taurus and Cancer are home-lovers, sentimentalists, and highly sexed. Taurus's easy-going, laid-back nature is a good antidote for Cancer's moodiness, though at times plain-spoken Taurus must be careful not to slight Cancer's feelings. Cancer needs someone like Taurus to depend on; Cancer gives Taurus the loyalty and feedback it needs. Taurus is ambitious for money and security, and Cancer has exactly those same goals. Similar interests and desires make for a harmonious mating.



More About TAURUS

Patient, Reliable, Warmhearted, Loving, Persistent, Determined, Placid and Security Loving

More About CANCER

Emotional, Loving, Intuitive, Imaginative, Shrewd, Cautious, Protective and Sympathetic
Changeable, Moody, Overemotional, Touchy, Clinging and Unable To Let Go

Taureans love pleasure and material gain. For them the outcome is all that matters, and it only matters if they have gained. They are physically sensual and tender, and love to bask in excess. Their ultimate pursuit is "the good life" in every sense of the phrase. Like the bull that represents them, Taureans are often seen as stubborn. However, what some see as stubbornness is actually the Taurean's will to stay their chosen course to reach their goals. Bulls are pragmatic and dependable, and left to trudge along at their own speed usually attain that which they seek. Being born in the House of Venus, it really should come as no surprise these self-indulgent pleasure seekers are also great lovers of the arts and all things beautiful. They need to be surrounded by beauty to be happy. Taureans also value tradition, stability and loyalty. At times they may be very sentimental, emotional. Conversely, there is nothing impractical about the slightly conservative Taurean. They are not risk takers. Nor are they likely to fall for get rich quick schemes. While the ways of the stable Taurean may not suit others, they ensure these Bulls will find the earthly rewards they seek.


The Cancers first love is its home and family. They love to nurture those around them. No sacrifice is too large to ensure their home is secure and their loved ones are safe and happy. They are very kind and sharing. Cancers are also very moody, and often retreat into themselves to regenerate, or sometimes sulk. The quickest way for them to rebound from such moments is to do what they do best: nurture others. Cancers can be very iron-willed and like to have things their way. They are very sensitive to slights and hurt easily. When pained Cancers will retreat into themselves and brood. Although generally they do not like confrontation, Cancers are not above seeking revenge against those that hurt them. Cancers are compassionate and freely show their affection for others. They will set their problems aside to assist others in solving theirs. Being extremely intuitive, they often know what is upsetting someone without being told. They are great communicators and can often help those in trouble with just a few words. Overall, Cancers are quite gregarious. They love to socialize with their friends and family. Their need to care for those in their circle makes them an asset to any family.

The Taurean In Love:Taureans are deeply romantic and very loyal. They value the harmony a happy home life creates. They will go to extremes to keep their mate happy, which, when it comes to love, is no sacrifice to the sensuous Bull. The Taurean need for the good life is equaled by their need to share that life with someone special. Sexually, Taureans are straightforward and down-to-earth. A no-nonsense approach is favored and too much verbalizing or complex fantasizing is not a Taurean trait. This does not mean they are not capable of feeling love. Indeed, the depth of a Taurean's passion may not be understood by others. Music or other forms of sensual, non-verbal expression will strike a chord in the Taurean nature. Very faithful to friends and family, Taureans prefer long-lasting relationships and seek to build strong alliances, although they can be misled by their sensual natures, especially when young.


The Cancer In Love:In relationships, Cancers, the most nurturing sign of the zodiac, seek a secure nest. They are best involved with someone who understands their creativity and will accept them for what they are, moods and all. Because their emotions are so powerful, they seek a partner who is stable and responsive, while at the same time understanding of their intermittent need for solitude, alternating with a gregarious desire for companionship and stimulation.Cancers are protective, even possessive. While not domineering, they can become very jealous lovers when they feel insecure. Although they present a hard shell to the outside world, Cancers are sensitive and caring by nature. As a lover, Cancers seek security and fidelity. Cancers can be deeply wounded if the one they care for betrays their trust (which is never given lightly). Cancers are poetic and romantic and extremely sensual. When with a lover they trust, both they and their mate will flourish.

As I gaze out the window of my childhood bedroom, now the computer room, I see the sun trying to break through the clouds that seem to be hanging low enough in the sky to reach out and touch. I am wondering how cold is it out there and will it snow it again? I have yet to begin to get my papers together for Thursday's meeting, and as it nears, I find myself getting more nervous of the outcome. This has been a long involved case, three years long, I have gone through so much in life since it's inception. Homelessness, biopsies, hospitalizations and of course, the most traumatic, a broken heart, then a healed heart then a broken one again and again and again. I really need a vacation.

I would like to feel the sun touch my skin and feel the soft waves knocking against the side of a boat gently coaxing me to sleep. I can see it so clearly, it 's as if it's almost real.

Last night, I wore a pair of pants I bought in France with Roger. The compliments I received were innumerous. Really unbelievable. I was surprised when a fellow AA asked me where I got them which led to a long and descriptive story of the South of France. I was amazed at the onslaught of memories that came flooding back to me and then the all too familiar twang of that which I miss. I want so much to go back there, and yet I know the one major reason I do is because I was with Roger there and I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. That realization took me by surprise and I had to consciously come back to myself and all things present.

When I awake in the morning I have a routine that I began many years ago. I make my coffee, read the paper and then I go online. My mailbox is flooded with at least fifteen different astrology sites bringing me daily predictions on what my day will be like and love horoscopes. I read them all dutifully and with an open mind. When I am with him I read his too. When we are apart I don't, simply because his is always full of 'new love" this and "new love" that. I will not allow myself to go there when I do not need to. Today was no different. I wonder sometimes is it me they are referring to or the new girl from that chatroom, with the skanky pictures and the promise of doing something nasty on the open fire? You know, if I were a man and a woman I never met before sent me provocative, half-naked pics of herself and chatted me up with sexual innuendos and such I would imagine I would hook up to. I mean, why not? Free sex...that's right up his alley. But there might just be more to this one than merely that. I really don't know, but I am not going to fool myself into thinking anything less but the possibilities. Will he take her to Atlantic City like he promised he would take me or has he already? I can feel the heat wave begin to rise right now in my throat and know I have probably struck a nerve of truth in myself.
And then, I have to see the other side of the coin as well. For all the years I let him in, he was with countless other women from all across the country, taking notes, keeping binders (complete with pics from A-Z) and they are gone into the four corners of nowhere right now. I sorta feel bad for him in a way. I want him to be happy for real not from something he fabricates and can never hold on to. He starts these "relationships" with lies and I wonder what can you build up to from there? I really do want him to let someone love him for real before he dies. He was my best friend, perhaps that is the reason why I missed him so much. He was one of the best.

I don't know if I should let that stay in this morning's blog, it might come back to haunt me later on. Do I dare take the chance? I really don't know. Also, am I the only woman that has been in his life that this bothers? That other "dear friend" of his that still makes me gag when I think of her, where the hell is her self-respect? Moral of the day, boys and girls, desperation comes in many sad ways. I, as much as I hate her, have alot of pity for her as well.

So that's it for now anyway. I am tired of writing today. I am going to go focus on the positiveness of yesterday, the possibilities of today and the promise of tomorrow. I needn't sit here and focus on the past. But, for all things Roger in this blog, I hope he calls and says hello.

Ciao for now.