Good morning friends. Its looking beautiful outside. I have some news to share with you all. Yesterday , it seems, all my prayers and yours for me (thank you and keep it up) were answered.

I now have a re-confirmed faith that there is a man ( or woman) upstairs who is watching, and listening , and more importantly, hearing my prayers.

I was on line, of course, and received an im from you know who. Just like that, he blinked first.

It started out just like it was supposed to, how it would normally begin, two ex-lovers trying to put the right words on the screen, trying to see what was left after such destruction and despair, and perhaps guilt, by one of us, (hint, not me) and getting caught up in the awkardness of the moment. I could feel his strain from over here. I couldn't glance away , not for a moment, but I did stay focused and put an effort to consistently and consciously remind myself that he holds my heart in a much different way right now and it would take a million people to move a mountain for me to succumb so easily and allow myself to be hurt again severely. If alcohol doesn't kill me, he will. By the way, received a coin for last night in honor of my sobriety.

Yet, I was captivatied by every word he wrote. I didn't even have to close my eyes to see him there, at his desk, with his cigarettes and his belly. (I really loved his belly) Ok, I can be weird too sometimes. I admit it.

We spoke, wrote for almost an hour. I actually laughed out loud, very heartily and loud, at the misfortunes he seems to have befallen since that dreadful morning in May when he told me he didn't want to love me anymore. I'm wondering, is that a bad thing, to laugh at another's total misfortunes? It probably is, but perhaps in this particular case, God will forgive me. It truly was hilarious. And Roger always could tell a good story, one of those loveable gifts that he always had.

We did speak of what had happened and he did offer a lame version of an apology, here's a hint Roger, maybe you should say your sorry with flowers or jewelery(since I never did get to hold onto any you gave me) or even by offering me to come and get my stuff back now. It's just a thought.

He mentioned he reads my blog, or has, I didn't want to press him and I am not sure he has seen it since I moved it to here. Put in the pictures of us. Etc.

He did mention that he went to a wedding in LA, and I am wondering if he took that skank from Vegas with him. Probably did, I neither inquired or really want to know anything about that trip. I can only stay sober and take care of myself if I am out of certain loops.

I did bring up the reason why we parted and I feel the need to copy it verbatum, to remind myself and let you, my faithful readers, have your own insight into this egnima I call a gift.

HIM : very happy you doing so good ME after everything we had shared, I don't really know if you mean that HIM: i do HIM: u had to stand on your own 2 feet by yourself HIM: its called self confidence HIM : hope your drinking under control ME : I really do not know how to respond to you at this time, I remember everything, good and bad , I don't think I can go back there right now with you ok?ME: Tonight is coin night for me.HIM : ? ME: make a month, get a coin, make 2, get a coin, etc.HIM :ok good ME:Did you ever read my blog?HIM: never look back look ahead life will be wonderful for you againHIM:yes i did ME : when?HIM: off and on ME:life will never be as wonderful for me because you are no longer a part of it for me ME : you never knew how much I cared for you, what you really meant to me HIM :sorry about thatME : sorry about what exactly?HIM: but we both at times where just not good for each other HIM :both had issues ME:we stopped being good for each other when you started loving dan more than me. Simple as that, before that it was just you and me against the world. We would fight but we would heal, usually in eachother's arms, and then we were ok again, I still feel like an incomplete person at times, I wasn't done loving you yet HIM: dan was just a friend ME : dan was your whole life and I turned into the third wheel and that's just what dan wanted and you were either too naive to see it or wanted him more, I'm betting on the latter.HIM : ok as u wish ME right, what's the point, there is no healing that is going to happen anymore is it, so really what's the point, getting mistied eyed over here too, and I sure as hell don't want to cry over you anymore.

Nothing really accomplished, as I re-read the words, and now he is in that stupid chat room I love older men again.

I meant what I said about being incomplete at times, and I really hate it when he tells me I will have a wonderful life and I really really HATE it that he said he left me homeless and vulnerable to a relapse because I needed to gain self-confidence. How convenient for him to dismiss his own desires of that time only to put them on me as my shortcomings. I was very happy at that time, sure would have liked to have made love more, alot more actually, but he was busy planting his seeds with dan for the summer. If he only knew the real horrors of the summer, (what am I saying he probably wouldn't even care.) Hey Parkuntil____ meet anyone in that chat room yet?

So that's it folks, an hour of conversation and I was delighted, but I am here, in the moment, and my moment right now is positive and hopeful and promising, not burdened with the shoulda's, woulda's, coulda's any longer. And for that small miracle to happen in my life right now is plenty for me to be grateful for.

Sometimes, when I think of Roger and all he meant to me and how much I truly loved him, (ok, still do at times) I hear this one particular song in my mind from the musical Jesus Christ Superstar, "He's just a man" so for all the many times in my heart and in my mind and in my life that I put him on a pedestal and think he is amazing, (which he is at times, only not consistently, sad enough) I have to remember he is just a man and only I have the power to create the truth or distort that image in my
mind.

Today's thought for the day from my 24 hour book:

AS you look back over the your life, it is not dificult to believe that what you went through was for a purpose, to prepare you for some valuable work in life. Everything in your life may well have been planned by God to make you of some use in this world. Each person's life is like the pattern of a mosaic, and each tiny stone fits into the perfect pattern of the mosaic of your life, which has been designed by God.

Caoi for now.