Ok, I have to admit the truth. It is the same. The past few days unfolded as they have for the past few years. I have no expectations of hearing from him again. I have no more desire to live that life that was too hard for me to bear and took so long for me to recover from. I know the difference between light and dark, and I choose the light.

Love is not supposed to be so hard to figure out. It is something to be embraced and enjoyed. I am not going to go down that road again. It is simply not worth it. I guess I do want the fairy tale. I am not a 'friend with benefits" like his other one. I am a woman who shared more, loved more, worked harder for "us" than any of his others and I will not settle for less.

He has been mia for a few days, and yes, I realize that I no longer have rights to his comings and goings, but we had tentative plans. A phone call would have been nice. I do not feel that would have been altogether asking too much.

Just like a drug, it seems, the simplest taste of the promise of him washed over me and had me craving for more. Well, considered me detoxed. If there are no rewards for the anxiety of just not knowing, then I will let it go. The cons outweigh the pros. I am better than this. I always was, I just didn't have the support of some very good and decent people to realize it on such a grandiose scale.

I guess the white beaches we spoke of will have to wait. Perhaps that was always supposed to be a dream with us. Never anything more than talk and hopeful thinking.

I will continue being honest with myself, I will miss him again. But, like I have stated before, I wouldn't want him this way, he is not the same and I have no more fight in me. I have to take care of myself. That's all I can do right now.