Well, I'm here. He said yes to going away yesterday, but as the day grew longer and the rain became steadier, we opted for simpler activities closer to home. All at once familiar and unassuming, we settled into a well orchestrated Saturday afternoon. Manicures and cell phones, shopping and an early dinner, (which by the way was excellent!!!!)

It seemed as if not a day went by that interrupted our rhythm on knowing what to do, where to go or how to be. It feels good to have my real phone back, it felt good sleeping in a bed again, though I awoke early as usual and he is still snoring. The worst part of early morning in this, my old and once so comfortable home, is the multitude of thoughts running through my head.

Where is my stuff, I wonder? I gaze around and notice things missing and have to wonder, who did he give them to? Jewelery, wall mirrors that I bought at an antique fair and of course my first hand embroidered pillowcases that graced my fireplace daybed. I sit still in the living room, listening to him in his dream world and try not hate the fact I was homeless for so long and he was here with his minions of girlfriends and of, course, the ugly man.

And there are the new things. What did I miss this past summer? New furniture outside indicates large gatherings with tiki lights or perhaps more romantic summer nights as well. A hammock I would have wanted to love him in under the sun and stars, as we had before. The little subtle reminders of a season and a time not to be had again and what is was and how it went and why is he back again?

There is however something here that can simply not be dismissed or hidden or given away. My saving grace. It is the spirit of me, and it no longer belongs in the carefully placed adornments I decorated this home with. It is a live and viable emotion that emanates from every room. Before me there was a lifeless cold and unwelcoming presence that greeted you when you stepped inside. Now it is a warm hug from a friend that embraces you and makes this house a home. I did that and I will take full credit for it too. Because of me and my feelings for him, that were once so strong and viable, it is now filled with love.

I wonder though, if I did the right thing by being here, by being vulnerable. I was all consumed with doubts and fears and certain withdrawal symptoms after dinner on Wednesday. Waiting for that call that never came and hoping to reach the next level again. I know that I have opened my heart to raw emotion and wonder if I am able to stay strong and focused on myself when it is so damn easy to get lost in his arms and his overall presence. I guess there is no going backwards, there is only forward and today, like so many days before with the promise of a new start and a warm season, but also with the knowledge that promises here are always broken and the truth is
cold and plain to see. Will I survive the next- however- long and come out safe on the other side?

And even now, writing these words and knowing he will read them, will I scare him away with my doubts? Will he take my feelings and become afraid for me and run? Will he think on the faith that I bestow in him each and every time he comes to me or will he fall backwards out of fear and self-doubt?

I am at a crossroads again. Wanting him to react positively but nonetheless being honest with myself. I want him to remember who he is, what he has and that he is a gift. My gift. I don't want to scare him away, but I don't want him as before, I want that incredible man whom I fell in love with so many years and broken dreams before. I want my beautiful Roger.

And I will pray again today that I will have him.