Sigmond Freud was onto something. While I can't honestly quote anything he said with complete accuracy, I can get the gist of his intentions when I hear those Freudian slips coming out of my ex's mouth. He always had this habit of letting me know what he was up to without saying anything directly. My sister says it's part of his sickness. All I know is that after eight years of dealing with his "indirectness and innuendos" I pretty much know when and if he is pulling the wool over my eyes.

Case in point, last night at dinner. He did it again. Just like that, and with no basis or segue into the conversation, he casually dropped the information that a "friend" is coming in from out of town on an evening flight.

First of all, the only "friends" he has are female, usually old and fat and all too willing to do anything for him. Not high caliber, rarely seen twice and met by him online to fill his carnal desires and re-emphasize the fact that he still "has it". No one, by any means, to take home to mommy.

So , where exactly does that leave me, in my mind, when I am still trying to rationalize "us" and
any chance that I thought we did or didn't have in this lifetime of ever being together? I must admit, I am clueless. I believe it was in between the salad and the veal parmigiana that this bit of information "slipped" out. I gave no reaction, nothing. Not a jealous twinkle in my eyes, but that's from years of practice and probably also from being so ignorant(before now). But, I heard and I listened. There was no mention of a date or a time, although given this time of year I am sure it is soon and somehow has to do with the holidays.

I haven't even asked him about the holidays because I dare not. Why make myself sad over something I have no control over? Why bring myself to a place that will only lead me back into the dark?

So, I have learned, don't ask= don't know, don't know= don't cry, don't cry = don't drink.

Yet, he wanted to tell me. So I let him and he carefully pretended by saying he what he meant was his all time staple of an excuse, his brother. I never flinched, I simply let it go. There is nothing I can do about him not wanting to love me, nothing. I wished he looked at me and realized the good that is in me and not be so consumed with the fear of being ridiculed and chastised by his friends. I wish he could come to terms with the fact that I was never his enemy and only wanted to love him. Maybe I do love him too much, or did at one time, but in my own defense, the love I bestowed on him was highly worth it, the love that can make mere mortals jealous and turn women to stone. (Hey I like that) What I mean is what I have been saying all along, that I never loved any man like I have Roger, and it was honest and pure and all-giving. I was never selfish and always put him first. Forgiving him a thousand times and a thousand times loving him more.

I know he will never come back to me in the way I would want him too. He has carved too many crosses against me with everyone else in his life. Although he would never admit that to himself or anyone else. But, I am who I am and the hearts wants what the heart wants and I will have him right now, sweet kisses and beautiful eyes, until he drives to the airport and picks up his "friend", oh, I mean his "brother" of course.

And then there was today. He did it again. Saying he was going one place when he was going somewhere else. Telling me a half truth when the whole truth is what I needed to hear. I deserve that much. Remember, he blinked first. He opened the door for me. I can't play these childish games if I don't know the rules. And wouldn't it be up to me to decide if I even wanted to play in the first place? What are you doing Roger, huh? Why do you treat me with such wanton disregard?


Caio for now.