Is holding on to this really worth waking up and being angry about? Is my life really designed to be spent in suspended animation, always second-guessing myself and giving away my energy to self-doubt and lies? Why do people lie and leave you feeling foolish for believing in them in the first place? What is the "gain" in stringing someone along and then tossing them away so easily when it becomes inconvenient to have them with you or be any part of your life? Where in lies the benefit of this action in the whole circle of life?

I am dumbfounded. I truly am.

Sometimes I blame the fact that I am not drinking anymore. Perhaps being sober is too boring for some people. Perhaps I am too boring for some people. Perhaps, and I think I am going to go with this one, some people just suck.

Well, I woke up this morning and I have a gut feeling that I will be going out later and things will change.

Betrayal is not just an emotion, but a fact. Lying hurts. Mistrust is draining. These statements are all true. These feelings are all real, not insignificant, like some people I know would tell me they are. They are real, they are present and they stink.

Whatever happens, wherever the day leads me, I will be with me, the only one I can truly count on. I have no more time for lies or broken promises. I am done with that part of my life. Revenge sounds sweet , but I will have to think on that for sometime. After all I am not evil, just bruised again. And bruises heal. And time is on my side and I am certain in my conviction that I am right and they are wrong. And really, that's all I need to know. Karma is a wonderful thing.

Peace my loyal friends. till we meet again.

The stillness of the morning greets me with silent favor. I am grateful for the long dreamless sleep and the welcoming warmth of blankets and hot coffee. The day before me will be busy and hopefully productive, and so I find myself even more grateful for the solitude and quiet of right now. I am reflecting on channeling my immediate serenity into the tasks that lie before me and secretly praying that I handle all the trouble today with grace and wisdom.

Yesterday I was in court. It was somewhat surreal, sitting there, not speaking. Allowing someone else to handle the case for me. I had no reaction to what was being said and was not party to private conversations that were held behind closed doors. My attorney is good. The judge acknowledged me, I think we won yet another round. That's about all I remember. I tried to hold in the tears that started to form around my eyes and I was secure in the knowledge that behind me, right over my left shoulder, was Roger. The next court date was scheduled for November, but something tells me it was just a formality and that in fact that date will not be spent in a courtroom. I have no way of being certain of this, of course, but I feel strongly that just the mere fact that I have representation after going solo with this for so long speaks volumes to opposing counsel. I only wish I could be a fly on the wall when they have to tell the defendants what they are now in for.

Well, the past week seemed to fly by and Friday is finally here. There is a movie I have been eagerly anticipating starting today and I am hoping to see it, providing everything else gets straightened out early in the day.

I have no expectations of seeing Roger this weekend. He was a real trooper this week, taking me into Manhattan to meet with my attorneys and helping me out almost every day , so I will not bother him with phone calls and just let him have his time again. I only hope it is not spent with anyone else romantically. I have no control over anyone else--just myself. Last Sunday, going somewhere to watch the Superbowl held a certain appeal to me, today, however, I foresee wearing my sweats and watching movies in the safety of my own home, occasionally checking in to critique the commercials. Nothing more, nothing less. I went to waldbaum's yesterday and bought my favorite appetizers and so I am set. So says me this morning, who knows how I'll feel on Sunday.

Ok, I guess that's it for now. I think I covered pretty much everything that's been happening in my life to date, I have to start making some calls and getting busy with living. I hope everyone is safe and sound and warm, it is very cold outside.

Peace and Love Always...Me

Welcome snow and slush and sleet. I've been trying to find a picture I have of my mom's house after a snowstorm, but I just can't seem to locate it. It's really quite beautiful and would give everyone a chance to see what the evening has left behind. Early morning newsmen were out at different locations reporting school closings and dangerous roads, yet as I peer out the window, it looks harmless and calm. I am still relieved that I was able to go into Manhattan yesterday and not today, I would be there right now.

Three hours of straight drilling and intense questions. I was exhausted and famished when I finally stepped outside into the chilly evening air and reached immediately for a cigarette. Reliving the past hasn't been a favorite past time of mine and the sooner we were done, the better. Tears and anxiety clouded me throughout the late afternoon session, yet, they were very nice to me and guided me through with kind words and subtle gestures.

It is just after eleven am, last night I fell asleep at the same time, I awoke at 4:36, roughly two and a half hours later than normal. I couldn't fall back to sleep till almost 6:30. Dreams were strange and surreal and I attribute it to the stress of the day. Tomorrow is court. I don't know how I will feel, now being an observer after three years of litigating on my own. I really don't know if I even want to go, but something is telling me to be present and watch. Besides, Roger wants to go too, I only wish, with just a tinge of resentment, that he could have seen me in action in the courtroom while I was doing the work, and not now when someone else is. But, that is in the past and has to do with the lack of support and the emotional strength he has always provided me with without even knowing it and why his betrayal and dismissal of me was felt that much harder. I needed him in so many ways, he was, in my eyes, the only one I could rely on for anything. And this was so important to me and he was gone, having a great summer while I was alone, barely surviving at train stations and homeless shelters, still fighting this in court the entire time. But, he is here for the moment, I just have to take advantage of the present, since reality is that I have no idea when he will be gone again. I have since learned to rely on myself. Maybe not all that well, but more than I was able to last spring, that's for sure. And, I suppose, that's good thing.

So, for today, I think I will just do some work around my mom's house and stay inside and keep warm. I have no reason at all to venture outside and need a quiet day anyway. Tomorrow morning I have a meeting again at eight-thirty am. So, I think I'll just take this day for myself.

Ciao for now.

This morning I awoke to the news of yet another snow storm coming our way. There must be people in other parts of the country ,or in that regard, just other parts of the state that are laughing at us right now. 3-6 inches doesn't a snow storm make. Try living in someplace like Fargo where a snow storm actually means 3-6 feet. Now that's a snow storm. Yet, here we are scrambling to get that last gallon of milk and fighting over that snow shovel or bag of ice melt at the home depot. I myself am trying to re-schedule my meeting in Manhattan from tomorrow to today. Anxiously awaiting a return phone call, I am dumb-founded to realize that every time I have a meeting with these people it falls on the worst possible days, weather wise. I truly hope the call comes in soon. I need to dress and fluff and all that good stuff and the ride in is about an hour. I am sitting in Roger's living room with nothing I need to start my day, no face cream, no clothes, nothing. Unexpected, we did so much yesterday and just literally collapsed in exhaustion last night. I have good feelings that this case will end before the summer, my attorneys, God bless them, are planning an all out attack on just everybody involved. I can only pray that everything works out for me and that I can finally put the past behind for once and for all. It truly has been nothing short of tumultuous and stressful for the last three years. I need closure and to move away from this for good.

And the phone rings and it's him...what a freaking surprise. I just might have to go into the city by myself. Guess I'll just have to wait and see. It sometimes truly stinks to be second in line with everything.

Back to me. Roger and I met a man yesterday that could possibly have an opportunity for me to do what I do best...write. I just have to send him somethings that I have written and hope for the best. Cross your fingers. And, to my utmost surprise, Roger told him I was an incredible writer. Nice endorsement. We'll see.

So the skies outside are grey and low and it has been over an hour now and no return phone call. I have to be grateful for the little things and just the mere fact that I am sober still and with him.

Ok, my friends, that's all for now. Ciao and have a nice day.

Just a thought that might have escaped some of you that are not fully aware of how to deal with reality or of any form of intellect at all: Roger lies to everyone. See, not just me, like I tried to explain before. You are not special and you are not above being lied to either. Accept it, that's just how he is. Have a nice day.

Turns out I was right. I am always right and I hate myself for doubting myself. He played cards. Just like the old days when we used to be driving to a restaurant with reservations and that f---g guy would call and I would beg him not to answer and suddenly he was playing cards, I was home alone and forget about dinner. Am I back here again sans the romance and the courtship? Right into the neglected, take second seat to gambling? I don't need this again. Not at all.

And, of course there is a game tonight. I really don't want to go home, mom keeps yelling at me to go to a meeting. Sometimes I really don't feel like being part of that world. I have to stay out until 9:30. I don't feel like drinking and I'm not pysched to go home, maybe I will go to the movies. I was never any good at being by myself. I though I would sleep in a bed tonight. I have fantasies of shooting that f---g guy, but it would serve no purpose. Roger chose him over me many years ago and he is forever here. He's even going to Roger''s daughter wedding. Roger's taking the fat demented cow. We never even speak about it, not at all. Why am I living through this again? With every lie he speaks the past comes racing back to me with all the might and destruction of a tsunami. Nothing good ever comes from me being with him, and yet I can't seem to break away. Roger owes me so much. He is incapable of living without these two dark forces in his life. How I hate them both, so much.

I called him, surprisingly, he was enthusiastic when he greeted me and we are going to brunch. One thing I will add to my previous post, was that in his credit he did call me to cancel, unlike in the past where he would just not call or show up at all. What do you think that means?

Well, all things being consistent and being Roger, he did call me around 4:30 yesterday afternoon and we planned on a night of Chinese food and Scrabble. I was dressed and packing my overnight bag when he called back and told me he was going out with his"daughters". This only bothers me because he has used them as an excuse time and again and even if it were true I would have no way of knowing. I guess some things never leave you. Saturday night, dinner with his kids? Just doesn't seem like him at all. But I will again, as I have always done, give him the benefit of the doubt. He promised me brunch today, something he has never done before either, I might add. It is after ten and he has not logged on yet. Am I hoping for too much? My mind is beginning to go where it shouldn't because it will only lead me to one thing. I hope I can handle it and I hope he does call. Waiting is murder and I think I deserve more. Flowers would be nice, he has never done that for me before either. Not once. And yet, he does it for others, I have seen the statements from the florist. What is so wrong with me to him? Last week when we came home from Jersey, I heard him telling his kids and his evil-eyed friend that he was away with his"buddies" in Jersey watching football and drinking so he stayed there for the weekend. Don't you think that hurt? It did. But I didn't say a word. And why do I care so much about his opinion of me? And why does loneliness feel so bad? Why is it so consuming?

There were many moments in every day I used to devote to other people. Whether it was just in thought, or writing or in doing, my energy was always focused on someone else and never myself. Do I have any regrets about that now? No, I can't possibly, because I assume, that's what I was meant to do. But, what the real question now becomes is can I consciously change or alter my way of thinking to bring that energy to me? In other words, can I , without the association of guilt or selfishness, concentrate on and make myself number one? I am going to experiment with just that philosophy today and see how it turns out. Stay tuned for the results.

On all other matters, life is calm and I am sober. I went to a meeting Thursday night and it was ok. I sit in front in the big room now and like the serenity of it. I do not share, but I do listen. No drama and no judgements. I have significantly cut down on daytime groups and I have been trying to apply different positive facets of this organization into my daily life. Aside from screaming and cursing at an ex-friend last week, I think I'm doing a pretty good job> Ha- Ha. Also, I got a little laugh, instead of angry, at how some people came up to me and tried to see if I went "out" again when I went away last week. Too sad that some people have to look for the failure of others to justify their own sobriety.

On matters of family and friends, I am happy to report that no one has passed away this week and all is quiet here on Alhambra Road . Yet, I did wake up extra early this morning and Mom is still sleeping. So that has to count for something. But, I like the quiet and stillness in the morning, I always did. I am better able to read and write when I know it is just me.

On matters dealing with my heart and all things Roger, it has been a low-key week and I have to admit that that is okay with me. I guess I wasn't in the mood for drama in any form at all this week. Even skipping over his horoscopes so my mind doesn't go into cyber fantasy world either. Just taking things one day at a time and taking care of me. Of course, I could probably take alot better care of me if I had a million dollars, or two. But, lets face it that's just not going to happen, at least not yet. But, I still keep my fingers crossed.

Anyway, unexpected surprises are always nice and welcoming and I am trying to deliberately make the best of every day I have right now. Whether or not that means being with or without Roger, I have other things I can do and other people who do want to spend time with me. So, I will just wait this day for as long as I can and then I will try to do for me again. I realize it is Saturday night, and if he isn't having a card game he may very well be going out with someone else. I have learned to accept and acquiesce. Even if I don't like it, I am longer going to allow life to pass me by because I am not with him, that was always the biggest waste of time for me over these last 8 and 1/2 years.

Well, I guess that's it for now, maybe I'll come back later, might futz around the house for awhile and eat breakfast.

Ciao for now, my friends.

Today is my Father's Birthday. He would be 91 years old. It has been a long time since he passed away but like a little girl I still want my Daddy and miss him alot. Happy Birthday Daddy... I love you!!!!!!

I have been gone since Saturday. Plans to come home yesterday turned into 3 naps while watching the inauguration and eating too much left over food from the trip. It was relaxing and quiet and just getting back here, I find myself missing the solitude and not being drummed about or into too many things at once. Life is meant to be taken slow.

I am trying to put all things into perspective right now after being so disappointed on Saturday morning. I have to go back to Social Security and that means an all day affair. They are conducting a full investigation. The thing I feel the worse about is that I was deceived by someone whom I thought I could trust. But isn't that just what I have been going through with Roger or have been going through since the beginning?

If I could have one day of the last eight and half years to relive- knowing what I know now-would I make the same mistake? Would I chose to pursue him still? Would I allow myself to be hurt again? I probably would. That's what love does to me, anyway.

So today, in lieu of a meeting, I am going out to dinner and pouring my heart out to a friend of mine. Two hours of nothing fancy and just plain fun. I can't wait, actually.

So that's it for now, my friends. I have to run. Peace, love and harmony to you all.

It is morning and the world outside my window is covered in a thin blanket of snow. The drive home last night was comparable to a Norman Rockwell painting. The solitude of the country roads were tranquil and surreal. Trees loomed large on either side and only through the headlights were we aware of the sudden turns we had yet to navigate through. The silence was dared not broken, for although not spoken, I believe we both realized what an amazing gift we had unwittingly found ourselves in and we took in every moment of that part of our journey home in deep thought and personal reflectiveness. Only until the bright lights of the city suddenly sprang out in front of us, did we start to come back to reality and to what we both had to return to. Congenial chatter and non - tethered promises of things to come accompanied our ride the rest of the way of home.

Hello, my friends, I hope you are all snugly warm and safe this morning. I am. It has been a week of broken dreams and betrayal by many people in my life and I was overcome with grief last Saturday as I had to come to terms with friends stealing from me and then lying to me about it. I am sure I should be used to this sort of behavior by now, but I am still very hurt in my heart when anyone takes advantage of my good nature and deceives me. Too much stress and overwhelming anxiety, I couldn't eat or sleep and almost ended up back in the hospital again, where I was "on vacation" last week. Not for long, just time enough to re-hydrate my body and bring my white blood cell count down to what the doctors believe to be normal for me.

So, instead of reverting to olden times of drinking my life's woes away, I picked up the phone, called my ex-best friend and sweetly convinced him a long and relaxing drive to the Jersey Shore was all I needed to get back to me. And he said yes, and I feel better. I played and laughed and slept and ate way too much. Naps were the order of the day and holding hands was the closest we came to being romantic. Yet, somehow that was just right. I no longer found myself afraid of losing time or wasting nights not making love to him and just took the minutes and hours I had with him in quiet gratitude. It was calm and serene and felt really, really good.

So now it is morning on the most historic day the free world has seen in a very long time. I am still with him and the business of life is unfolding as I write. But, that's still okay with me. I am calmer now and have taken the steps that will help me to set this act of betrayal behind me and move forward and live in peace again. Ironically, at 12:30 am on Saturday I was in such a good, happy place in my mind and less than twelve hours later I found myself in a quagmire of official documents and federal investigation because of this deception. I truly thought I would break, but here I am and I am calm. I only have one deep and sorrowful regret, I can not trust anyone any longer. I must quietly resign myself to forge ahead in this world by myself and all alone in matters that are of the up most importance. Even reaching out to fellow AA's on Saturday left me baffled and disappointed. So much so, that in fact I walked out of my meeting only twenty minutes into it. I sometimes truly hate that I belong there. But, like everything else from the past I have to learn to let it go.

Well, that's it for now, he is awake and hungry and I am more than happy to serve his needs. Take care, my friends and have a wonderful, peaceful day.

Good Morning Friends and Foes.

Don't really have much time this morning to write but I just couldn't resist since being without for a week has left me "blog deficient." I had perilous dreams last night and found myself with people from another lifetime ago. Guess you never really forget anyone in your lifetime.

Well, it's Saturday again and I would love to dress up and go out to dinner and dancing. Think that will ever happen again? Only if I take myself.

Have to run, have lots to do today.

Ciao for now.

Welcome Back to me!! My computer has been "on vacation" since last Friday, so I was on "vacation" from my blog. Boy, did I ever miss this.... but, I am ready to go again, even though I have a headache the size of Vermont and desperately need to lie down for a little while.

I have heard nothing from Roger all week. I don't really think I expected to. But, all things being Roger in this blog, I have some devilishly and delightfully good news that I would love to share with him and that he would thoroughly enjoy and bask in hearing, but I guess, that's his loss now. Too bad for him, I guess I get to enjoy this all by myself. Perhaps, that is how I was intended to deal with it all along. After all, it just goes to show....

Three people I knew for my entire lifetime have come to pass since I have written last. I attended the funeral of one today. There was not a dry eye in the house. It was all so surreal at times, but it was a beautiful service. Perhaps the crying has made me that much more sleepy.

I am trying out a new project with the help of some friends. Seems there is alot of interest in my blog and my way with words. Somebody wants to look into getting me published. Not necessarily about this particular blog but more along the lines of a true version of David and Goliath.

But that isn't the news. I can't share it online. It would pertain just to him. Speaking of, he just came on and I suppose saw me and jumped right off. Some things never change, do they?
I wonder, do men who never really grow up ever get tired of being boys? Probably has a hot date, wonder if it's with that internet skank? You know, come to think of it, when he was driving me home last week he started telling me about all the great things he did last summer, boating, parties, gambling, fishing, everything. Then he told me that I turned into an angry woman these last few months. How could I not have? Granted I could have made better choices with how I dealt with my anger, but I was homeless, alone, scared, frightened, depressed, broken-hearted and poor, not too mention sick with this blood disorder thing, but to him I was angry. I can't figure it out. I truly believe that anyone would be angry in those circumstances as well. I will pray for him as I long as I have breath in my body. I think he needs prayers more than me sometimes.

Well, that's it for now. I really am tired and should lie down, I might have to go out later for a bit.

Ciao my friends, until we meet again.

Guess I didn't pray hard enough. Gambling and the evil-eyed monster won out. Back to my mom's and then......................

Saturday Morning and the forecast is snow. I could feel the briskness in the air when I opened my eyes to greet the day, instinctively I pulled the covers tighter around me and made my way to the other side of the king-sized bed. I wrapped my legs around that enormous stomach I love so much and fell peacefully back to sleep listening to him breathe and feeling secure when he wrapped his legs around me. That is all I ever dream about. I could stay in that position forever. I always said I wanted to die in his arms. He doesn't even have to touch me, just embrace me in his sleep and I am the safest I will ever hope to be. That, to me, is the best kind of heaven on earth there is. And, I will do anything to have that feeling again and again and again. That is what love is. Nothing more, nothing less. Just that sweet morning embrace and the warm feeling it sends radiating to the very soul of me. Thank you God for this moment.

Varying forecasts puts us in the vicinity of one to eight inches of snow. Big gap but I don't really care about the weather today, I have everything I need right here. Besides, we went to the supermarket and loaded up on all sorts of goodies, mostly junk food. I am sure later we will have to decide where to go for dinner and I brought the perfect "snow" outfit to wear in anticipation of such an event. I am calm and relaxed and confident in just about everything going on in my life at this time.

I only pray that this feeling will last. Amen.

Manhattan, busy, windy, cold, snowing, loud, crowded. Yesterday morning and there I was. Park Avenue, better than Times Square. I made it, I made a connection and I'm feeling good to go. My friend is mad at me with going in with Roger and not going in with her. Roger drove, a suitcase and two boxes full of paperwork, I did not want to take the train with that and navigate stairs and railroad platforms and sidewalks getting there. I also feel safer with Roger in the city than I do without him there. I also like being with him, anytime, anywhere. I'll take what I can get. But, for yesterday and the importance of looking good and presenting myself in a professional and relaxed manner, the car definitely outweighed the train, and really, that's what it came down to and after three years of struggling I was not going to sacrifice anything in order to get this to succeed. So I went woth him and I looked good and relaxed and I presented myself and I have lawyers now. So I can't feel bad for everyone and I have to take care of myself and what I deem is important.

Ever notice than when something happens in your life, good or bad, you just want to run and tell your best friend all about it? Well, Roger was my best friend, and when he was he was gone and I hurt, I had no one to run to. Maybe that's why I miss him so much.

It begins with a look and a smile and a passing nod. A gentle and non-chalant brush against an arm, it's all it takes. The subtle moves of a subtle man. The endorphins start pumping and the heart begins to race. A moment lasts a lifetime and the rest of the world suddenly disappears into oblivion. You look but you can't look away. Hypnotized and vulnerable and holding on for the next sign from the universe. Will it come?

I want that again. I dream of that again. The beginning and the promise to do everything right this time. The hunger you feel for the other person and the feeling that you can never get enough. That's all I want. I need that again. Is it so much to ask for?

Today is Wednesday, it has been five days. Innocent conversations have taken place and life goes on in it's usual manner. I am astutely aware of the fact that the clock is ticking and days are passing and I want to see him again. I begin to reflect on the days spent with him last week and wonder if I should have or could have done something different so that he would want to have seen me again by now. But, that is not what I am striving to be about any longer. My time has been well orchestrated and I have no regrets , only that longing, that desire. I want to go on a real date with him. I want to listen to music and dance with him again. Just like we have done before, but new again.

Sentimentality washes over me and even as I write these words I know what the future really holds for me. I know he is gone, and I am gone from his heart. He has three others that I know about. I need to explore new territories, I need to dance with someone else. Yet, those fantasies loom large in my heart and never seem to fade away. The promise of him is still alive and well in my mind. The dreams of exotic vacations and making love on the beach again flood back to me in all their glory. I am still needing him and wanting him to love me back.

TAURUS (04/20/1963) and CANCER (07/08/1944)

Taurus and Cancer are home-lovers, sentimentalists, and highly sexed. Taurus's easy-going, laid-back nature is a good antidote for Cancer's moodiness, though at times plain-spoken Taurus must be careful not to slight Cancer's feelings. Cancer needs someone like Taurus to depend on; Cancer gives Taurus the loyalty and feedback it needs. Taurus is ambitious for money and security, and Cancer has exactly those same goals. Similar interests and desires make for a harmonious mating.



More About TAURUS

Patient, Reliable, Warmhearted, Loving, Persistent, Determined, Placid and Security Loving

More About CANCER

Emotional, Loving, Intuitive, Imaginative, Shrewd, Cautious, Protective and Sympathetic
Changeable, Moody, Overemotional, Touchy, Clinging and Unable To Let Go

Taureans love pleasure and material gain. For them the outcome is all that matters, and it only matters if they have gained. They are physically sensual and tender, and love to bask in excess. Their ultimate pursuit is "the good life" in every sense of the phrase. Like the bull that represents them, Taureans are often seen as stubborn. However, what some see as stubbornness is actually the Taurean's will to stay their chosen course to reach their goals. Bulls are pragmatic and dependable, and left to trudge along at their own speed usually attain that which they seek. Being born in the House of Venus, it really should come as no surprise these self-indulgent pleasure seekers are also great lovers of the arts and all things beautiful. They need to be surrounded by beauty to be happy. Taureans also value tradition, stability and loyalty. At times they may be very sentimental, emotional. Conversely, there is nothing impractical about the slightly conservative Taurean. They are not risk takers. Nor are they likely to fall for get rich quick schemes. While the ways of the stable Taurean may not suit others, they ensure these Bulls will find the earthly rewards they seek.


The Cancers first love is its home and family. They love to nurture those around them. No sacrifice is too large to ensure their home is secure and their loved ones are safe and happy. They are very kind and sharing. Cancers are also very moody, and often retreat into themselves to regenerate, or sometimes sulk. The quickest way for them to rebound from such moments is to do what they do best: nurture others. Cancers can be very iron-willed and like to have things their way. They are very sensitive to slights and hurt easily. When pained Cancers will retreat into themselves and brood. Although generally they do not like confrontation, Cancers are not above seeking revenge against those that hurt them. Cancers are compassionate and freely show their affection for others. They will set their problems aside to assist others in solving theirs. Being extremely intuitive, they often know what is upsetting someone without being told. They are great communicators and can often help those in trouble with just a few words. Overall, Cancers are quite gregarious. They love to socialize with their friends and family. Their need to care for those in their circle makes them an asset to any family.

The Taurean In Love:Taureans are deeply romantic and very loyal. They value the harmony a happy home life creates. They will go to extremes to keep their mate happy, which, when it comes to love, is no sacrifice to the sensuous Bull. The Taurean need for the good life is equaled by their need to share that life with someone special. Sexually, Taureans are straightforward and down-to-earth. A no-nonsense approach is favored and too much verbalizing or complex fantasizing is not a Taurean trait. This does not mean they are not capable of feeling love. Indeed, the depth of a Taurean's passion may not be understood by others. Music or other forms of sensual, non-verbal expression will strike a chord in the Taurean nature. Very faithful to friends and family, Taureans prefer long-lasting relationships and seek to build strong alliances, although they can be misled by their sensual natures, especially when young.


The Cancer In Love:In relationships, Cancers, the most nurturing sign of the zodiac, seek a secure nest. They are best involved with someone who understands their creativity and will accept them for what they are, moods and all. Because their emotions are so powerful, they seek a partner who is stable and responsive, while at the same time understanding of their intermittent need for solitude, alternating with a gregarious desire for companionship and stimulation.Cancers are protective, even possessive. While not domineering, they can become very jealous lovers when they feel insecure. Although they present a hard shell to the outside world, Cancers are sensitive and caring by nature. As a lover, Cancers seek security and fidelity. Cancers can be deeply wounded if the one they care for betrays their trust (which is never given lightly). Cancers are poetic and romantic and extremely sensual. When with a lover they trust, both they and their mate will flourish.

As I gaze out the window of my childhood bedroom, now the computer room, I see the sun trying to break through the clouds that seem to be hanging low enough in the sky to reach out and touch. I am wondering how cold is it out there and will it snow it again? I have yet to begin to get my papers together for Thursday's meeting, and as it nears, I find myself getting more nervous of the outcome. This has been a long involved case, three years long, I have gone through so much in life since it's inception. Homelessness, biopsies, hospitalizations and of course, the most traumatic, a broken heart, then a healed heart then a broken one again and again and again. I really need a vacation.

I would like to feel the sun touch my skin and feel the soft waves knocking against the side of a boat gently coaxing me to sleep. I can see it so clearly, it 's as if it's almost real.

Last night, I wore a pair of pants I bought in France with Roger. The compliments I received were innumerous. Really unbelievable. I was surprised when a fellow AA asked me where I got them which led to a long and descriptive story of the South of France. I was amazed at the onslaught of memories that came flooding back to me and then the all too familiar twang of that which I miss. I want so much to go back there, and yet I know the one major reason I do is because I was with Roger there and I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. That realization took me by surprise and I had to consciously come back to myself and all things present.

When I awake in the morning I have a routine that I began many years ago. I make my coffee, read the paper and then I go online. My mailbox is flooded with at least fifteen different astrology sites bringing me daily predictions on what my day will be like and love horoscopes. I read them all dutifully and with an open mind. When I am with him I read his too. When we are apart I don't, simply because his is always full of 'new love" this and "new love" that. I will not allow myself to go there when I do not need to. Today was no different. I wonder sometimes is it me they are referring to or the new girl from that chatroom, with the skanky pictures and the promise of doing something nasty on the open fire? You know, if I were a man and a woman I never met before sent me provocative, half-naked pics of herself and chatted me up with sexual innuendos and such I would imagine I would hook up to. I mean, why not? Free sex...that's right up his alley. But there might just be more to this one than merely that. I really don't know, but I am not going to fool myself into thinking anything less but the possibilities. Will he take her to Atlantic City like he promised he would take me or has he already? I can feel the heat wave begin to rise right now in my throat and know I have probably struck a nerve of truth in myself.
And then, I have to see the other side of the coin as well. For all the years I let him in, he was with countless other women from all across the country, taking notes, keeping binders (complete with pics from A-Z) and they are gone into the four corners of nowhere right now. I sorta feel bad for him in a way. I want him to be happy for real not from something he fabricates and can never hold on to. He starts these "relationships" with lies and I wonder what can you build up to from there? I really do want him to let someone love him for real before he dies. He was my best friend, perhaps that is the reason why I missed him so much. He was one of the best.

I don't know if I should let that stay in this morning's blog, it might come back to haunt me later on. Do I dare take the chance? I really don't know. Also, am I the only woman that has been in his life that this bothers? That other "dear friend" of his that still makes me gag when I think of her, where the hell is her self-respect? Moral of the day, boys and girls, desperation comes in many sad ways. I, as much as I hate her, have alot of pity for her as well.

So that's it for now anyway. I am tired of writing today. I am going to go focus on the positiveness of yesterday, the possibilities of today and the promise of tomorrow. I needn't sit here and focus on the past. But, for all things Roger in this blog, I hope he calls and says hello.

Ciao for now.

It occurs to me, that no matter how old we grow to or how many experiences we encounter in our lifetime, we are still reluctant to the concept of change. Most of us, usually the older ones, have set in stone the pattern of their lives so concisely , it is sometimes quite frustrating for the rest of us, who have always been open to new dimensions of life and learning, to watch as these seemingly "normal", functioning" individuals negate all the possibilities to grow or to see the forest through the trees. Instead, they sit comfortably in their lazy chairs of life and watch the world go by doing exactly the same thing they did 20, 30, 40 or even 50 years ago.

My own Mother, God bless her, has driven the same way to the mall as she has since it opened back in the 70's, even though there are shorter routes to take now, with less lights and less schools on the way. She always parks in the same spot and goes in from the same store, even if the only store she planned on shopping in is at the other end of this half-mile long concrete precipice. On Sundays, she sits in exactly the same pew at the church as she has since my father died.When he was alive, we always sat completely on the other side and she holds in great esteem, the ability to always drive over the curb in front of her house in order to park way on the left side of the driveway. If you ever question her about any of these habits or why she doesn't change her scenic view at least once to get to the mall, she will immediately get on the defensive and state quite firmly that she is "quite comfortable" doing it this way and not to ask her about it again. It literally drives me crazy, no pun intended, but there is nothing I can do about it. End of story.

I begin this way, because it has suddenly occurred to me that I am a fortunate person. Perhaps not in love , as you already know, and/or money, but in the simple reason that I was never afraid of change or to adapting a new point of view. Of course, the gentler anything was introduced to me, the more open I was to receive it. If you try to thrust anything on me , I will fight you to the finish, even if you are right and I am wrong. I do know when I am wrong, but, like the true Turauen I am, if you try to push anything on me in a less-than-friendly manner, I will never give in. I always liked to learn something new. I learned the computer many years ago, after moving back home from upstate and getting a job at a nearby TV repair business. It was a Thursday, I started on Monday, I had never worked on a computer before, I didn't have one. Jeff, the owner, lent me a book and I took it home, I made a drawing of a keyboard and read the manual from cover to cover. On Monday, I was both frightened and nervous he would see that I wasn't as "experienced" as I told him I was ( actually in order to get that book, I told him I was learned on another program, but I was a fast student and I just needed to brush up on the fundamentals) well I had that job until I the hotels opened up again and I was back upstate. As I sit here now and think about it, I have to pat myself on the back, who else would know to draw a keyboard on a piece of paper to learn how to use a computer? I have to admit it was a brilliant idea and it worked. That is the best part of the story. It worked. And, because I knew I had to learn this to go anywhere I wanted which I did.

This simple story brings me back to idea of change. Om January 3 I had a conversation with woman I met in my church years ago and just now am becoming friends with. She said something very basic , yet extremely fundamental to me. I am in charge of my own happiness. Simple, straight to the point. Of course, as all roads in my mind and my heart point to Roger, this was earmarked for our talk on him. And yet, it is true. Something I was never willing or perhaps able to see so definitively black or white before. If he chooses to not want me in his life anymore, am I then obliged to spend my days and nights in morning? Do I have to suffer his loss by making it my own? I did almost everything right by him, that much I do know, I loved him completely and honestly and without reservation. I accepted every flaw in his character with a sour taste in my mouth but the hope that he would see the error of his own ways. Need I still feel bad for the loss of something that really wasn't mine in the first place? No. So, I am no longer crying and staying isolated from the world. I am embracing this fundamentally easy adage into my daily mantra. Where, in the past, as those of you have faithfully kept in tune with me know, I had lived almost every single waking minute since I was abandoned on the streets in May feeling sad and drinking away my feelings and being miserable when I had the power to change it all the whole time. I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. I just didn't know, I just didn't get it.

Though, all things being as truthful as they are on this blog, I seemed to like myself much better when I was I with him, then when I was not. I always felt like a much better person when I was loving someone than when I was alone. I was sober with him and looked through the real rose-tinted-glasses and not the kind I seemed to have fabricated since. It was only when he would lie or cheat or leave me and my heart was broken in so many little and unfixable pieces that I literally thought I was going to die, did I turn to my only other best friend, the bottle for comfort and support.

And, honestly, that never was any comfort at all. It was just a means to an end of feelings and remorse. Yet, he knew that and he used it against me. He still does a little, I am almost certain of that. But, that is neither my problem nor my concern, That is his and his alone. So yesterday, instead of spending the day alone and wondering, I went to early mass, went shopping with Mom, went out to lunch, went back to Church to see a Christmas Concert, which I was so happy I did, because as you know, I missed Christmas again this year and then went to a reception following with another friend from church. All in all, I had a good day. A good, positive, Rosie is happy day. And it was and I am.

So change can happen, even to the most stubborn of us bulls, and it can be good.

And now to answer those inquiring minds that want to know what I decided to do on New Years Eve. After three hours of calling everyone on my support list and some who weren't but who still deserve to share their points of view, I decided to see him anyway. I guess you can tell what everyone advised me not to do. I did it because I needed to, not because I was overcome with emotion and hopefulness. I wanted to see if this road was the one I should chose to travel down still. It was quiet and relaxed and lasted for three days. I slept in a bed and it was great. We ate too much food and played a marathon of scrabble. And I noticed things I had not seen before, perhaps because I did not want to or because I was simply too afraid to acknowledge them. And it goes back to change.

When I first allowed Roger to come into my life and love me , I looked around his apartment and felt the absence of warmth. A simple as that. So, being the person I am, where there were no curtains, now there were, embellishments on the walls and the doors, pretty pieces to take away the starkness of the dark paneling that encompassed the whole living area. Flowers, hand-painted stem ware, flattering pillows, an incredibly beautiful day-bed set with my own hand sewn embroidered pillowcases and and my own designed pillows, (which I definitely want back, especially after realizing he is inviting skanky women he meets on the Internet to have sex on this daybed that is conveniently situated in front of the fireplace, I'm actually wondering if I should send him the bill for the dry-cleaning of these after I do get them back) I made his house a home. Even his own children acknowledged to me what a wonderful job I did in making his apartment finally into a home. It is slowly losing the warmth again. I looked around and felt the absence of the warmth I had so carefully and lovingly bestowed upon it slipping quickly away. I felt sad. He is going backwards to being who he was before he ever met me. I do not know what that means. Wiping the slate clean in order to start again? Pretending that I never existed at all? Should I perceive this a compliment or an insult? I do not know and further I do not have the energy to care about it anymore. Those are the exact thoughts that will only make me crazy and want to drink again. I have given him too much time and emotion without receiving anything back as it is, I can't give him anymore. But it was sad, to be in a once happy and loving place, now empty and void of any real feelings anymore. He is back to basics again, filling his need for love and companionship with insignificant whims and flings and gambling. He is so obviously trying to get something he misses back into his daily routine, he is all but trying to clear out and erase the mistakes he has made. I was real. The love he had for me was real. It will always be inside him and he knows it. That is the truth I will take with me today. No more promises of a happy future and living in Neverland, just the truth, why try so hard to get rid of everything that reminds him of me if he weren't trying to forget what he really gave away in the first place?

And, finally, to those of you that read my words and "report" back to Roger on it, I would like to leave you with a question that you can take with you and think on, if you are actually smart enough to think for yourselves as I know some of you are clearly not. If after reading everything I have written here since July and not being able to grasp the truth in my words or being able to read between the lines I have written, do you honestly believe that Roger hasn't continually lied to you about me from the very beginning? Or do you honestly believe that you are special and lie-proof? Think on it my adversaries, and why not write me back? I would love to hear how you really feel about that? Because you are not special at all, as sad as that may seem to you, you just aren't. That's it. Like me, but ever more desperate than I would ever want or allow myself to be.