Ok, ok, ok. It's happening. I've gone through this so many times before, but I was never more frightened of my reaction than now.

I want to call him. I want to hear his voice. But if I do and he rejects me, like I am so positive he will, how will I react? I can't drink over him or anything else anymore, I just can't.

Why the hell doesn't he just call me. I have already forgiven him a thousand times, doesn't he know that? Where is he, who is he with and what is he doing? What???? I feel like crying.

I don't feel like going to this party and putting a happy mask on, that's for sure. I feel like running away. I feel like crawling into a bottle of vodka right now. And for what? For him? He is so not worth it. But I feel the desire to escape my feelings is so strong right now. What am I going to do?

I guess I'll go to this party and maybe I'll leave on my own, Getting tired of my many escorts anyway. I need sometime away by myself.

Somebody say a prayer for me, I need it.

Thanks.