In being separated by such a distance of time and space, I am surviving the best that I can, but am still somewhat afraid of the unknown. I am alone only in my heart and my mind. The people that I have brought into my life are both loving and supportive. They are decent in a place where decency is not too common. Though I have been coming here for years, it seems so different living outside the box. My pastor says the reason I came here was to recapture some of the happiness that I have been missing, that I once had when I was here, he is correct. I am and I did. And yet, here I still am, outside myself looking in , not distracted by anything I don't put in my own way. I am alone but not completely. There are new voices on the other end of the phone, they are accepting of me.

I miss him, every moment we shared here is relived everyday. The pain is lessening but the emptiness remains. The only fear I have is that I shall never be a complete person again because he is no longer a part of me. In all sense of the word, he really did complete me.

Even though my days are carefully planned out right now I am still missing him in certain ways. It is lonely without a best friend no matter where you are or what you are doing. My time is occupied with positive reinforcements, yet there is still a part of me that yearns for the past and the love and the laughter that I shared with my lover. The safety and security of his arms is something I fear can never be replaced. i would really like to get over this emotion for once and for all, I know it will take time and work. Conscious work. Hard work. I miss you, Rog and I will always love you.

Ciao baby.

I know I have to continue the story I began two posts earlier, but I have the need to write about what is happening now. three posts ago I wrote about the ocean, the tide, a hotel room and solitude. I wondered the time line and what I had to anticipate. I now know the answer. It is today, it was yesterday and it will be tomorrow again. I am here and have been for almost two weeks now. Carefully and safely tucked away in the outbacks of a distant city, quietly contemplating both the past and the future. I am no longer under the auspices of all those that were so controlling and domineering. Those who would throw me away like yesterday's newspaper so easily when they were through with me. Those that lied and stole and betrayed me. Those who caused me to cry when all I wanted to be was happy. Those whom I trusted and then used me for their own sick amusement. I am gone now and I am not coming back, not for a very long time.

Ciao for now.

I am here, alone and alive and still ok. I am a human being that deserves the very best that life has to offer. Nothing less. Everything more. My heart aches at the fact of missing him still. He will always be in my heart. Always and forever I will love him.

I think my life started to really to fall apart on me when I came home from France in 2004. I was so deliriously happy when I was there and then it all began to dissipate soon after landing back at Newark. The absolute thirst in my body to remain so high on life commanded my very soul to collapse in despair when it all started to go so terribly wrong. I know what did it, I know who caused it, I am ready to face the truth of all that despair right now. I can't turn back the clock, none of us ever can, but I can go forward in the truth of who and what was really to blame.

It was me. Myself and I. I believed in the power of love so forcefully and brutally, I caused my own demise. I am almost ready to go now. Free of everything once and for all.

I remember everything like I just saw the movie yesterday. Our car was parked at his office in Irvington. the guard stopped us at the gate when we began to pull out, Roger had to go in and sign our names into a log for a dinner cruise his company was hosting about two weeks ahead , he did, we left and drove to Atlantic City and made love. We were home, I was in love and life was finally everything I had always read about. Then we had to drive back here to Long Island.

It didn't take long to for him to change his perception of me. At first I truly believed he fought it off, remembering making love to me on the beach everyday in the Mediterranean, maybe actually having serious and real feelings for me. Whatever, there it began, the slow mental collapse of an acute mind and a wonderful relationship.

I close my eyes and I can see the turbulent waves of the ocean. The surf is rough and looks and sounds angry. Grey in color to match the sky, I am hypnotized by it all. I can almost feel the strength of the tide pulling me out to sea as I watch myself watching the water from the safety of my hotel room, behind the glass of the window high above the earth. Is this a destiny I have yet to anticipate? The vision is clear and I can even smell the ocean. Where will I be going to witness this? Will it be today, tonight, this week? I know it will happen, but I wonder the time line. I am alone, in that room, that much I know as well. Better to live by myself and be happy, or what seems to be happy, than to be with others that make me doubt my every word or action. I am okay with myself this morning and I am going to be somewhere else soon. Will I be safe? Will I be okay?

Time was that I had dreams of being in love and living happily ever after. It never seemed like such a distant fairy tale before as much as it seems that way now. I am here to only care for myself and myself alone. It is my right and my choice to walk away from anything and everything that makes me upset or angry or hurt. People, it seems so much clearer to me, don't just want to be my friend, they want to have control over everything I say or do or feel. This is not for me. This was never for me, as a child or an adult. I am not about to let someone else come in to my life and take charge of me as a human being. I am fine on my own. I can make my own mistakes and brush my own self off. I do not need anyone to help me do this.

False promises and broken hearts are all I have to remember this past year on. My memories are my own and I will not share them with anyone else either. They are mine and mine alone. I have no need to drop anchor in them and idle in the waters of misfortune, nor do I want to speed away from them, leaving a wake of recklessness behind me. I am just going to coast by myself for awhile.

It has been a very long while that I dared to go and travel alone. I have been so caught up in the movements of him that I completely forgot about myself. I can be anywhere, I can be anyone. I can live through the day without having to have a drink and without crying. My life is still here. I am still alive. I need not be so blindsided by the pain anymore.

Today is Friday, the day I have been waiting for. Today I am in control of everything. Today is my future and not my past. I am strong and beautiful and I can do anything I want. I can go anywhere I want. Today is my destiny.

Someone remind me that life is for the living. Where is the gratitude I felt only weeks ago? Someone please explain to me that it was a feeling I was reacting to and not an action I brought on myself. and yet, here I am, still alone and second-guessing and now afraid of time passing when I need to take care of priorities and I can't do anything without him. He is now on the government paperwork, all they need is his John Hancock. But, he is in hiding, that much I know is certain, debts to be paid, conveniently forgotten and promises made, broken. Why, because I felt sorry for myself? So I lose again because I had already lost this weekend? Doesn't seem right and doesn't seem fair.

Rejection is a useless emotion. It makes you do things that you would normally never consider doing, at all. I screwed up last night, I drank. I am feeling so guilty and shameful I can't stand it.I feel like I should apologize to the whole world. I am sorry I took my low-self-esteem out on you.