Just this minute I had a thought, a memory I guess you could call it. It might sound silly to some but I can't believe I haven't thought of it at all until now. There was this special way I used to fall asleep next to him, when he loved me and didn't push me away in bed like he did in waking life. He used to come to bed after me, and he would lie down on his back and say "I love my bed" and then he would roll over to his side and face the door, and I would get right up next to him and wrap one leg over his enormous stomach and I would stroke his hair and rub his back. Sometimes he would pretend to be bothered by it, but he wasn't. He liked it, it made him feel good and he would fall asleep that much more quickly. When, of course, he wasn't pushing me away. When he loved me.

Okay, I've been reading what I wrote over the last few days and I have come to a conclusion, while it can not be right or wrong because they are my feelings, some of the entries are a little harsh.

The simple truth is, I spend alot of time and energy durring any day thinking of Roger.  I suppose I am romantizing the good times and not concentrating enough on the bad ones. I realize, for my better mental and physical health, I need to stop doing that.

I haven't been feeling well lately, I sleep alot, like yesterday I fell asleep at 6:30 and am just now waking up. I have a long day today. I mention this only because it has become clear to me also, that my stress level has increased even though I am good at hiding this and it has started to take it's toll on my body.  I had wanted to accomplish a great many things yesterday, while I had the time, but I accomplished nothing because the fatigue was so great.  Today I will be busy from morning to night and the same for tomorrow. I am hoping it will be benifitial to have such a scheduele ahead of me, and I will be able to stand up to the demands of my efforts. I seem to get tired very quickly these days.

I don't remember any of my dreams from this last long and deep sleep, another signal to me that my body needs rest in more ways than one. It is amazing what your body can tell you if only you listen to it.

I still pray for him and my family and my friends. I have some people out there who need help and are reluctant to get it, always wanting to play the victim and never looking at who they really are or what they are missing in this lifetime. But, I am only one person, I can only pray for them, I can do no more. Roger needs prayers to understand himself and to understand and accept that  the pain he causes to others, not just to me, is detrimental to his well-being as well.  I believe when he does that he will be a better person for it. And, of course, I pray that he misses me. After all, I am only human, and the heart wants what the heart wants.

Enough. Have a long day today, take care my friends, take care my Beautiful Roger, I hope you are reading these pages, I hope you are understanding my words the way they are meant to be understood.

Where are you? I would very much like to talk with you. I would like to see your face.

He was there , for only a few mnutes, online. I saw him and spoke to him the entre tme, in my heart. I will take him with me my entre day, even a glimpse of his screen name and the knowledge that he is still there and alright is peaceful to me. Insane as that may sound. For that was my life for so long. How can I just dismiss it so permanently and completely. Even though he dismissed me. A

And, I know, he saw me too. So his thoughts went to me and I am coming to understand that he probably has positive memories of us too, not just negative, like Dan would like him to have. After all, does he not realize that he was his own man for 61 years without Dan around to guide his every movement? I wonder, will Dan be around to change his diapers when he gets that old? Ha Ha.

Enough for now, I have a busy day ahead, people to see, places to go, etc. Life is just out my front door. And what good life it is today.

Well, it's officially over, summer I mean. I watched all the litle children getting on the bus this morning and I had to sigh. This is the longest absence I have experienced as yet. The entire summer season now behind us, I am finally coming to grips with the fact that in no uncertain terms, he is gone for good. Lost forever to the delusions of dan and whoever is reaping the benefits of his love.

I realize I am accountable for my actions and I take responsibility for my shortcomings, but I stil feel like the victim in so many ways when it comes to him. I feel alone and like an orphan, trying to fit it in and belong to strangers and new friends now. The safety of his arms forever a memory and never to be felt again. The warmth of kiss lost forever to someone else.

I am keeping busy now, days flowing into weeks with hardly time to mark them on my calendar, but, always, the constant tapping in the recesses of my heart and mind reminding me that I once was where I should have been and now I am not. I am trying to find the positive in all my new surroundings, but I am no good left alone, for my thought s always seem to return to him, to us.

How I wish I could gather the courage to just call him, but the fear of being rejected yet again prevents me and in that fear is born the sadnes thta has covered me like a blanket this entire season. Being with him is like walking on eggshells, the fraility of my own self woth when I am around him is unacceptable to myself and all who share in my views. No one shouls love like this, this is not real love.

yesterday I was with a friend and he told me,

 I am what I am, You are what you are, IF I am what I am because you are who you are, I am not.

A quote from a 16th century rabbi. Pretty accurate when it comes to my relationship with him, don't you think?

And, yet, I still wonder where he went, in his mind and his heart. How could a 64 year old man be so easily manipulated by another man and go along so easily without the consciousness of his actions ever weighing on his mind? What happened to my Roger?

Will he ever know what he did to my heart? Will he ever have the courage to even ask? And why, dear Lord, do Istill think of him every day and pray that he is alright and safe and beautiful still?

Something I wrote back on April 22, added second verse June 12th. Just wanted to share.

 

"Be Careful What You Wish For"

What I wouldn't give to get lost in your kiss again,

to feel the sweet embrace of your arms around me.

To hear your voice,

To see your face,

To feel the warmth of you besides me.

I will always love you.

And I love you for always.

2

But, what I really wouldn't give,

for you to want to get lost in my kiss again,

for you to want to feel the sweetness of me wrapped in your arms,

To hear my voice,

To see my eyes

for you to want to feel the warmth of me beside you.

For you to always love me,

For you to love me for always.

 

Be Careful What you wish for, I am told, for it just might come true.

 

Hopeful still.

 

It is Monday, Labor day.  The entire summer seaeson now behind me without even a hint of him at all. I hopw he enjoyed my flowers and garden designs with whatever flavor of the month is hanging around. Hope he enjoyed the food I bought and the cleanliness of the apartment after I scrubbed the kitchen from ceiling to floor. He is a nracissitic bastard andI am finally arriving at how wrong I have been this entire time. My life is full , I can live without him, I had fun and I was well-received. I am sorry he is so screwed up in his thinking, he can't think for himself. How's the boyfriend doing Rog? Ha-Ha.

I am hoping this feeling lasts, but I am more than positive it will not. I am still loving him, and praying for him and I  think he needs more prayers than me. Remember Friends, he a gift, and he always will be.