All at once it feels strange to be here. I know I am safe and that it is ok to be alone for awhile, just that not too alone is what seems to be creeping up around me. I am beginning top0 feel alittle isolated at that moment, talking with "new" friends just doesn't seem to make the grade long enough. I would rather talk to my mom but she either won't answer the phone or just won't call. I miss Jeannie too, but I feel like I dissapointed the entire New York area by leaving that house. It prevents me from calling anyone. And yet I am so alone. Maybe Roger was right about me being so angry. Maybe with that I was meant to be by myself. and then I think about all those nights when we were together and she would call crying to say she missed him and I was just sitting there or lying next to him when he would answer and talk her down. I am angry for a reason and I can't hold it inside anymore. I only let it go when I am drunk. No one knows me at all.

The lawyers called this morning, still fighting over discovery, I told them that discovery doesn't last for two years, it has to end. I became very upset, mostly because of remembering him not being there at all for me when I was doing this on my own. The pain just doesn't subside. I wonder if it ever will.

I was safe for awhile, but I left. I went out into the unknown and was immediately thrust into darkness. I am safe for now but I am again all alone. No one to talk to, and feeling it every minute again. You ask why did I leave, because I am determined to do this on my own. no more people controlling my every move, my every thought. I am so tired of being programmed by people that think they actually know me. No one seems to get the fact that I am so sad because of him and him alone. they believe it is only about drinking. FACT: I DON'T DRINK WHEN I AM WITH HIM< ONLY WHEN HE LEAVES. HELLO CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME???????????????

I am scared and feel small. I have been sitting on the couch all day watching movies and feeling bad. I spoke with him yesterday and of course, everything being Roger, he lied to me. Used his daughters as an excuse yet again. He will never change. It actually didn't dawn on me until this morning, which pretty much set the mood for the rest of the day. I really don't know if I want to stay here but I am at a loss of where to go next. And all things being relevant, I am broke. I wish I had enough money to hop on a plane and fly away to somewhere warm and inviting. But I made a commitment here so here I must stay, at least for right now. I am alone in this world and the aloneness is starting to envelope me