The truth is this. I was nervous and scared. I could feel the emotions wash over me the minute I sat in his car. As soon as he turned to me and said hello, I knew I was in trouble again. The presence of him was overwhelming. He is overwhelming. I felt so much peace and warmth. I hoped the evening would never end before it even began.

The first minutes were awkward, just as I had anticipated them to be. Two ex-lovers and two ex- best friends trying to see what could be said, what couldn't be said and what was left, if anything, to be salvaged. By the time we got to the restaurant, we both had drawn invisible lines around ourselves and the parameters of our conversations.
We secretly and silently decided in our own minds how to proceed into the night.

It was strange, watching this man I had loved for so very long and in every possible way sitting so close to me, candles burning, and not knowing how to be just me. I know he was speaking, but his words were drowned out by the beat of my heart and the song playing in my mind.
There were moments when I wanted to kiss him, to stroke his face and take hold of his hand, but I didn't dare. I just gazed at him, trying to put back the memories of why I had loved him so very much. Why this man, who is just a man, had such a total impact on my life.

I studied his face for anything new, a look in his eyes I didn't remember or know, a phrase that he never used before, a smile that told he had many secrets. There was really nothing different, just my beautiful Roger just as I had remembered him.

He spoke of his troubles and his work. He told me the outcome of his case and I told him the boring details of the pre-trial life of mine. Just a good to see you again, glad you are doing well dinner. I dared not ask him about his personal life and he didn't ask me about mine. I have no desire to know anything about his affairs regarding that at all.

There was really no talk about missing each other and neither one of us would start a conversation based on emotions ,probably for fear of the other's reaction, or lack of one for that matter. I know what I was afraid to hear, so I didn't ask. So it was just a let's see how this goes dinner.

I suppose that there was a time in the evening that we both felt relaxed and comfortable in each other's presence again. I know just hearing the sound of his voice was reassuring to me, seeing me look so well and at ease I imagine was reassuring to him. I am very glad I was so well composed. I am glad I wasn't that other person that I had become because of him, needy, desperate and frantic for his affection and thinking if I got it I could turn him into something I never was able to before. I was just me, and that was good enough.

It was nice and familiar and welcomed. Truth is, I did miss him. Alot. As you know from this blog I think about him everyday. But each day that passes the obsession grows less and my focus becomes more about me and less about him and I'm happy about that. I am happy that I no longer feel that he is the center of the universe and I can't be without him. I can be, with myself. I am happy that I can have dinner with him and not cry when he drops me off. I am in a better place emotionally.
Yet even though I feel like this, I still have my hopes and my dreams. It would have been nice to hear from him today, just a hi- you- looked-great- it -was -nice- to- see- you -again phone call. But, I guess that's not his way, I really don't remember. Or maybe he just doesn't want me to think he still harbors any feelings for me, if in fact he does. I just hope he had good news today. I really do wish him well still.

We used to have this thing that I loved to do after we went out to eat. He always opened doors for me, something I secretly adored and loved about him. Well, he would walk me around to my side of the car and open the door and I would put my arms around his waist and give him a big, sensual thank you for dinner kiss. Sometimes he would act like he was embarrassed, sometimes he wouldn't. I could tell we both were thinking about it last night, but the moment passed. How sad, as Ithink about it now.

Sometimes I think about passing time. I think about all the opportunities people have to do something fun, or nice or spontaneous and they never do. And time passes, and the moment is gone and you never get that time back. I think about that alot when I think about Roger. All the time that has passed that I didn't get to see him, hear his voice, kiss him, play with his ears. And the same for him with me. And I'm not just talking about the last few months, I'm talking about every time we were apart, or fought or took a moment for granted. I was too afraid of being rejected last night so I didn't pull him into me and kiss him, maybe I should have.

In any case, I was simply happy to be with him and to laugh with him and to see those beautiful blue eyes again looking at me.

When he took me home, I asked him if I could kiss him good night. He asked me why. I simply said that it was because one of the things I missed the most was that. It lasted for quite sometime. I hope I get to kiss him again soon. He really was the best time I ever had and time goes by so quickly.

Good night and sweet dreams.