Good morning to the rest of my morning and the rest of my life.

I am happy to report I have no recollection of any dreams I may or may not have had last night. I am starting today with a fresh attitude and clean slate. Granted though, it is Sunday and this day, as you know, is full of sweet memories and they seem to always come back to me stronger than some of the others. I am saddened by the past and yet I know I have to look to the future to make things right again...for me.

Again, as I did on Friday, I will be leaving this blog at an early hour, so that I may not get too worn down emotionally by staying online all day. I will go outside and meet some friends, then to church .

I am getting tired too quickly too frequently again. I have been trying to find a doctor closer to me, my oncologist said I should be checked every week now and if the reports show a consistent and unfaltering climb, I need to go back to him. He was visibly upset when he asked me where Roger was and I had to tell him. Nice man, that doctor. So I have been trying, like I said, to find a doctor nearer to my home. I have to have all my blood tests redone and re-documented. I have put this off for a little too long. Although, when I was in the hospital last month, there was an
immediate spike in my white blood cell count that had the doctors concerned. They couldn't seem to understand how a person of my height and weight could get such a high cbc and then have it dramatically reduce by about 30,000 in one afternoon. I guess I shouldn't be so remiss with my health. It seems counter-productive to what I am trying to do with other areas of my life.

Emotionally I guess I went over my limit this morning with the first post. But it had to be done. I miss Roger. That's all I really know right now. Yet, last night as I was sitting in a room full of friends and strangers I could not help but put the focus on some negative memories I had forgotten about. I was really quite saddened by it. The sudden out of the blue hit-you-on -the-backside-of your-head-thing and then the realization that time is passing so quickly and for each day that goes by, the reality is that he isn't coming back to me sets in. But, I remembered and I felt the pain of that particular moment and I hurt. I still have to remind myself to breathe when it does happen.

It is all too fresh in my mind still. Sobriety will do that for you. There is no escaping the pain anymore. There is only working through it. No matter how many tears, how many bad dreams, how many sleepless nights. No matter how many posts. I simply have to deal with the realities of my life. All of them. Especially Roger. How I wish I could wake him this morning the way I used to, with the smell of fresh coffee and cinammon apple bread baking in the background. With the promise of the sun shining on my beautiful flowers in the backyard. Yesterday it rained and all I could think of was how perfect it would be to be reading on my daybed in front of the fireplace, just having a "rosie" day where I felt I belonged. But I don't belong there anymore, I never will. I only belong now where I am for the moment. No where else.

One more thing I need to remind myself of to get me through this day: No one has power over me unless I give it to them. No one. And I am not giving it to anyone. No one. Ever.