If you are reading this, I love you still, I miss you more and I want my stuff back.

It is a better morning today than I had hoped. the peace that I am feeling is welcome after a a week of new experiences and old wounds and too much work. I feel like trying something new and being adventurous, yet I really don't know where to begin. Car shopping and apartment seeking ta the same time have left me a little too aware of my financial state. It is not even here yet, but I have to keep lately. There are people out there who are assuming I have money in my pocket, I do not. How I hate assumptions.

He is online right now, I see him there, searching the cchat rooms, looking for yet another willing sex partner. Someone to use and throw aside. Just his cup of tea.

I prayed for him again this morning, I hope he heard. I will not stop, at least for now. Prayers are al I have left of him. I hope it is enough for me to carry me into tomorrow.

I have to often ask myself why I have given such credence to what essentialy is a dead issue? Whywaste even a little bit of my days, and/or nights when I could use utilize this energy in so many ways? Why care at all?

My case in court is coming up fast and I am feel as though I have been dog-paddling for so long, just trying to keep my head above water. I have been doing this alone, he has never been a part of this, That his support was never a part of this most important litigation still hurrts me, and I find myself losing concentration when I reach for the files or have to write a motion, being ever so reminded that he was never there with me for this.

Today is sunny and bright and I am hopeful that I will prevail. I am tired though. Tired and lonely for the affection that I so deserve.  Tired even to keep writing. Caio for now.

It is in the morning

the rising sun

my heart grows so weary

my dreams are done.

It feels like forever

just hours or more

I'll see him again

walking in through the door.

It is in the evening

the stars all aglow

I begin to feel restless

just a short time to go.

The hope of my dreamworld

the promise of him

just a short while longer

and I can feel peace again.

I saw him last night. It was in our apartment, yet it wasn't. There was someone else living there, all my stuff replaced with hers. But I was standing right next to him and I could feel the strength of his arms, only a whisper away from me. I began to frantically search through everything, but I didn't know what I was looking for. He was on the phone, making plans for the twentieth, just returning from her cousin's house in Pennsylvania. What does it mean, why did I have to even grovel in my dreams? He is such a shallow person, he doesn't deserve me, and yet I was dumbstruck just being so close to him...I hope this goes away very soon.

The summer is almost over now and I am still feeling the loss like it only happened yesterday. Alone in a woorld that just keeps spinning and moving and going around, I find myself more and more intensely sad. I can't seem to keep myself from missing him, from longing for him.  I want to go home to him, I want to wake up besides him in the moorning and run my fingers through his hair. I want to see him at first light and know i can hear his breathing. Where did I  go wrong?

There are people who have been very kind to me and tell me that God doesn't want me to be with him, but I can't see the past the proverible trees. I have so much conviction that I am supposed to be with him that the words are falling on deaf ears. I still pray and have hope. Hope is a very confusing emotion to hold onto to.

 

I don't even have a phototgraph

I can't look into his eyes

I can't reminice about your face

I just relive all of the lies.

It was easier with pictures

the pain was so much more real

Now all I have what I know

and how it makes me feel.

I remember i was with you

planting flowers by your side

the sun was warm upon my face

and I felt the love inside.

Then suddenly you woke one day

and you left me all alone

You took the love I had for you

and you were simply gone.

I try so hard, everyday

to come to understand

what i did or didn't do

that made me lose my man.

You were here and then your gone

and I was broken-hearted

that tears still fall

the prayers still call

and your still my sweet departed.

Everyday I  make wish

and hope that God is listening

I ask for you to understand

the pain that you inflicted.

No one knows how bad it is

that I just want to die

and there isn't any photograph

to reflect inside your eyes

or to to feel you deep inside

I just remember all the lies.

And so iit goes for me, another night of dreaming of him, of talking with him and of seeing him. I wish he could red this words, but I don't think that would even help him to  understand what he has left me to deal with. I don't think he would even care at this time. Listen, if anyone out there reading this talks to God today, do me afavor and ask him to watch over my beautiful gift, my beautiful promise, my fairy tale, my Roger.

 

It's been bout a week, perhaps longer, since I have written my last entry.  I suppose the harsh memories of what I am writing about has something to do with it. To force myself to remember and relive the truth of the lastthree years and the the most painful events of the last three or four months hasn't been easy or anything I would recommend doing over along period of time. I started this journal so I could to wash the memories away for good. I thought it would be cathartic and helpful tome to move on from a hopeless and dire situation. It is painful, more painful than I had thought it would be.

I have good days where I spend I consciously make an effort to seperate my feelings from the facts and pretend to be alright with the circumstances of my life. That alone is quite a tiresome activity. And then there are days that I find myself completely enfolded in a blanket of sadness. The tears fall effortlessly and my heart aches. But, yet I prevail.

I remind myself that he is gone; that he made his choice to stop loving me. I remind myself that he no longer needs me, or wants me around, That he has this shiny new thing to confide in and befriend, and share his life with.  

I have to stay strong and move on. But I clearly and so obviously find that letting him go completely has turned my hair a little more grey and my life alot less complete. I force myself to eat and sleep and focus on the positive blessings I have. My family, my summer, my knowledge. I try not to be crippled with the absolution of this loss. I feel like I lost a war. And to the victors go the spoils. How I hate that. How I hate how this gift is gone. That the laughter is silenced, that those beautiful blue eyes will never smile at me again. That tthose big strong arms will never embrace me again.

There were times that we made love and I cried for knowing it would be the last time, he was always going off to someone else, and I would wait in a mess of loneliness and alcohol for him to come back, but it's different this time. He's not coming back, ever. He is gone into the sunsets of the season, taking with him a very large part of me and my heart. He is laughing and loving and living in someon else right now. My beautiful, beautiful Roger. This most amazing man I have ever known, never to be replaced or replicated. He truly was one of a kind.

I guess I should be grateful for knowing him at all, but I am not. I am sad that he hurt me so effortlessly and so much, and I coped by turning to the bottle and then justifing him by being a drunk. My coping skills stink. I couldn't see past the pain, though I am sober now and trying to deal with my heartache with a little more clarity and maturity. I still miss him, I still pray for him, I still hold a secret place deep inside that wishes he returns. Yet, that is where my intellect ends and the fairy tale begins. I don't think God wants him to return to me, I don't think I could make it through this again. I feel as if I have used up all my courage and conviction that I ever had and I would fall victim to my old ways and that would be it for me. I truly didn't deserve the hurt this man put me through. I gave my heart so purely and honestly and completely that I have run out resources to fight anymore.

I admit defeat and will promise from this day forward to let go of the this man for once and for all. He  will never change his ways, he will hurt the next one as well. He has done this before, to others, he will do it agin to more. He can 't help himself. Besides, he's too old to change now. He is wrapped up so well in himself and his psychosis that he doesn't even know or understand the power his actions have on others, on me.  He will always be taken care, he will always find someone to satisfy his itch and he will always be hurtful.

Enough for now, I  need a break from my owon thoughts. I'll be back.