Okay, the world is still turning this morning. Our country is headed in a brand new direction and change is definitely in the air. So where does that leave me? I'm still here, tired and losing hope. I want so much more in this lifetime. I want to laugh and love and be happy. I want to dress up again and go dancing. I want to wake up in the morning and embrace the day a moment at a time, not a day at a time. I want money, and lots of it. (Thought I'd throw that in for good measure!!! Are you listening Social Security???? Let's get with the program, shall we?)

All my horoscopes today say I'm destined for travel. Yeah, right. Not that I don't want to, I am and always will be forever romanticized by airports and foreign destinations. I would leave in a heartbeat, trouble is, for all the years I traveled alone, when I was with Roger it was so much better, I would like to travel with him again.

This is getting pathetic, I mean, look at me. I posted some photos yesterday, I look good, right? Any man would be happy to hang out with me, right? I don't need him, do I? So then why is it that I can't even comprehend going somewhere without him? It's certainly not like he gives a s_ _ _. After he went with Dan to Vegas, he met some bimbo there who he took to Disney world. Came home and told me all about it, but only he substituted his brother for the skank. What am I stupid?

Now whenever I see an ad on tv for Florida, (or Vegas for that matter) I start to cringe and feel sick. Took my love of the show CSI and killed it in an instant. Thanks, Rog. Something else I have to remember you by.

You know I was talking to a friend yesterday and they told me to concentrate on remembering the negative memories and not romanticizing the positive. Good advice, if I can keep it in check.

Please God, take this away from me. If I want to go away someday, I can go by myself, I've done it before, I can do it again. It's not really that hard to do. Yet, in my hearts of hearts, I know it would never be the same. And that, my friends, is what is holding me back from living life to it's fullest right now. And I hate that. I hate that alot. I hate that I even put any validation into these feelings, but, like so many tell me, I have to go through these feelings to get to the other side.

Why is it always so easy for men to get over love than it is for women? Is it something in their genes or is it because they're just selfish bastards who are only out for themselves and no one else?

How I hate that there is someone, or if you really knew Roger, a dozen someones having sex with him on my bedding!! Drinking out of my coffee cups, eating off my dinnerware. Enjoying my garden and creativity. And him taking the credit for it all. And how, I still wish it were me. What the hell is wrong with me. Why would I even want this dog back at all? I must be nuts, but, like I said before, the heart wants what the heart wants. And until my heart stops beating or veers off in another direction, cupid's arrow still points to him. Wonder why God likes to torment me so?

They can have him, he probably has a list of stds by now.

All the lies, all the cheating, all the bull, I deserve better and he deserves nothing.

Did I fail to mention that he owes my mother money too. Oh yeah, seems he got too far over his head in his gambling. What did she do to him that allows him to forsake her?

You know the seven steps of grief or mourning? Seems I never got to anger, maybe this is the start. Hell, I've been in denial for so long now, it seems kind of hard to give up and move on. But, maybe that's what I have to do. Yeah, like this will last long. Not.

Oh Roger, Roger, Roger, what have you done to yourself in your lifetime. You will not be here for long, you are an old man. Do you actually think that if you have sex with everyone you meet you will live longer? Could you really be that stupid? Yes, I suppose you could. So sad, Roger, really. I actually feel bad for you in so many ways, but I do try consciously not to, too much extra work for me to do that.

Did you go to court yet on your fourth DWI yet? Ever get around to telling your kids about that one? Are yoou going to jail, Roger, or is your big rich brother in Texas going to bail you out of this as well? Just like he always bails you out? I wonder, I know the answer, of couse he will.

All right, class, enough Roger bashing for one day. I should really save some stuff for tomorrow, the list is so long. What memories start springing back into my mind when I start remembering all the bad things he has done to me. Only thing I was ever guilty of was loving him too much and not choosing to stay sober whenever he broke my heart, which, as you know, he did over and over again. And over and over again, by me reacting to it by drinking, I gave him the justification to lie about everything to his family and friends. How I cringe to think that they all think it was because of my drinking that wwe broke up, not that he threw me, left me homeless and heartbroken and only after that did I pick up. No, he's so good at lying, he probably believes his own bull himself.

OK, will probably come back later to visit and see if my statcounter works. Have a good everyone, my friend.

Caio for now.