There are certain things I need to remember and certain things I need to forget.

I need to remember the warmth of my family and friends and the gratitude I know for each new day I have. I need to remember the pain and loss and ex-communication I had lived with daily over the last few months. I need to remember that so I won't re-live it, ever. So that I can appreciate the time I have right now, without a drink and without loneliness. That I, in fact, have a life that promises me more good and rewarding things and no longer centers on the negative.

I would like to say I need to forget about him, but I can't. But I do need to forget the possibilities of him. There aren't going to be any and it would not benefit me in any way to think otherwise. I cannot be true to myself if I live in a fantasy world. I have only the day in front of me. With him or without him, just as it is. In God's time, not mine. I can no longer hide under the covers because I am alone or sad. I need to be out with the people that know me the best. I need to feel the connection of light and meaning and forget the doubts and untruths that sometime interrupt my days. I need to forget the options of a world that is no longer mine and not mourn them anymore. I need to remember the options that are already upon me.

I feel like I was living in an alternate universe this past week. My real world outside with phone calls and meetings and cupcakes. Knowing what to say and how to act for the world I have enveloped myself in for help and guidance and support. But, I wasn't paying attention this week, even though I was there, physically, I was alone in my emotions and thoughts and my inner conflict. I didn't "share" what was happening to me for fear that I would be punished by taking such a huge risk and mostly because, I was happy and I did not want my happiness to be taken away from me at all. So, I went it alone this week, and I am not sure how I did. Good or bad?

I do not know what will happen an hour from now, let alone a week, but I do know that I need my friends to walk me through it. I don't have to be alone, ever. So it is.

I no longer have the patience or the energy to think on every word or action that was taken these last two days. Unlike in the past when I was consumed with self-doubt over anything that pertained to Roger and our time together being perfect , I realize now that I have better things to concentrate on. I no longer have the need to be so critical of myself and have come to understand that who I am is who I was meant to be.


I think I'll stop writing now, I need to rest some more. I just want to add one more thing. I had a nice time, I really did, not that I wouldn't of loved to have gone away with him, but for what it was this weekend it was worth staying home for. I only hope he feels the same way.

Caio for now.